FREE CARS--NO KIDDING?
Mar 15 '00 (Updated Apr 20 '00)
Update April 20, 2000: This is of course a hoax, inspired by Esquire and a Media News tidbit leaked by a friend back in early March. Nonetheless, there are three Silicon Valley firms readying a launch along similar lines as outlined here, so who knows? You may soon be driving that Viagra Mobile after all.
Yes, it’s true. Beginning April 1, 2000, you may become the proud driver of a brand new car for free, if Skip Lehman and his FreeWheelz.com has anything to say about it. Is this a new twist on leasing? I'm not sure, but it's sure hard to beat the price.
Of course, there is one small hitch. In his IPO burdened mind he sees you in one of his mobile billboards.
That’s right. A mobile billboard. What does that mean? Imagine this: In your driveway is a sparkling new vehicle painted to resemble a giant tampon. Or a tub of Kentucky Fried Chicken, or a gleaming orca from SeaWorld. So what? This is the price you pay for wheels in the new Consumer Century. Nothing.
Is Lehman out of his mind? Let’s examine the seed of conception: You know those dealer logos adorning the backsides of cars in your current stable? When a dealer refused a deal with Lehman because he wanted one removed, he got to thinking—why is the little chrome plate so valuable? With a bit of loose research he discovered they are worth about $1600 in advertising to the dealer. He wondered: What if the whole shebang was a moving advertisement designed to entice bored drivers occasionally prone to observing traffic? What should drivers do with those blank moments when not dialing the cell phone? Well, read what the Oldsmobile next them has to say about diaper products, of course.
Thus inspired, Lehman gave birth to FreeWheelz.
Though don’t go looking for an Oldsmobile. The current stable in the test market area of Barrington, Illinois, includes Daewoos and Aerostars, not Mercedes and Jaguars. And we are talking stick-shifts and no air-conditioning to boot.
So what? They’re free!
Well, you do have to buy your insurance from FreeWheelz, and sign various other agreements, but essentially, the car or van is yours for as long as you are able to sustain the media barrage while taxiing the brood to hither and yon. That’s right, when you click the starter, on comes the radio (which cannot be turned off) and a media stream of wholesome advertising for you and your passengers. Plus, it’s area sensitive—innocuous commercial establishments will know you are passing by and via special frequencies tap into your tinted oasis.
Imagine: Drive by the gas station and get a reminder to fill up (and receive complimentary water!). Down the road, so to speak, your bank reminds you to take care of an overdraft; the mortgage company might slip in a horrifying reprimand before the Burger King on the corner punctuates your peace with a special offer on fries. Is this heaven or what?
How do you get one of these free wheels deals? First, you have to submit to an application process that involves over six hundred questions, credit checks and, possibly, a urinalysis or worse. Plus, you have to agree to drive three hundred miles a week. If you qualify, you may get the bonus of air conditioning, but only if your driving habits include a lot of sitting in dense traffic.
So what’s keeping you? The lines are forming. In another year or so you may find yourself giving directions this way: “The Hendersons? They’re the Taco Time down the street, next to the Red Lobster.”
Me? I’ll keep my aging German monster in the driveway, the one with the torn leather and oxidizing metallic paint. Aside from a lisp here and a cough there, it doesn’t have much to say. Plus it’s paid for.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
A.Mobley
|
|
Reviews written: 7
Trusted by: 112 members
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.