Motorcycle Riding: How To Score 1,000,000 Babes On Your New Harley!
Aug 07 '00 (Updated Sep 25 '00)
My Cool Point Deficit:
Well, maybe not exactly a million. Maybe not even one. But now that I have your attention, I’m going to share some of my riding experience. Let me start this by sharing my most humiliating experience while riding. After you read this just remember one thing. It can happen to you too. I will never forget that day. A friend and I were riding around gorgeous San Juan, Puerto Rico on a perfect sunny day. My friend (Lets call him Giggles) signaled me to pull over to a curb right next to the beach. There was a juice stand with 8 or 9 bikini clad, uhhh “ladies” standing around cooling off with fruity tropical drinks. Giggles decided he was thirsty and so did I. As I approached the curb at exactly 1/2 mph, I didn’t notice that a mist of sand from the beach had blown into the very gutter where I was going to park. Next thing I knew my bike was laying on the pavement and I was sprawled at the bare feet of all these women. The bike just slipped out from under me. Well, you can knock off at least 500 cool points for that. But it gets worse.
I made a hasty attempt to scramble to my feet and recover my motorcycle in hopes that at least one person at the beach didn’t see what happened. I grabbed the handlebars and picked up the bike, not realizing it was still running and in gear. The bike shot off with me in tow, still holding it with a Kung Fu death grip. It jumped the curb and was careening towards a bench full of old ladies waiting for a bus. I have never seen seniors citizens move so quick. My bike smacked into the concrete bench before I could hit the kill switch. I was hot, sandy, irate, & trying to save face. All hope of that was lost when I turned around and Giggles stood in front of the juice stand surrounded by bikinis, laughing at the top of his lungs. I quickly remounted and could here Giggles scream “What about the juice?” as I darted away. I don’t know where Giggles is today, but I’m sure I will still here him laughing when they finally lay me to rest.
Regulators, Mount Up!
Now that were done with that I want to stress some important points about riding. If you pay attention, you might save your keyster not to mention your melon . A quick translation for you technical people (Keyster = your Pocked-Marked Buttocks & Melon = your Cranium Maximus)! And you just might have a great time while getting from point A to point B. I have been riding motorcycles for the past 20 years and I am genuinely surprised that I am not dead. When I think back to all the close-calls and dumb mistakes I have made I want to turn in my Evil Knievel Fan Club Card. Somehow I survived and I picked up some pretty decent riding skills along the way. I’ve had the opportunity to attend some great training over the years and have also learned from the “hard knocks” of dirt bike riding. But I want to focus on riding a street-bike, particularly in the city. When I first started riding that little 250 Kawasaki as a wild-eyed youth, I assumed that once adept on the trails, road riding would come naturally. I told myself that it was just like driving a car but only easier because you can whip in an out of traffic with the ease of a fat guy slipping on a banana peel. My trail riding did help, but not nearly enough to deal with all the DWB’s out there. DBW = Driving While Blind. Hopefully some of these tips will help the new-rider realize the importance of knowing what to do and when to do it. A motorcycle can be a fun relaxing adventure if you are smart enough to stay alert thus staying alive.
Basic Equipment
Have you ever seen the guy/girl riding a motorcycle down the street wearing nothing but a loin cloth? I am constantly amazed at these people. They act as if their skin is made of steel. Don’t get caught donating your skin and brains to the Blacktop Gods. There is the basic equipment every rider should wear.
1. Helmet - No, it doesn't have to be a full face Darth Vader mask or your kid brothers football helmet. Just cover the melon with something more than your favorite hair gel. A lot of people like to ride helmetless because they feel free and can enjoy the wind in their face. It looks cool for the most part, but understand that 5 minutes of coolness on your motorcycle without a helmet can mean the rest of your life in a motorized wheel chair. I personally like my open-face helmet with 18” bull horns. I think it makes me look real tough-like!
2. Eye Protection - You need to put something over the peepers. It help when a strong wind or bug decides to look into the window of your soul. Preferably, wear something with a strap or tie, so they don’t blow off your melon as your trying to look cool at a red light.
3. Over the Ankle Boots - No, I don’t mean your fishing-waders. But put something on your feet besides flip-flops! You will find the added benefit with the ankle support, especially while city riding where you will make frequent stops.
4. Long Pants - No, don’t run out and get the assless leather chaps. But a good pair of Levi’s can save your skin, literally.
Shut Up Already & Lets Ride
Ok, now you are all dressed up for the ball and ready to head out on the highway. Wait, not yet. Let’s cover some basics that even a lot of experienced riders are not truly aware of.
1. Clutch, Throttle, Brake - Sound simple right? You would be surprised at how many riders have not mastered the basic concept of clutch, throttle, & brake control. I’m not talking about knowing how to pull the clutch, stomp on the brake and goose the throttle. I’m talking about a ballet of all three. You have to know the point when you release the clutch and the engine engages, while giving it enough gas to keep balance and enough pressure on the rear brake to balance it all out. Try doing circles in an open area with the handle bars locked-out to one side while leaning and riding at less than 3mph. Sound tough? It isn’t, just takes practice. If you can get this move down, you will practically never have to push your bike back to get out of a parking lot. A lot of riders cannot even make a simple U-turn on a city street. This technique will give you that skill and impress your friends at how well you control your machine.
2. Slow Maneuvering - Now that you’re up an rolling, try some slow maneuvers while leaning the bike form side to side. You could even set up a few cones about 4 ft apart and attempt to slalom through them. Remember, speed is not the key. Control is the key. This helps when you are in a traffic jam and need to get around that DWB driver. You will be able to elegantly guide your machine around a car, truck, or girl scout crossing the street with ease.
3. High-Speed Braking - This technique could save your hide in a panic situation. When required to make an emergency stop from a relatively high speed, most riders react the exact same way they would in a car. They either slam on the brakes, locking them up and sending the bike into a skid or they try to “pump” the brakes and lose valuable stopping distance while the brake is disengaged. Understand that the majority of your stopping power comes from the "front" brake. Start slamming on the back brake and you're in for a big french kiss from Mr. Concrete. Here is a neat little trick I learned from a professional rider. Place your toes on the rear brake and ride like that while in the city. If the need arises to make an emergency stop, apply firm even pressure to the front brake only. As the motorcycle pulls you forward,the momentum of the stop will make your foot naturally apply only the needed pressure to the rear brake, thus avoiding a lock-up and skid.
Enough Already Mom, I’m Ready To Rock & Roll!
Now that you have a few of the basics, put on your assless leather chaps, your horned-helmet and go out and impress the babes. Just stay away from sandy curbs near bus stops!
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