How to Drive Aggressively
Aug 24 '00 (Updated Dec 14 '01)
The Bottom Line My driving program is not for the faint of heart. Read with caution.
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to become a highway vigilante... a person who will be loved and adored by the little guys out there who quietly deal with the aggravation of bad drivers.
First, we need a way to measure your aggressiveness factor. I will use the following scoring system:
5 points...............Getting the finger from another motorist.
10 points..............Getting tailgated (add 5 points per each minute that you are tailgated).
10 points..............Being yelled at by another motorist.
25 points..............Getting another motorist to pull over and get out of your way.
25 points..............Getting into a verbal argument about your driving.
50 points..............Getting into a physical fight over your driving.
50 points..............Getting spit on.
50 points..............Having something thrown at your car (like a rock).
50 points..............Having your car physically assaulted (kicked).
100 points.............Getting into an accident.
200 points.............Getting shot at (25 points for each additional shot).
200 points.............Having your pet thrown in front of an oncoming vehicle.
2000 points............Getting shot and killed.
On a typical 1-hour road-trip, the following will give you an idea of how aggressive you are:
0-25 points............You're a Wimp!
25-50 points...........You can hold your own in a typical city!
50-100 points..........You can hold your own in LA or NY.
100-500 points.........You are a champion road-rager.
500 or higher..........You're dead...you win!
Now for some helpful pointers on how to be a champion.
The Rules
The rules of the road apply to everyone else. Respect the right of others to pass on the left. Use turn-signals when making turns and/or lane changes. Focus on driving by avoiding distractions such as cell-phones, make-up application, and conversation.
The only rule that applies to you is that you must do everything in your power to punish those who do not follow the rules.
How to react to...
...someone who is driving slow in the left lane
Tail-gate that person. If you are really good, you can ride within inches of their bumper at speeds of over 60 miles per hour. This person will be spooked by your craziness... so much so, that they will never do it again.
...someone who is tail-gating you
Stay in the lane that you're in to let this person know that you are crazier than them. If possible, pull up next to a slow moving vehicle and slow your speed so that it equals the slow-moving vehicle. Thus, the tail-gater will not have any opportunity to pass you.
It's also a good idea to periodically slam on your brakes. Don't worry... if you get into an accident, it's his/her fault. Semi-trucks are great because they can't stop as fast as you!
...someone who cuts you off
You should always reciprocate. Quickly pull around that person and cut him/her off. Also, be sure to slow down to make them really mad. This is especially effective if the other vehicle is a semi-truck.
Alternatively, you can tail them until they stop, then get out and yell at them for their stupidity.
...someone who makes an unfriendly gesture (like flipping the bird)
Always tail-gate this person and follow them until they stop. Then quickly get out of your car with a tire-iron in hand and threaten to beat the c%*p out of them. This will teach them to never make such a gesture to you again.
...someone who has their windows open with the stereo blasted
Give them the finger and mouth "Turn that down, PUNK, I'm gonna kill you."
...someone who makes a lane-change in front of you without signalling
As with most offenses, tail-gating is always a good idea. They will surely learn the error of their ways.
Conclusions
With a lot of hard work, you can be dead too. Follow these pointers and always insist upon your right of way! Obviously I can't cover every situation here, but if you would like to add something, please drop a comment.
Thanks for reading
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