Browbeatis Intimidatus & Other Phyla of Car Salesman: A Taxonomical Analysis
Jun 11 '00 (Updated Apr 24 '04)
The Bottom Line is a series of three words written in bold-faced type.
P.T. Barnum, the epitome of a great salesman, once stated, "There is a sucker born every minute." It is the job of car salesmen everywhere to prove Mr. Barnum's assertion correct. Once the customer's scent reaches the keen noses of the sales force, they converge upon the potential buyer in a manner not altogether unlike sharks preparing for a feeding frenzy.
Whether in the guise of the bullying Browbeatis Intimidatus, the shape-shifting Elastitis Chameleonus, the gushy Asskissus Ingratiatis, or the patient Congenialus Empathis; the car salesperson has one objective in mind: to part the customers from their money. Caveat emptor.
Browbeatis Intimidatus
The most despicable phylum of car salesmen one could have the misfortune of encountering are the Browbeatis Intimidatus. These overbearing brutes lack the finesse to make the soft sell, therefore they attempt to scare the customer into buying. A favored tactic of Browbeatis Intimidatus is to play on the customers' emotions and attempt to convince them that they have no worth as human beings if they fail to purchase that shiny, new sports car. Browbeatis Intimidatus sees the customers as prey; weak and spineless, an inferior species which must be beaten into submission. The daily affirmation of each Browbeatis Intimidatus is, "I must break the customers with my iron will and make them BUY, BUY, BUY!" When not found in their natural habitat of the used car lot, Browbeatis Intimidatus often seek employment as Marine drill sergeants, Mafia hitmen, soldiers of fortune, and wrestling coaches.
Elastitis Chameleonus
In contrast to Browbeatis Intimidatus members of the Elastitis Chameleonus phylum are considerably more subtle predators, yet equally coercive. The Elastitis Chameleonus believe that the customers are more apt to buy from someone they trust; therefore they attempt to put the customer at ease before striking for the jugular. An Elastitis Chameleonus will alter his style for each victim, individualizing his approach to best match the customer's lifestyle or external appearance. If the customer is wearing a cowboy hat, Elastitis Chameleonus emulates the second coming of Garth Brooks. If the customer is old, Elastitis Chameleonus becomes very polite and conservative in nature. If the customer is young with long hair, Elastitis Chameleonus suddenly assumes the role of surfer dude. Elastitis Chameleonus is utterly adaptable since he has no true identity of his own. The Elastitis Chameleonus's credo is, "The customer is putty in my hands. I must manipulate him to BUY, BUY, BUY!" Alternate career choices for Elastitis Chameleonus are politicans, actors, and politician/actors.
Asskissus Ingratiatis,
Another type of car salesman, the Asskissus Ingratiatis, also takes a subtle approach that is dangerously effective. Asskissus Ingratiatis believes that people are exceedingly vain and that vanity can be capitalized upon through proper use of flattery and brown-nosing. Asskissus Ingratiatis can commonly be seen with their suckerfish-type lips at or near the customer's posterior region whispering sweet-nothings or blowing sunshine of some sort or another. Asskissus Ingratiatis see themselves as silky smooth and view the customers as little more than walking, talking pocketbooks. The Asskissus Ingratiatis motto is, "Say anything. Do anything. Just make them BUY, BUY, BUY!" Exiled Asskissus Ingratiatis can often be found in the ranks of game show hosts, middle managers, and greeting card writers.
Congenialus Empathis
The best species of car salesperson the customer can hope to encounter is the Congenialus Empathis. Unlike the other phyla, the Congenialus Empathis takes the novel approach of actually listening to what the auto buyer has to say. She will then suggest an automobile model based on how well it fits the consumer's needs rather than how hefty the price tag is. Congenialus Empathis has a high self-esteem which results in a cheerful, helpful attitude and a glow of confidence. The credo of Congenialus Empathis is, "Treat the customer as you would wish to be treated yourself, and hopefully they will BUY, BUY, BUY!" Her sales style is diametrically opposed to that of Browbeatis Intimidatus and as a result her customers leave the lot feeling good about themselves and satisfied with their purchase. Suitable alternative professions for Congenialus Empathis are bartenders, health care professionals, and advice columnists.
RECOMMENDATION FOR DEALING WITH ALL PHYLA OF CAR SALESMEN
Consumers need to be tough. They need to know what features they want in their automobile, what purpose their car must serve, and how much they are willing to spend. Potential car buyers need to realize that preparation is their most powerful defense. Above all, though, they must be aware that the singular purpose of all phyla of car salesmen is to make them BUY, BUY, BUY!
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
Sordid-1
|
 - Top 1000 |
|
Member: Jeffy
Reviews written: 62
Trusted by: 418 members
About Me:
You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.