Why Johnny Can't Drive (But Johann Can)
Apr 06 '00 (Updated May 14 '00)
Sometimes I daydream of driving in a place where getting a driver's license is at least as difficult as making change for a dollar or perhaps as complicated as operating a pencil sharpener. My daydreams are usually shattered when the guy behind me blasts his horn after the light has turned green.
I gotcha horn right here, pal!
Having driven through nearly every state in the union and seven or ten foreign countries (who keeps count when you're dozing?), I've seen some road. I've held a Belgique and German as well as an "international" driver's license. I've driven over 100 miles per hour (247 kilograms per centimeter) on the "autobahn" and have been "waved" at ("fleept auft") in a variety of languages. Although I've never been to Spain (but I kinda like the music), I've been to Italy, a beautiful country but whose drivers are legendary for poor driving. Conde Nast and Frommer's agree by the way on both counts. During my first full day in the Puglia region where I was on assignment, my crew and I were on the way to work. We felt horrible for having to drive down a car-clogged, narrow street and partially on the sidewalk where people were seated at tables having their ubiquitous morning espressos and cappuccinos. We felt a bit better about ourselves but no less horrified when we saw cars zipping along totally on the sidewalk and, I am not making this up, between the tables and the coffee shop. We witnessed this on our first five minutes of driving in Italy. A bit later we hit a dog. Things got worse afterwards.
But for U.S. driving, you can't beat the San Francisco Bay Area for bad driving. No way. Where Italy's bad driving comes from testosterone-based aggression, the South Bay's bad driving is the result of massive inexperience. Considering that this portion of the country is seeing a huge influx of immigrants and registered aliens, we see driving that would make Mr. Magoo look like Mario Andretti in comparison.
Friends from back east are always amazed how well we avoid accidents and near misses in San Jose when we don't even consciously notice the bozo backing up on the freeway because he or she missed the exit. And our friends stare in wonder when we don't scream at the top of our lungs when all 18 cars stop one-by-one on the acceleration lane to the expressways waiting for the gap that, of course, never happens. And that Camry going South on a Northbound-only lane is merely a minor obstacle whose befuddled but determined driver proves that anyone can make it in this country as long as they keep a hand on the wheel and a foot, doesn't matter which one, on the gas pedal.
Now before I'm judged too hastily as prejudiced or that my tin roof's rusted, please realize I was not born in the United States myself and that you could not point me out in a line up of these drivers. I explain politely that most of these drivers haven't been driving all that long. For example, of my six closest neighbors who I know well, three couples started driving for the first time ever just over two years ago. Compound this situation by thousands fold and one can understand the critical mass in my town. In China, Bart and Lisa (not their real names) didn't even have a car. Now they have two. And they're gonna drive them any way they like. And I say right on! I mean, what is liberty without horsepower? What is freedom without torque? You can't dominate the world pedaling bicycles. Henry Ford didn't build an empire making fruit bowls. He made cars. And lots of them. Along with pizza, John Wayne, guns, beer, and Monday Night Football this is exactly what made this country great.
But how, one may ask very shakily if one is visiting from back east, do these marginal drivers manage to get a license in this state? They sign up for them, silly. While Belgium was criticized for not requiring drivers to be licensed until 1967 and for not fully participating in World War II, at least now Belgique drivers have to prove some competence behind the wheel. By the way, Belgium was overrun by enemy troops in about two days. The California Department of Motor Vehicles, on the other hand, is extremely liberal in issuing licenses and never even fired a single shot in the whole war. In contrast, the process in Germany, who happened to have been involved in the war in a big way, included a portion that tested my ability to handle the vehicle in an obstacle course. It also measured my reaction time with some maneuvers I had to make based on a light that flashed a direction while I approached it at highway speeds. As difficult as these challenges were, the written part was the source of most of my terror during the licensing process. For instance, imagine a dumb young American kid trying to answer the following multiple choice question:
Konnen sie mir sagen wo das Rathaus ist?
a) Das tut mir leide
b) Jah, ich drinke viel bier
c) Gehen sie rechts um die eche und dan links
Having no idea what the question was, I checked c) which means, "never while the train is stopped in the station". We also know that Germans are among the best and most disciplined drivers in the world and they might have won the war if most of their citizens weren't so tied up in driving tests.
And this is my whole point. Driving won't improve until authorities demand it. For driving skills to improve on any scale, the state has to accept its responsibility by creating stricter requirements for testing and licensing new drivers, stepping up traffic police patrols, and implementing a harsher "re-education" program for drivers who habitually disregard traffic codes. And the authorities won't demand it until citizens demand it. And citizens have to let authorities know by talking to them. You should expect your state motor vehicle authority to improve the driving on your streets. Call. Write. Vote.
But in the meantime, for heaven's sake, use your turn signal, look up the word "acceleration" and stop daydreaming.
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