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How To Drive: 10 Reasons It Takes An Hour To Drive 10 Friggin Miles HomeSep 26 '00 (Updated Oct 22 '01) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line No Nose-picking, Radio-blasting, Cel-phone talking fools allowed on the road during rush hour!
and why traffic could flow freely if people would just do one thing while in control of a car, drive! Everyday, people do everything you can imagine while in their cars except what they are supposed to do. Everyone knows the basics of keeping your foot on the pedals, hands on the wheel, and eyes on the road. But it seems we as a species have a strange notion that we are capable of doing more than two things at once. Some of our little “vehicular habits” not only slow down traffic to a crawl but also aggravate the people around us, cause additional vehicle emissions, and make me late for dinner. What are the consequences of this turtle movement along the world’s highways. Well, most importantly, IT TAKES ME LONGER TO GET WHERE I AM GOING! Why are my panty’s all bunched up? Well, probably because I have to sit in a car and maneuver around NDI’s (Non-Driving Individuals) who can’t figure out whether they want to drive or read the newspaper (yes I have seen it). So in the spirit of brotherhood among drivers, I have composed the top 10 things that people do while driving that distract them from controlling their car. If one of these drivers sounds like you, take heed and change your ways! Or at least take the train. Number 10: The Pimp Daddy - If this guy only knew how stupid he really looks, he’d turn down the rap, roll up his windows and wash the VO5 out of his hair. Does he sound familiar? He is the guy that only drives during rush hour and takes his time wherever he is going. You get behind this guy on the expressway and he has about fifty or sixty car-lengths of open space in front of him. Everybody else is bumper to bumper and this guy is on a Sunday cruise. I don’t think this creature has a job or if he does, it’s probably running numbers or something like that. Number 9:The Horn Dog - Usually a teenager that has to have his little woman pressed so tightly against him that he can only control the wheel with her help. When traffic slows a bit, it seems to hormonally charge him so that he must immediately deeply French kiss his girlfriend for a minimum of 3-5 minutes. Meanwhile, I’m sitting behind him wondering what ever happened to Lovers Point? Number 8: The Lane Changer - Have you ever been in heavy traffic and noticed that traffic in the next lane is moving at twice the rate your lane is? You sit there for 20 minutes waiting to move forward and when you finally get frustrated enough to switch lanes, everybody else on the road decides to change with you. When you finally get into the next lane it comes to a standstill and the lane you just left starts moving at 80 MPH. I think there is some kind of group telepathy that causes this to happen. Lets just all stay in our lanes and see what happens next time! I wonder? Number 7: The Sleeper - Oh yes, it happens, especially in heavy morning traffic. On more than one occasion the car in front of me stops moving in a traffic jam or starts veering to the median & ditches. You can usually pick these ones out by watching their heads through the rear window. If you see their noggin bobbing like a spring-neck hula girl, steer clear! Number 6: The Diner - I have seen people with picnic baskets on their dashboards. Friends don’t let friends eat & drive. There is no way you can effectively manhandle that Whopper while cruising along at 70. Its like trying to read while having sex, it just cannot be done! Well, at least not by me, but I have heard stories. So put the fries down Yogi Bear and make sure you wipe the sauce off your fingers before grabbing the wheel! Number 5: The Blind Guy - Once I needed a ride from a good friend and he was happy to oblige. After an extensive trip (about 2 minutes) I started asking God to forgive my sins because I was sure I was going to the pearly gates. My buddy came inches of hitting an old lady, two dogs, and a city bus. When I inquired if something was wrong, he said no and asked why I would asked such a question. When I informed him about his near-death collision with the bus, he nonchalantly told me he forgot his glasses. I think if you are prescribed to wear those buggers, then wear them. My buddy couldn’t see the end of the hood and here he was taking me across town. I survived and kissed the dirty street when I got out of his car that day. Number 4: The Monkey Farmer - This is the adult who thinks that a 20 MPH collision can’t possible pole-vault their 6 unbuckled children into the license plate of the car in front of them. This creature of extreme intelligence can be spotted swerving lanes as two or three toddlers swing from the dome light, lay on the rear dash, or catch some bugs in their teeth while sticking their heads out the windows (and their tongue out at you). Do I have to say buckle them up? I guess so, because obviously there are still some idiots that think kids are made of rubber. Number 3: The Gold Digger - Usually men, but I have seen a few lady Prospectors. As I do the dash & turn on my way to work, I inevitably get behind someone who is digging their nostrils like they got something wedged. I swear once I seen a guy buried to the bottom knuckle. How can you effectively maneuver a vehicle with your eyes all watered up while you’re tickling your brain stem. Save it for dinner! Number 2: Farding - No, not flatulence. Farding is a technical word used for that thing that the ladies (some guys too) spend two hours doing before they leave the house. In other words, putting on make up and fixing their hair. For the life of me I can’t figure out why that after two hours in the bathroom at home, they would need to pick and powder on the way to work. Please ladies, you look fabulous, gimme a break and save it for when your not in control of the minivan. Number 1: The Talker - I see it more and more everyday. Most of you are guilty and you know it. Talking on a cellular phone. Dialing, paging, answering & chatting. Driving 2MPH because you can’t see what is around you while your getting the latest gossip. And guess what, the slower traffic gets, the more you talk. I have two possible solutions to this predicament. We could send out death squads to kill every driver found with something pressed against their ear while in traffic. The more peaceful solution would be that people get their cars set up with hands-free adapters. My view is that nobody should be propelling a 3 thousand pound machine at high speeds while trying to dial the phone. It just cannot be done. So stop trying before the death squad finds you! Ahhh, I Feel Better…. So next time you're caught in traffic, look around you and see if you can spot one of these NDI’s. When you’re done, adjust your rear view mirror so that you can see yourself. If your index finger is buried to the bottom knuckle, immediately pull over, put your cellular phone to your ear and wait for the death squad.  |
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