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Bitchin'.Dec 21 '00 Write an essay on this topic.Don't drive like an idiot. Use your turn signal. Don't cut people off. Don't stop abruptly in the middle of the road. Pay attention, watch what you're doing, and try not to hit anything. Yeah, yeah, we all know how to drive safely. But have you ever thought about driving sexy? Neither did I, until I happened to notice someone doing it. Four of my friends and I were packed like sardines into my friend John's Ford Escort for a two-hour drive to Disney. Other friends had told me all sorts of horror stories about what a bad driver John was, so I was a little leery. However, I was pleasantly surprised by his execution of the vehicle. Not only did he seem skilled and perfectly capable; he seemed...well...hot. How so? He sat relaxed, one hand resting nonchalantly atop the steering wheel. His face was serious, concentrating, and his manner was fearless. He whipped the car in and out of tiny spaces in fluid motion, all the while exuding confidence. But here is the real key: He made the car his b*tch. It's an acquired skill, making the car one's b*tch. You must wield power over the car, show it who's boss, push it to its maximum capacity but don't abuse it. The trick to sexy driving is to handle the car in such a way that it begs to be allowed to serve you and obey your every command. It sits quivering in the driveway, looking at you hopefully every time you walk outside, saying, "Please, please, smack me around some more, I like it!" Your car must stand in awe of you. Only then will you know it is truly yours to deal with as you will. In order for your car to behave like this, though, you must make sure from the beginning that it is a good and compliant car. Cars are like people; some are eager to please, and some are stubborn. While it is more satisfying to beat a difficult car into submission than to just have instant asskissing right from the moment you drive it off the lot, there must be a balance. Some cars just refuse to be put in their place. Most notorious for this are early-model Camrys; if you try to make a Camry your b*tch, it just curls up into a little ball crying like an emo kid and won't do anything at all, so you have to baby it, which leaves zero bitchitude possibility. If you avoid emo cars at all costs, you should be able to drive like the stud you know you are.  |
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