I try to meet girls at bookstore

Feb 12, 2000

Although I do not like to read anything by non-Japanese authors, I found Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" to be the best non-Japanese book that I have ever read. It represents Asian superiority over the non-Asian people. It is a crowning achievement of logic. I'll bet Sun Tzu was part Japanese.
Anyway, I have read Sun Tzu's work backwards and forwards. But I still cannot get the girls. This is my biggest problem. I know how to set up an ambush with only 6 other Samurai against 40 bandits in a rice farming village, but I can't even ask out a girl. How worthless and insignificant I am. But no! I am a Samurai! I am worth far more than these other people.
OK, so I go to Barnes and Noble, looking for a book on Kendo so I can point out all of the mistakes and then meet the author, challenge him to a swordfight to the death and murder him (most likely a white devil trying to know our ways), and I meet a very pretty girl in the fiction section. My face turn so red, you have no idea. OK, so she walks up to me, and I feel even more scared than that time when I fought the forty bandits in the Japanese farm village, and then she TALKS to me and says, "Excuse me, do you work here?" SHE TALKED TO ME! NO GIRL EVER TALKS TO KYUZO! And so I say "Hello my name is Kyuzo, nice to meet you, I am a Kendo master, I do not work at Barnes and Noble!" I figure this would impress her and she just said, "Oh, sorry about that! Thank you!" and she walked away looking for employee.

My heart was torn apart. So anyway I go back to my car and I get this terrific idea. I go and get my Kendo armor sparring gear (samurai armor and helmet) and I get my best wooden katana blade and I go back to Barnes and Noble. And I find the girl and I say to her, "Hello sweetie, I am Kyuzo, Samurai from Mishima island Japan, son of Takagawa Yoshi, who is son of Takagawa Hiroshi, who is son of Takagawa Hikaru!" She was speechless! I had gotten through to her!

So I tell her, "I am Kendo master, I will show you my best kata! YOSHHHH!" And I jump into the air, brandish my katana and jump around and swing and walk about doing my expert beautiful kata. one minute later the shopping mall security comes and I go, "I am Kyuzo, I am courting this young girl here. Are you rival suitors from Hokkaido province? Leave now or die!"

So they take out their nightsticks and I take my katana. I leaped over the first big guy about 250 pounds, and when I returned to the ground, I did a backslash and he fell slumped over. The second one was a little better. I dueled him, nightstick versus wooden katana. Soon he too fell. And the third, a nimble acrobat leaped into the air. I too leaped into the air. we both slashed at each other with our weapons. I came back to the ground in kneeling position. He came back to ground the same way. But then he slumped over. I was still kneeling, posing with sword in hand. It was just like the movies.

The first guy was coming out of unconsciousness and called Mall Security reinforcements, so I retreated. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I never saw the pretty young girl again. I think she went to the same college as me, too. This is one defeat that makes a heavy mark on my heart and makes me sad. Then I need sapporo sake beer to feel better. Don't go to Barnes and Noble unless you want to be disappointed. They don't let you flirt with girls and court them with your samurai skill.

Hail Barnes and Noble!
You ruined my chances with girl
Now I shop Borders

An Original Haiku by Kyuzo

* Special Thanks to the gaijin intelligence and know-how of Shartion and worldnick for giving me good advice on how to break my paragraphs. Domo Arigato Gozaimasu. You should both be honored. I almost never say such a phrase to gaijin such as yourselves.

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Member: Kyuzo Takagawa
Location: Mishima, Japan
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