Oprah, strangely enough, had author Debbie Ford on today whose book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, proposes that we have “shadow beliefs” that we must uncover from our past, confess them to someone who gives us permission to heal our emotional wounds, then let them go by saying, writing down and burning our “good-byes to pain.”
I think I prefer Transactional Analysis, though, described in I’m Ok, You’re Ok, because it helps me to recognize these so-called shadow beliefs in others. The author, Thomas A. Harris, M.D., wrote this over thirty years ago (rereleased last year) after twenty-five years in the psychiatry field, but it seems as practical and relevant for the mental, as well as relationship-troubled, patient today. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (laugh all you want), but its rather philosophical, non-sentimental style of writing kept me pretty interested for most of the book. I’m sure a psychiatrist would find all of it extremely thought-provoking and helpful for his own practice.
Harris is the founder of the Institute of Transactional Analysis (T.A.), the concept being created by Eric Berne, M.D. while Harris was his student for many years and who is quoted often. It's affected the way psychology and even 12-step programs are conducted today and more on that can be found at the International Transactional Analysis Association website (www.itaa.com).
T.A. is vastly different than the traditional, Freudian method where the patients lie on a couch and delve into their subconscious with the help of the psychiatrist. This meant that the psychiatrist acted in a Parent role with the clueless patient in a Child role. The Parent was there to fix the problem and make things better.
That wasn’t good enough for Berne. He wanted the patient to fix his problems himself by interacting with others in a group setting. He wanted the Adult voice in his patient to be developed in order to cure him.
What, you may ask, are indications of the Parent, Child and Adult voices within us? Good question! Listen up, there’s a quiz later. You see, Harris’ premise is that everyone is born thinking they’re Not Ok, but their parents are. He believes that most of us never lose that prime directive for our life (some abused kids do and become OK while their parents are NOT OK, which can cause criminals) and it colors all of our relationships. We may hear our Parent when we are being bossy, judgmental or traditional to the point of being stubborn and not open to change.
Our Child comes out when we react emotionally with tears, outbursts, manipulative games and sullenness. Our Adult, if we have one, is the voice of reason and thoughtfulness. When it is directing our behavior, it means that we have a I’m Ok, You’re Ok thing going on. We can only achieve this understanding through realizing we have felt Not Ok all of our lives.
What can we do?
Harris has had a lot of success with non-specialized group sessions. Any of his patients get together and start talking about their problems with him in the background and the patients commenting on and supporting each other. They listen for the voices and identify them for everyone’s benefit as well as their own. Imagine if you will a group of Epinionaters. You can if you try…
*This is all in fun for the purpose of illustration only!
Jankp: This Transactional Analysis sounds like a step in the right direction.
Hard_to_Please: It’ll never replace Epinions for therapy.
Bonniesayers: Oh, why do you have to be such a wet blanket? Lose the attitude, will ya?
Ptiemann: I need more information about this. Let’s get on with it.
Superflychick: Men. What cowards!
Jankp: They’re always afraid of looking stupid, needing to be in control. They are such children.
Mattjoe: That’s bogus! You have no right to assume something like that, Jankp!
Jankp: You just made my point.
Ptiemann: Grow up, you two.
Okay, were you able to identify the voices? Isn’t this fun? I’m having fun, anyway. Now check out their analysis and leave a comment on how well you did, please, if you would.
Jankp: I used an adult voice. HTP, your Parent made me laugh.
Hard_to_Please: Yeah? I was being serious.
Jankp: Using never and always means you’re in Parent mode. Sorry. J
Bonniesayers: That’s interesting. Well, I think I was using Child voice, but maybe Parent?
Ptiemann: Let’s say Child first sentence, Parent second. I’m always Adult.
Superflychick: You used ‘always’! Parent, parent! Whoops, guess I’ve been using Child voice all along, except now, Adult.
Jankp: Don’t feel bad. I slipped into Parent voice when talking about men. Must have heard that from Mom while growing up.
Mattjoe: Uh, I spoke in exclamation points. Guess you could say it was...
Jankp: Child voice, yes. My reply was Adult voice. Ptiemann?
Ptiemann: (silence) I sounded just like my Dad with my brother and me, ‘cept it was in German. Parent voice.
Is this all?
No, not by a long shot. He demonstrates group interaction or relationship interaction and discusses various games people play that "contaminate" Adult or Parent voice. There are also chapters dealing with young children and adolescents as patients, which I basically skipped, and a fascinating chapter on P.A.C. (Parent, Adult, Child) and Moral Values. Harris discusses how the concept of sin plays in with our Not Ok ideology and that grace should be unconditional and not based on Parental approval that the Child must earn or live up to. He says:
If personal liberation is the key to social change, and if the truth makes us free, then the church’s principal function is to provide a place where people can come to hear the truth. The truth is not something which has been brought to finality at an ecclesiastical meeting or bound in a black book. The truth is a growing body of data of what we observe to be true. If Transactional Analysis is a part of the truth which helps to liberate people, the churches should make it available. Many ministers agree who have been trained…and are also using it in pastoral counseling. (p. 230)
The last chapter goes into social implications of P.A.C., which is interesting for the mindset of a psychiatrist in the late, turbulent sixties who is troubled by the skyrocketing violence and buying of guns. Harris ends the book hoping that individuals (as Adults) will work together to reject the useless values and methods of the past and not let corporate society speak (as a Parent) for them.
Concluding Thoughts
I’m still not sure about this Not Ok belief underlying my feelings about myself growing up. Harris also said that you could be Ok If…the parent or God approves, and I was raised with Bible stories and songs dancing in my head, plus I was an angel child, of course, so that’s probably how I interacted with myself and others. As I got older and wiser, the Adult took over, but as you saw above, I can be swayed into a Parent role on occasion. (sarcasm)
Besides the concept of T.A, what made the book so compelling for me was Harris quoting such luminaries as Tielhard de Chardin, Bertrand Russell, Thomas Merton, Paul Tillich and many more. You should read this. I’m not sure if that’s Parent voice, for “should” and “ought” can sometimes be Adult, hehe. It’s entirely up to you, but I think both men and women who want to improve their relationships, and maybe even their attitude (just kidding!), would do well to at least give T.A. an Adult chance.
Recommended:
