Adoption Do's and Don'tsMar 08 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Be honest
Wow, I can't believe I'm actually sweating and it is only 33 degrees outside. I can't believe I'm actually contemplating writing the words that are in my head on paper for the first time in my life. I don't mean to sound so melodramatic, for the reader this epinion will be no big shocking story. For me, however, it is a family secret, a scandal almost, that no one talks about. The man who raised me is not my biological father. I am prompted to write this epinion because my best friend and I have been talking about this situation very often over the past few months because she finds herself in a similar position that my own mother was in about 30 years ago. Let me give a bit of background before I begin my unsolicited advice. My mother got pregnant with me when she graduated from high school and instead of going to college with her friends, stayed behind to marry this man and be a mother. A few months into the marriage, inevitably, my mother realized her mistake, divorced and eventually married the man who is my real father. Within the year, my biological father was killed in a car accident so I have never had the choice or chance to meet him. My parents agonized over telling me the truth, or so they say, for many years. My mother has told me, ad nauseum, how terrified my father was that I would somehow feel differently toward him. They chose to tell me when I was about 7 years old and I can remember the day very clearly. When they said they wanted to talk to me about something, a pit of dread filled my stomach: I knew I was in trouble for something. Imagine my relief upon hearing the news! What seemed so heart-wrenching to them was merely a biology lesson to an unconcerned first grader. My advice if you are in this situation is to tell your child the truth, soundly and confidently, assuring your child that it changes nothing. This fact will and should become only a footnote in your child's long life history. Even a 7-year old knows that Daddy is the one who reads the stories and tucks her into bed at night. I am the person I am because of the people who raised me. I don't want to give this epinion a negative tone, but I do want it to be helpful. My own best friend has told me what a bum her child's biological father is and I agree simply based on the things I've seen. She also knows that this bum gave her the most precious gift in the universe. My own wonderful mother has talked about how my biological father came from a not-so-great family and how it was the single biggest mistake of her life. She also says she regrets never having the chance to attend college. Any human being can understand these feelings. Be careful what you say about your child's biological parent. Even if they have no memory of or contact with them, you must remember that they do carry half of their genes and even the most well adjusted child can feel half no-good if you put down their biological parent. Even though my mother told me about her regrets to simply show me the right path, I couldn't help but feel my skin thinning over some comments. I did go to college, and I did get my degree and I can tell you first hand, it's no contest between that piece of paper and my child. It's a touchy subject; you can get the point across about "a time and place for everything" without going overboard. Assure your child that she/he was a blessing no matter when or how they arrived. In my house, as I said earlier, this adoption topic was not discussed after our fateful conversation. If I could get my mother alone, I could ask a few broad questions, but was always cautioned against hurting my father. I felt like it was a big family secret that no one was to discuss, and indeed it was. I would relish visits with my rebel aunt who would tell me anything I wanted to know. Thank God I had her. I had a simple curiosity of these people; what they looked like, what they did and where they lived all seemed like innocent, yet profound questions. I found that if this subject can possibly be an open one, it loses its mystery and allure. I have completely lost interest in it as an adult and rarely think about it where as it consumed me when I was a child and couldn't speak of it. My husband and I have two very conflicting opinions on this next subject. I once asked him if we found out that our 4-year old son, Ty, was found to be switched at birth and not really our biological child, what would he do? His choices were to keep his mouth shut and keep Ty or to try to find his biological child and possibly, no, likely have Ty taken away from us. His answer was to be honest and find our biological child. He says that it would haunt him knowing his child was somewhere out there. Well, I've thought long and hard about this, and I know what I would do. I'd keep my big mouth shut, pray that my biological child had found wonderful parents, and hold tight to the precious angel who I have loved more than life for 4 1/2 years. I don't give a whit about biology. When I look into my child's eyes, he is mine. When I look into my father's eyes, he is mine. These people have shared my life with me and that's worth more than any petrie dish full of similar cells. I guess the moral of my story is to be honest and open with your child even though it may be an uncomfortable situation. Curiosity should not be confused with defection! It is natural, indeed healthy, to want to know about your biological parents. Trust your children to come to their own conclusions about what a real family is or is not. Just in case you are wondering, and because it is a question I am asked by those who know my secret, I have never met nor intend to meet my biological father's family. How uncomfortable it sounds to meet strangers for no other reason than "we are supposed to be related." I'm sure they are good and decent people, but they aren't my people. My people carried me to the Emergency Room when I was hurt, baked me cakes when I was celebrating birthdays, walked me down aisles to give me away and held my hand while I was giving birth. Really now, what in the world would I have to say to my biological father's family that could compare to what I don't have to say to my real family?  |
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