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driving in the Tri-Cities as a semi-legal method of assisted suicideMar 16 '01 (Updated May 04 '07) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line defensive driving means giving yourself time to react, and letting others freak out without joining them; the bottom line is to arrive alive
Three and a half years ago my wife and I left Seattle (SMSA pop. about 2.5 million)--which has really gone from Charming Java Grungeville to Moist, Overpriced Sardine Can--for the Tri-Cities of Richland, Kennewick and Pasco (pop. 140,000), 220 miles from Pioneer Square. I expected that at least the traffic would be negligible and the drivers sensible relative to those depressed super-skinny venti latte-with-four-full-ounces-of-hazelnut-syrup-slurping webfeet I'd been living, working and playing with. Hah. I might as well have tried to rent a squalid hovel in San Francisco for less than a grand a month, or find good Hunan cuisine in Rawlins. Oh, I was half right: the traffic was indeed negligible. Unfortunately, so was the apparent intellect of the motoring public. As people, I found Tri-Citians to be pleasant, polite, goodhearted, underestimated folks and felt comfortable here immediately. Still do. Except when driving, at which time I live in literal fear for my life (and more importantly, that of any passengers I'm carrying). It's not that the locals mean me any harm; quite the opposite. They do not realize that what they're doing is dangerous, deadly, unwise and foolhardy. There's no malice in it. It's just never occurred to them that their driving is a good way to get killed. My insurance dropped when I moved here, and it must be due to the low crime rate, because I cannot imagine I'm safer on the road here. I know I'm not. The overall effect has been to make me a frightfully defensive driver, twice as alert to all that's going on around me; I'm probably therefore twice as good a driver, so I suppose I should thank the Tri-Cities for every moment of incredulous terror. Uh..I'll try and get to it next week sometime. Because since moving here, for safety's sake, I have begun to drive making the following assumptions: every motorist in this area is just intoxicated enough to feel immortal, was just laid off from Hanford, is on the way to his or her second bar of the evening after discovering his or her spouse in the act of carnally gratifying the driver's two best friends simultaneously, is undergoing his or her second colonoscopy tomorrow due to a scary biopsy, owes too much on his or her five credit cards and is rethinking his or her commitment never to use corporal punishment on his or her five children. And is having sort of a bad day, so s/he is on the cellular complaining about it to a friend. And his or her brother-in-law is being a jackass again. You get the picture. As my daddy, a Kansas man born and bred, used to say, "Some folks is so dumb they ain't sure whether Christ was crucified or run over by a milk truck." Laugh if you must. Me, I just want to see the sun set tonight and have a cold beer in the safety and responsiblity of my own home. And if my vigilance relaxes for a second, I may instead be looking at bright emergency room floodlights with a hose up my nostrils in the publicity of a substandard Dri-City hospital--infinitely worse, so may my wife. No, this ol' boy ain't takin' no chances. As the old man used to say: "Ah didn't come inta town on a load'a watermelons." (Actually, he pretty much did, but that's another story.) Here I offer you a list of reprehensibly bad driving behaviours, why they occur, and what action I encourage you to take in order to safeguard the lives of everyone in your Family Transport Pod. I don't need to say, I hope, that you also should not actually be guilty of these behaviours yourself. All laws referenced are specific only to the United States and are subject to local governmental whim. Behaviour: cars stopped on railroad tracks waiting for light Most common reason: tracks are close to traffic light Usual reasoning: "no train is coming right now" Your safest course: allow extra room so that when the train comes, not only will no destroyed vehicles be deflected into your vehicle, the panicky driver's futile attempt to save his or her vehicle through an impromptu game of bumper cars will not be impeded by you. Behaviour: angry motorist you anticipate may flip you off Most commonly guilty: broad spectrum; macho trucks, real estate agents Usual reasoning: "that'll teach you a big lesson, you rassle-frassin' hasenfeffer" Your safest course: do not look as they pass you. If you do not turn your head, and just cruise along as though nothing happened, you defuse the situation and deny them the 'pleasure' of thinking they 'got back' at you. Watch their vehicle out of the corner of your eye, but don't validate their anger. You're no fun. They will speed on about their appointed rounds, and go shoplift or something equally socially disappointing but not dangerous to your life. Behaviour: misunderstanding of four-way-stops Most commonly guilty: everyone Usual reasoning: "since you stopped, I don't have to" Your safest course: assume that no one else will ever stop. The law typically says that whoever comes to a full stop first has the right of way; tiebreakers are that left turners and those on the left must yield. Legally, if they never halt, they never gain the right of way; cold comfort when they slam into your just-stopped, righteously moving car. Simply make the assumption that everyone plans to run the sign, and yield generously, waiting until it's fully safe. Behaviour: car attempting to merge by halting in the actual lane Most commonly guilty: people with no depth perception, particularly the ancient Usual reasoning: absent-mindedness Your safest course: be suspicious now--and avoid the rush--of any car that appears poised to merge into traffic. Be poised to slow down or stop at all times when in the right lane. Ratchet this awareness up a notch when traffic is heavy; people are frustrated, and are late for their Bingo game, and may not realize that the nose of their vehicle is actually blocking traffic. Behaviour: all children near any school, crossing as the mood suits them Most commonly guilty: kids ages 5-18 Usual reasoning: the young don't know, the old don't care Your safest course: the minute you see a child, or a school zone sign, fire up your 'A' game. Often kids are playing at school playgrounds at non-school times. Any child, on foot or on wheeled contrivance, is an immediate threat to dash under your wheels, and the consequences transcend all rights and wrongs of the situation. Be ready at all times and don't relax until the kids and the school are in your rear-view mirror. My apartment complex is full of (apparently) suicidal orphans and I crawl along at 5-10 mph--better that than run the kid over. Behaviour: person merging on freeway, unaware of function of accelerator Most commonly guilty: the slow and timid, the intoxicated, people on meds Usual reasoning: "they have to let me in, I have the right of way" Your safest course: get a gander at the onramp as early as possible; if it's crowded, just get out of the right lane. Most people think that even if they are decelerating relative to you when merging, you are required to let them in, and the accident just isn't worth proving them wrong in court (or your heirs proving them wrong in court). If you see someone who seems afraid to accelerate quickly to freeway speed, go into Full Idiot Avoidance mode. I'd rather deal with an angry competent driver than a terrified incompetent one. Behaviour: tailgating Most commonly guilty: insecure people, bullies, type A personalities, people off their meds Usual reasoning: "if I hang on their bumper, they'll cringe before my wrath" Your safest course: do not brake rapidly. Just drive the speed limit in the right lane, no more, no less. No policeman or driver can ever fault you for this. No tailgater will tolerate moving only at the speed limit for long, and they will soon angrily pass you (remember, don't look), going on their merry way to abuse some defenseless kittens, or whatever it is tailgaters do in their spare time. You are being tailgated any time the car behind you passes a given point within two seconds of your passing it. Behaviour: inability to maintain constant speed Most commonly guilty: distracted drivers (single parents, cell phone talkers) Usual reasoning: "other things are more important to me right now than survival" Your safest course: double your following distance. This driver is most likely to lose control by overcorrecting. All you can do is give yourself more time to react. Behaviour: roads may be icy Most commonly an issue: in winter Usual reasoning: "I have a four-wheel drive! I am invincible!" Your safest course: by the time you find out there's a patch of ice, in questionable conditions, you've already hit it. Look far ahead for signs of an accident or for erratic maneuvering. Double your following distance. Be oblivious to the astonished looks of Camaro drivers as they whip past. Hey, guy, it's your life, do as you like. Behaviour: playing chicken; the vehicle as weapon Most commonly guilty: homicidal maniacs Usual reasoning: "it's nothing personal--I'm a full-time psycho" Your safest course: evade. This is one of those rare times to turn without signaling. Make it look natural, but go someplace else. If they follow you, calmly drive through the most populous and/or ritzy areas until you find a fire or police station; failing that, a biker bar. Run into the bar, put Born to be Wild on the jukebox, and order an unpretentious beer, saying 'howdy' to people as though you were meeting anyone else. If Mr. Nutburger (it's usually a male) is enough of a dolt to hunt you down in the biker bar, the situation will take care of itself. Behaviour: any vehicle is signaling a turn Most commonly occurs: with fundamentally decent drivers Usual reasoning: "so what if I'm already turning/merging? I can start signaling now!" Your safest course: use turn signals religiously but never trust your life to one, yours or theirs. Do not believe that the oncoming Toyota Expectora LX will actually carry out the signaled turn until you see it slow and physically begin to turn. The most dangerous times are four-way stops, where people may fail to signal a left turn, and when turning right on a red light after full stop. People behind you will not understand why you don't turn, but don't be pressured. Go only when you feel safe. Behaviour: big truck poised to turn Most commonly guilty: big trucks, especially gravel trucks Usual reasoning: "I can do as I like...what're they going to do, hit me?" Your safest course: assume the worst of the driver. Trucks don't get many opportunities to turn, especially left against traffic, and they tend to feel that they own the road and that we peones better get out of their badass way. Unfortunately, they can kill us, so in a sense they are right. It is a myth that truck drivers, being Trained Professionals, are better drivers--they are in fact no better or worse than anyone else. Some are excellent, some are idiots, some are coked or Red Bulled up on too little sleep. Expect them to act as though they rule the road, and save your life by staying as far from them as possible. Behaviour: drunk driver Most commonly guilty: guess Usual reasoning: "if I just go the speed limit, they can't stop me for that" Your safest course: be wary after 10 PM, especially on Fridays and Saturdays, well into the night. Anyone appearing very cautious or very foolhardy can safely be assumed to be hammered to the gills. Doubled following distance is a given, and in general, put distance between yourself and all other cars. Holidays are much worse; just assume that the whole road is drunk. Behaviour: running yellow or even red lights Most commonly guilty: type A personalities, the absent-minded Usual reasoning: either "I didn't see it until too late" or "screw 'em, I'm in a hurry" Your safest course: this is one of the most dangerous situations on the road, because as soon as the light turns green any oncoming driver may enter the intersection above the speed limit due to good timing (and a risktaking mentality). Be especially careful when you are the 'left turn must yield' person whose car is too far into the intersection not to turn. Watch oncoming vehicles like hawks for signs of their behaviour; usually you'll see them speed up or slow down. If coming to a just-green light, be alert that someone may simply run the red light because it didn't occur to them that someone else might come. Behaviour: desire to make senseless left turns across several congested lanes Most commonly guilty: imbeciles Usual reasoning: "why shouldn't I?" Your safest course: grit your teeth and don't allow it. I'm normally the guy who'll let you get where you're trying to go, but in this case, the driver will be spliced into two lanes trying to worm his or her way into going the opposite direction from you. The problem is that those in other lanes have no idea someone is trying to do this, and aren't expecting and can't see it. If the driver would simply turn right and go around, all this could be avoided, so don't permit it--for everyone's benefit. Behaviour: waiting until the last yard to merge out of an ending lane Most commonly guilty: arrogant snots Usual reasoning: "this way I'll get four carlengths ahead! Some Good Samaritan will let me in!" Your safest course: decide on one course, then stick with it. Either ride the bumper of the car ahead, or let them in, but don't do it halfway--then everyone's uncertain what's going to happen, and that's always bad. Be predictable, and ignore the finger. Behaviour: honking Most commonly guilty: varies by region Usual reasoning: often just to alert someone about something Your safest course: evaluate before you react. If you are not paying attention, it's better to be honked at than to kiss a light pole. If you are blocking traffic and don't realize it, that's what the horn is intended for. If it's someone who just needs to move their bowels more frequently, let them worry about it. Behaviour: driving with parking lights (or none at all) at dusk or in rain Most commonly guilty: macho morons Usual reasoning: "headlights are for girly men" Your safest course: mentally mark down any vehicle doing this as a real danger source. It's being driven by someone who isn't really serious about being seen by other drivers, and thus probably isn't serious about paying attention. If that sentence doesn't scare you as a driver, you are a little insane. If they comprehended the purpose behind vehicle lights, which really is not a very complex one, they'd use their headlights. Behaviour: person ahead of you in left lane won't get out of the way Most commonly guilty: peevish people, particularly tailgated rent-a-nerds Usual reasoning: "you can wait until I'm good and ready to move" Your safest course: you might find it interesting to know that in many countries in this situation, passing on the right is absolutely forbidden. However, in the US it's legal if not desirable. Assure that you aren't tailgating; many people will cheerfully delay you if you tailgate them. If you must pass on the right, just remember that it's slightly outside the norm. Of course, don't do it going past an on-ramp or other merging situation. Behaviour: frequent brake lights for no apparent reason Most commonly guilty: people with automatic transmission Usual reasoning: not good at managing velocity, tendency to follow too close Your safest course: not a reason for major stress... maybe half again as much following distance, more to keep your nerves cool than for reasons of serious danger Behaviour: won't dim lights at night Most commonly guilty: people don't know that lights can be re-aimed, or they're tired Usual reasoning: "he won't dim his lights, I won't dim mine" or "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Your safest course: remember that some people's night vision is so bad they're loath to dim them. (Some people got it messed up, and had the dimmer switch installed on their wits instead.) Most people never check to see if they're aimed at the correct angle. Remember that on an oncoming car angled upward relative to you, the low beams will actually function as brights. And, of course, if everyone's flashing or using brights on you, it may be that you have the light adjustment problem. Behaviour: blindly entering uncontrolled intersection Most commonly guilty: nearly everyone Usual reasoning: "I'm on the right, so even if I get hit it's not my fault" Your safest course: treat uncontrolled intersections as one of the most dangerous places on the road. Best approach is to think of it as a sort of four-way slowdown (a four-way stop where you don't actually have to brake to a full halt). If your path is the more 'arterial' of the streets, everyone behind you will wonder why you're slowing down so much; their problem. It's a victory for everyone if no one gets hurt. Behaviour: daredevil weaving in and out of traffic Most commonly guilty: motorcycles, kids Usual reasoning: "just because I can do it, means I should do it" Your safest course: don't encourage it, but don't be surprised by it. This is one of the many problems that just sort of goes past you and is only in your world a short time. If you have a god or gods, pray for these people, because next time you see them it may be on a spine board. It may be Darwinism at work, but it's a pretty cold Darwinism nonetheless. Behaviour: cars cutting across half-empty parking lot Most common reason: chaotic outlook on life Usual reasoning: "since I can't get a ticket for it" Your safest course: you may think you're safer in a parking lot than on the freeway. I'm not so sure. While this isn't the world's worst driving behaviour, there are a lot of people who are working to make it that way. In any parking lot, be aware that the arrows and lines are considered optional by a lot of people, especially the further you get from the door of the store. Behaviour: cars turning into wrong lane Most common reason: pure laziness Usual reasoning: "why should I turn, then change lanes immediately?" Your safest course: any time you are turning, it's very dangerous to assume that any other motorist knows and plans to follow the law. If you're turning right and oncoming traffic is turning left into two lanes, and you assume the left turn people will stick to their lane, you will someday perish this way. The best way is not to be going too fast, so that when some cretin swings wide to avoid making a lane change, you can slow down and let them go about whatever it was that was so important it was worth risking their insurance rates. Drive safe. Whatever it is, it isn't worth a life. Not yours, not mine, not even that of the Flaming Sewer-Chewer who cut you off so you couldn't make your exit.  |
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