ONLINE PUNCHING BAGS
Mar 19 '01
The Bottom Line Don't pay for 'em when you get unleash your hostility online for FREE!
Maybe you're in training for the Olympic boxing team. Maybe you've got a lot of hostility to release. Maybe you never got in a real fight. Or maybe you're just plain crazy. But you have the need to pummel. And pummel something now.
Never buy a fight game to vent your angst again. There are plenty virtual punching bags on the web available for free. Get out there and PUNCH SOME KEYS INSTEAD OF PEOPLE. Or at least have a laugh or two. The catharsis awaits!
BOXING IN THE TOWN OF TOMORROW:
ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS
http://www.tomorrowfund.org/swgame01.html
Sure you can play the expensive Playstation version put out by Mattel Interactive, but why bother? You can get it online for free! And maybe help a good cause in the process.
Here we have yet another genius application of Macromedia Shockwave...an online, virtual edition of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Remember the clumsy plastic handles, slip sliding around under the even clumsier plastic ring? Remember the loud smack of red plastic square fist against a blue square robot head? Remember the spring action "POP" of the opponent's noggin when you gave him that slippery right hook? Or the fact that after a few years of hammerfisting one another, how easy it would be to knock each other s blocks off? Who could forget the classic Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?!
Log on to the link listed above and wait a patient two minutes, and you'll have your own classic arcade version of the action. A mini screen will pop up on your webpage, allowing you to move around the ring and beat up on your opposition. Sure, the movement is kind of limited to a left-to-right axis, going back and forth instead of all around a square ring (as you'd get in the Mattel version), but what do you want for free? It's all about style instead of substance anyway with Rockem Sockem's...and what really mattered in the original was the palpable "analog" feel of cracking a plastic head off of a simulacrum's shoulders.
The tommorowfund.org site is hosting this site on the "virtual playground" page. Why? The fund is trying to help kids with cancer -- by raising money for research and by entertaining kids in hospitals and so forth -- and the fun and games on this page help get the attention they need. Their virtual town square is called "The Town of Tomorrow" and you metphorically allow the children to lead you around. So go beat up some robots and contribute time or money to their worthy cause. If you haven't gotten enough rocking and socking in, then they also feature that carnival classic, Whack-a-Mole. Grab your rubber mallet and head over to that surly area of the playground at http://www.tomorrowfund.org/swgame09.html
SYMBOLIC RESISTANCE:
URBAN 75 WEBZINE'S PUNCH PAGE
http://www.urban75.com/Punch/index.html
If you ever wanted to slap Eminem or George W. Bush upside the head, you've finally got your chance.
Urban 75 -- a superb webzine from the UK that targets the angry young men and women of rave culture -- hosts a cornucopia of prankster "javascript games for the terminally bored," from "The World Mouseclicking Championship" to "The Loaf of Bred Cam." Some of the games are sheer idiocy; others are inspired works of satire. PUNCH -- the game that allows you to beat on your favorite annoying celebrity -- is my favorite.
The game is simple: click on your favorite celebrity or politician, say someone like Eminem. Up pops a photo of the man himself, posing in an obnoxious way. You know it's two dimensional, but you begin to feel like he's giving you dirty looks. Soon your blood boils: "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, SLIM SHADY?" you scream. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHO THE REAL ONE IS." The next thing you know, you're throwing down the gauntlet and picking up the mouse. You click on his photo like crazy. A right-click here and a right-jab there. You hear a joke "oomph" sound effect come over your speakers and you see his photo distort and warp with every smack.
Punch features good sound effects, custom made for each celebrity (try them all!). The silly warping of faces is phenominal; these contortions are worth the price of admission. Like any good boxing ring, though, there is some curses, sexual innuendos, and scattered drug references on this page so be careful...it's an R-Rated place to be.
Wanna slap the greasepaint right off of Ronald McDonald? Go right ahead and give him a good BigsMac. And chortle endlessly when he screeches "Mc Ow!" in response to every hit you land.
Give Hanson a real mmm-bop!
Slap the shades right off of PuffDaddy!
Celebrities online as of this writing include:
Eminem, Moby, Bill Gates, Teletubbies, Ronald McDonald, Lloyd Webber, Barney, Steve Jobs, George W. Bush, Tony Blair, Rudy Giuliani, Margaret Thatcher, Bill Clinton, John Major, Puff Daddy, Jerry Springer, The Hansons, Oasis, Prince Charles, & the Backstreet Boys.
That's right. I said Teletubbies. Go there already.
BOPPING BOZOS:
PUNCH-A-CLOWN
http://www.ihateclowns.com/games/punchaclown.shtml
I grew up punching Bobo the Clown. I'll never forget that grinning clown, his face painted on something resembling a giant inflatable bowling pin, wobbling menacingly around my bedroom like something out of a Stephen King novel. Bobo had a nose that honked whenever I squarey punched it and a ton of sand in the bottom of his feet so that he'd always come back up for more. And he always smiled that accursed smile that I could never wipe off his face.
I thought that someone on the web would have reinvented a battable Bobo-the-Clown by now. A few people have, but no one has put enough energy into it to make it worth your while. At ihateclowns.com, I discovered a predictably dumb Shockwave game: chase the moving clown face with your mouse and try to click on it as many times as possible! Sure, the "hit" gives you the payoff of a dull thud sound effect, but it's not as exciting as urban75's "punch" site. Perhaps the most interesting thing about this site, instead, is their neurotic fixation on all things clown: they really hate "sweaty shifty looking clowns" and offer a handful of different ways to manage their fetish: from punching to shooting them. Although I kind of like clowns myself, this page got me riled up about them. The website functions as a central location for people to gather who are afraid of them or who simply, well, hate 'em. Here's how the webmaster describes the page's mission:
For over 4 years now, I have been scanning the internet for clown activity. It's a frightening task, but someone's gotta do it. This site is a lighthearted look at this serious subject....There are people in this world who dress up and act like clowns; I don't like these people. I am not clownophobic (or to be politically /scientifically correct, coulrophobic). I do not fear clowns. Really. I don't. They are just not nice people. They scare little kids, they cause neurosis in some adults, they have big floppy feet, they try to fit too many of their kind in a car, I could go on and on.
The site also offers t-shirts, of course. But I kind of like their cool feature, SCARY CLOWN OF THE DAY. If you don't want to punch a clown -- and who would? -- then check out the scary ones out there at http://www.ihateclowns.com/scotd.shtml OR their sister site of sinister scariness, http://www.creepyclown.com/ There are also scary clown poems and visitor testimonials. Interesting but not as satisfying as you might expect from this review.
And besides, most clowns are happy, not scary! That's no reason to punch them.
STOP THE VIOLENCE:
31 THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF HITTING
http://npin.org/library/1999/n00127/n00127.html
Maybe you shouldn't punch anything in the first place, anyway. Go to this sight to get your dressing down. They'll give you one better "thing to do" for each and every painful hit you landed on your friend for his 30th birthday (+ 1 for good measure). Learn to channel your hostility into more productive or safe alternatives at this page, thanks to Parents Anonymous. Your virtual anger management class awaits!
With a bruised index finger tip,
-- unheimlich, 3/01
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Epinions.com ID:
unheimlich
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Location: USA
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About Me:
Tattooed Everything.
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