How to Show Affection: A Few Innovative IdeasMar 22 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Sport and Outdoor
The Bottom Line It's not just kids who need affection. Adults do too! One way adults show affection is through the use of new and innovative sexual positions.
"Lobstergirl," people never ask me, "What are your favorite sexual positions, and why? What should my favorite sexual positions be, considering that I am a) lithe as a bobcat; b) as brittle as an ice-encrusted twig; c) on the far side of 650 lbs.; d) incarcerated at Pelican Bay; e) a quadriplegic; f) holding a short position in oyster futures; g) suffering from both Lyme Disease and Attention Deficit Disorder; h) a, d and f only; I) b, c and g only; j) a SAHM; k) my kid's MAHM ?" If people actually were asking me for such advice, I would consider referring them to the 1978 edition of The Joy of Sex, since in the more free-loving year 1978 there were far more positions available than the garden variety ten or twelve we have now. I would consider, and then reject this option, having been scarred for life at a young and tender age by the book's numerous pencil drawings of two humans resembling Christ and Mary Magdalene copulating like a pair of overadventurous ferrets. Side by side I compared The Joy of Sex with my Golden Treasury of New Testament Bible Stories, trying unsuccessfully to refute the unmistakeable evidence before my eyes. I would not wish this hideous and disconcerting biblical revelation on practically anyone. I might also refer them to the Kamasutra, that legendary 14th century illustrated guide to lovemaking, but I know from experience the Kamasutra is hard to find in a non-Tandoori translation. That leaves all you would-be curiosity seekers with few autodidactical options outside of the 1992 Roman Polanski film Bitter Moon, which nearly expunged any physical appreciation I felt for Kristin Scott Thomas, and the 1992 Louis Malle film Damage, which definitely cured me of my lust for Jeremy Irons. So, herewith I address that void of which you may not yet be aware. I understand this is a family-oriented site; since offending any person here is the last thing I want to do, please limit the following positions to family members only. 1) The California Roll: (on a scale of 1 to 10, requires a dexterity level of 6, tan lines = 0) Be ready with seaweed, sticky rice and cucumbers. Partner #1 lies back-down on tatami mat as cucumbers are placed in, on or near her sashimi. Partner #2 covers her with sticky rice and rolls them both up in seaweed. Afterwards, they just chill. 2) The Walt Disney/Albert Schweitzer/Lottie Moon: (Flexibility level = -3) Moon was a missionary to China; Schweitzer played doctor in Africa; and Walt Disney lies very, very still and well preserved. This is a favorite position among SAHMs, beauty pageant contestants, on date rapes, and with Bob and Liddy Dole. 3) The Liberace: (Flexibility level = 4, pain threshold = 9) Penetrator is positioned a good 20 feet off the ground, in a sling fashioned from either Ace bandages or willow branches. Lowers him/herself by pulley towards the top of the piano where Penetratee has assumed the position of a 13th-century mendicant. Penetrator lifts candelabra, drips hot wax onto Penetratee's ovulum carnivoram. Liberace stand-in begins to play Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody No. 6, vivace, then poco adagio, agitato (allegro non troppo), molto vivace, and finally andante sostenuto, with particular emphasis on the G-strings, as Penetratrix's waxy loins undulate in ever-increasing, then gradually decreasing spasms of Hungarian Rhapsody. 4) The Eggs Benedict Arnold: A soft, yeasty English muffin is tenderly fork-split. Fork-splitting, as opposed to slicing, increases her surface area and thus exposes more nerve endings. It also increases her flavor and absorbency. If she protests to the fork, you might also use a blunter, larger, instrument The eggs should be poached to her personal preference; some muffins like them soft and runny, others set until almost chewy. It's a special bonus if your yolk is hot, and just on the brink of solid, when it reaches the table. What muffin doesn't like Canadian bacon? Unlike standard bacon, which comes from the pig's belly, Canadian bacon is situated on the much meatier loin, giving it extra flavor and texture. Don't be fooled by the label "Canadian-style" bacon, which is a tipoff that your bacon is probably from Northern Wisconsin. A few spurts of Hollandaise over your muffin's nooks and crannies, and you've got one happy muffin. Just don't let her see the next muffin you've got waiting in the pantry. 5) The Calista Knockwurst: (Flexibility level = 12) Partners rip off each other's legal briefs with their teeth as they proceed towards unisex bathroom. Partner #1 stands on rim of toilet; Partner #2 places left leg on #1's shoulder blade and rotates 90 degrees. #2 places other leg over stall door and lowers torso down towards floor. Legal secretary emerges from neighboring stall in full-on body lock with Partner #3. Partner #4 enters with trapezoidally-bent Associate who is not yet full Partner. Legal secretary's right leg is wrapped around associate's res ipsa loquitur, including but not limited to #2's arms and #3's left leg, as #1 and #4 swivel hips. Partner #2's motions are denied. Tortfeasor is slowly Mirandized, then subjected to full body cavity search. Lobstergirl assumes no liability for injuries or damages sustained, lost income or revenue due to incapacity or disability, or your inability to get la*d. Individual results may vary. Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results. Lobstergirl does not warrant or endorse the use of any particular sexual position, nor does she intend to impugn the reputation or character of any Epinioneer who may have been or will be accidentally mentioned in this or any future epinion. Lobstergirl does not intend the above advice for minors. Miners are okay.  |
| Read all comments (34)|Write your own comment |
- Top 1000
