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Getting Down To Business - A Wish List For The Young And GreedyMar 23 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Having devoted minutes of my time to the question above, here I list my ideal birthday gifts.
Next week I celebrate my 31st birthday. The occasion will be marked by: a marching band parading up-and-down my driveway; a 31 gun salute; a flyover by Australia's RAAF (Royal Australian Airforce); a small speech given by our small Prime Minister, The Right Honorable John Winston Howard; and some dancing horses reciting Shakespeare. Due to my enormous fame and popularity both here and overseas I am expecting to be lavished with an assortment of presents. Any day now Australia Post and a multitude of various commercial delivery companies with be queuing outside my home with bag-after-bag of presents, cards, and gold bullion. Will it top last years extravaganza? Read on... Historically speaking, my annual day of celebration have been low-key affairs. On these occasions friends and family usually speak in louder-than-usual voices, eat too much food, and really make an effort to enjoy themselves. I have usually enjoyed being the center of attention and have appreciated the opportunity to astound them with all sorts of bad humor. Due to the enormous amounts of sugar consumed by everybody, awful jokes and tasteless visual displays are often applauded and encouraged. Any other time of the year such antics are looked upon with a degree of puzzlement. "Have you been eating too much sugar Warren?", is a question that might be asked. I Was Once A Nudist If you attended my original birthday you might have some trouble recognizing me today. Things were a little different back then. For example when I was just a few minutes old I wore no clothes or a beard. In fact, those were the hours of my life when I considered myself a professional nudist. I was much, much, smaller and lighter. I didn't wear glasses and my hair was thin and blond in color. I couldn't play the guitar or recite the lyrics to, "Old Man River". My language skills were non-existent, apart from the ability to cry and there was a distinct lack of teeth in my mouth. Everybody who saw me loved me for what I was: a baby. My memories of that day are somewhat foggy. My conscious mind was yet to be developed. Looking at the photos I can hardly believe that is me. Mum tells me that I was really well behaved that day despite the fact that I was nude and ignorant of all the people around me. I never spoke a word of thanks to the doctors and nurses who helped mum bring me here, and I was doing way too much flashing. Hopefully I'm better behaved today. What Did I Do To Deserve All This? Year-after-year on the very same day people come from far and near to see me. They bring me food and gifts and good times. On this day they take a special interest in all aspects of my life; asking questions about my career, health, and happiness. However, in recent times I've come to question whether I deserve the yearly tribute. I mean people are celebrating the one day of the year that I do the least. March 29 has always been a very lazy and self-indulgent day for me. Feed me, love me, shower me with riches are typical thoughts at this time. Maybe We've Got This Birthday Thing All Wrong... If ever there was a day when we should give thanks to our parents then surely your birthday is that occasion. Forget all about those recent capitalist incarnations - Mother's and Father's Day - and thank your mum and dad for help bringing you this far. Accept their presents by all means but when you say thank you, say thank you! Say it even if they did get you a really boring present. Let them fuss over and spoil you - this is what they really enjoy. Getting Down To Business - A Wish List For The Young And Greedy I'm a selfish, selfish man. Greedy too. Two of my best qualities to be sure. Not a year has passed where I haven't pictured myself being spoilt rotten. In days gone by I've wished for bikes, games, toys, furniture, cars, holidays, houses, yachts, jets, and villas in sunny Italy. The more reasonable aspirations have frequently been met, however, some of the more grandiose presents are yet to be fulfilled. For some unknown reason friends and family think I'm joking when I say these things. I mean, I'm never doing an amusing jig or wearing a clown's outfit when I say them. My Wish List: 1. The Ability To Do An Amusing Jig Think of the endless situations an amusing jig would help to improve. Think of that time when you were arguing with your local mechanic or the day you high school teacher kept you in after school. Now think of how well received an amusing jig would have been. The mechanic would have thrown in a new clutch for free while the teacher would have given you straight "A"s. A marvelous gift that tops my list. 2. Mucous-Free Nostrils I thought of placing this at the top of my wish list, however, it was pipped from that spot by my lifelong desire to dance like a drunk Irishman. 3. Enormous Hands Not a day goes by when I don't wish for enormous hands. While doing a spot of gardening or domestic duties I often think how easy the task would be with hands the size of a car. Forget about scaling shaky ladders - let your enormous hands retrieve kitty from the tree above. And what a star I'd be as wicket-keeper for the Australian cricket team. 4. Self-Brushing Teeth With all the amazing developments in the field of bio-genetics, it's only a matter of time before some clever nerd comes up with a solution to that age-old problem of keeping your teeth clean. Toss away your toothbrush and discard that annoying roll of floss. Dazzle friends and family - literally. 5. Talk With The Animals What a gift. Visit your local battery farm and ask the hens if they feel repressed. Discuss astrophysics with your local hedgehog. Ask "Whiskers" the cat if she feels like tinned food or dining out at some swanky seaside restaurant. Learn all about hermaphrodites from that slimy slug in your veggie patch. Ask a sheep to give you five reasons why you shouldn't include it in tonight's dinner, and whether it prefers being garnished with gravy or mint sauce. Are These Requests Reasonable? Yes. Yes they are. Final Comments World peace; freedom from hunger and oppression; literacy and full employment; pain-free living; and a sense of humor for all are five other birthday wishes I was toying with for this article. Having read my opinion I'm sure you'll agree that the five listed in detail above are the most sensible. These wishes have been lifelong goals for almost an hour now and are sure to remain so for at least a few more minutes. Birthdays come and go but you very rarely remember what gifts you received. What I never forget is the way I felt on those occasions. Thank you to everybody who made them memorable.  |
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