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The Lost Art of ListeningMar 24 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Listen, really hear what your kids are saying in between the spoken words. This is where you find out who your kids really are.
I see so many opinions written in this category stating the importance of telling your kids how much you love them, giving kisses and hugs, etc. These I feel are very important to showing your child your love, as well as building their self-esteem. I would like to add to the list what I feel is one very important, and often times forgotten item-the art of listening. As parents we sometimes feel that by asking your child "How was your day", "how did the test go", "what did you do today" and other questions that often times lead to a one word answer such as "fine", "ok" and "nothing". Then proceed to talk and talk and talk TO our kids instead of engaging in conversation that will draw actual conversing and listening. A lot of times older kids (teens and pre-teens) get in that mode where they want nothing to do with the parents, feel the parents don't understand what life is like for them,etc. Try drawing them out by letting them know you know exactly how they feel by things such as "Oh I hated when my mom would make me scrub the bathtub when I was a kid, I'll bet you hate it too". Usually when you state how you relate to their feelings, instead of telling them how learning to clean the tub now will help them keep a clean house in adulthood, opens the kids up to feeling comfortable discussing their real feelings. This is very important to establish the trust kids need for when they do have "real" problems. If your kids feel safe, then if they are facing a problem such as peer pressure to do drugs, have sex, etc., your kids will feel they can come to you and openly discuss without being judged or condemned. I see too many parents who forget to actually listen to their kids, and the kids fall into a deep depression because they feel they can trust no one, not even their parents to help them through. If you see your kid obviously is holding back feelings, don't let them keep it in. Try talking to your kids and telling them how keeping things in isn't going to help, only make you feel worse and encourage them to let you help them. And when they do open up, don't be so quick to jump in with the advice. Let them get it all out and REALLY listen to what they are saying. You can find out so much about your child by being willing to listen. As a final word-look around you and see all the school shootings, suicides, self abusive children in America. If you really listen to the unspoken words you will see that they all have one thing in common-they feel that no one REALLY LISTENS to them. Let's stop being too busy with our own lives to help our kids with their own.  |
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