I'm thankful for Unconditional Love: the most important advice parents of teens can ever read
Mar 25 '01
The Bottom Line I was there; I know what it’s like. Unconditional love is the key to raising teens, but there are some other things you should know about it too.
I strongly believe that the teenage years are the toughest years for both the parents and the child. Some parents of newborns or toddlers might argue with that, but both of those stages last for a short period of time. But teenagers are teenagers for SEVEN YEARS!
Yet at the same time I believe that the teen years are some of the most REWARDING years for everybody! How is this possible? In this article I’m going to share some of my secrets.
You aren’t going to be the “perfect parent.” You’re going to make mistakes, and so is your teen. If you try to do it all, you’ll disappoint yourself. So take it moment by moment. When negative thoughts come up in the teen-raising process, replace them with positive thoughts, like, “What I’m saying and doing now will have an impact on this person’s life, if not now, then later on down the road. So my responses this moment have consequences – they will shape my child’s life for good or for evil.”
I owe pretty much all of my character to my parents. They were the ones who showed me the way, who led by example, who taught me with both what they said and what they did. Without them, who knows what kind of a person I’d be? So don’t think that your training is all for nothing, even if your teen seems to be ignoring everything you’ve said. Eventually the seeds you planted and watered and nurtured in their hearts will come to the surface. Just believe.
I don’t claim to have all the advice about raising teens. I’m not going to even attempt to tell you everything there is to know about the subject. But hopefully these pointers will help to, well, point you in the right direction. Some of them I’ve gained by experience as a teen; some of them I’ve developed through watching other teens and their parents. I am definitely not the parent of a teen, so this will be more of a Generation Y viewpoint than anything else.
SOME DO’S
Love them unconditionally.
Love isn’t something your teen earns. They don’t deserve it when they behave well, or lose it when they misbehave. Love is something that should be given no matter how much they love you or how much they obey your rules. Unconditional: without condition. What does that really mean? It means that you don’t say, “I’m going to love you IF you do this.” It means you don’t base your love on what you’re feeling towards your teen at the moment. It means you offer support and affection regardless of their actions or words.
Your teen may be the worst teen in the world, but they still need your unconditional love. If they think they have to earn your love, they will feel like they can never live up to your standards. If you ignore everything else I say in this article, remember this – that success or failure in raising your teen often depends on how unconditional your love is.
You may not feel like you are able to love them no matter what. You may feel loving toward them when they succeed and not so loving when they mess up. You’re not alone – in ourselves, none of us can love unconditionally all the time. That’s why we need to turn to God, who was the first to offer unconditional love, and each time we feel we can’t do it, we can turn to Him and receive the strength He gives.
Love your teens in spite of themselves.
No matter what type of kid they are, give them hugs and kisses and smiles and songs. I was – and still am – more of a melancholic personality; reserved, contemplative, sensitive, not very tactile. My older sister was – and still is – a sanguine; happy, warm, friendly, always hugging, always smiling. I will always be thankful that my parents, for the most part, made no difference between us; they showed affection and love to us equally, though in somewhat different ways. They respected my need to be alone for a little while each day, but also encouraged interaction with the family. Although as adults I feel that my sister and I are sometimes drawn to the parent we’re most like (and vice versa), we all love each other so much that we don’t really have favorites.
So if your teen seems withdrawn, and doesn’t seem to like hugging or being with family, love them fiercely anyway. They won’t admit it; they might not even say, “I love you” during their whole teenage years; but they’ll remember your love and support for the rest of their lives.
Spend more time listening than talking.
I know you have all this great advice to give, but sometimes teens need to learn by doing. So next time your teen seems to be having a problem, don’t lecture; instead, sit down over cups of hot chocolate and tell them, “I love you, [name]. No matter what you’re going through, I’ll always be here to listen.” Then actually listen, and ask leading questions about what they’re feeling, what they think their options are, etc. Don’t launch into a list of things they should do; let them discover the answer to their problems.
And if they come to you on their own, be receptive. Set aside what you’re doing and give them your full attention. If they see that you’re like, “Uh-huh, honey, that’s nice, but I have to get this done,” they aren’t going to talk to you in the future.
Make it fun to be part of the family.
If hanging out with friends and drinking is more fun that being around a reclusive, selfish family, then that’s what your teens are going to do. But if you make home a fun, interactive place, they’ll be more likely to spend time with the family. I know that teens have busy lives, and are often out of the house, but it’s still important to relate to their parents and siblings, and an warm, enjoyable atmosphere will encourage them to open up.
Some practical ideas for making home fun are establishing a family night, where you all decide on an activity to do together, like playing a game, watching a movie, reading a great book aloud, or singing and all the kids play their instruments. Another idea is setting aside time for each teen or child where they have their choice of doing whatever they want, uninterrupted. This means they can have two or three hours of straight computer time, watching whatever TV they want, cranking up their music all over the house, reading their favorite novel, or just having fun without being assaulted by little siblings or nagged to do chores. You wouldn’t believe what a gift this “special time” can be for a teenager who sometimes never has an opportunity to really do what they want at home.
Give them breathing room.
You’ve trained them in the way they should go; now let them have privacy and responsibility. Even though you should be involved in your children’s lives, and make sure that they are safe and everything, don’t be inquisitive to the point of nosiness. You wouldn’t like it if your teen went through your stuff while you were away, would you? Extend the same kind of respect in this area to your teens that you would toward an adult.
But if you think your teen is into something harmful, such as drugs or internet stalking or something,
It’s good to set rules, since they are living in your house and eating your food, but don’t lose your teen’s respect by violating their privacy.
Set rules and keep them.
You don’t know how upset I get when parents make vague threats and then don’t follow through. You can stamp and scream all you want, but if your kids know that your threats are just that, threats, they won’t respect your authority. Don’t feel like you’re ruining their lives by setting boundaries; in fact, an ancient proverb says something like, “If you let your child have their own way all the time, you will ruin their lives.” So it works backwards!
Some parents say, “Well, teens are going to try things anyway, like drugs, sex, alcohol, smoking. Might as well let them learn.” But you don’t have to put up with behavior like that. As long as your teens are living under your roof, it’s reasonable to expect them to obey your rules. It’s called tough love. Some parents are also worried that their kids will hate them if they ever punish them the least bit. Let me tell you something: if you let your teens become selfish brats, they will hate you, because they’ll suffer the consequences of their bad training for the rest of their lives. But if you discipline in a loving, firm way, you will not only gain their respect, you’ll send them the message that you care enough about them to make sure they grow up to be responsible adults.
With responsibility comes freedom (and vice versa)
You need to trust your teen before you give them freedom. Love isn’t something your child earns, but trust is. Freedom isn’t something your teen deserves automatically; if they’re behaving irresponsibly, how can you trust them to use MORE freedom wisely? But
Likewise, if they’ve been behaving responsibly up till now, respect that trust and don’t suspect them. There’s nothing that hurts more than your parent distrusting you when you’ve given them every reason to trust you. When they show responsibility, that’s the time to hand them the freedom – and to trust them with that freedom.
Trust is something very precious; make sure you’re giving it out intelligently.
Understand them.
This, after loving them, can be the hardest thing for a parent to do. WHY are they acting this way? you may demand. WHY can’t they just behave like every other normal teen? WHY do they have to be so…so…teenage?
Remember, this sort of stuff – rebellion, independence, self-searching, withdrawing – is something that every teenager experiences at one time or another. If you’re honest with yourself, you went through it too. I’m not trying to stereotype, but it’s pretty much self-evident that the teenage years are rough. Try to reflect back to your own teenagehood before lashing out at your teen for their wacky behavior.
Live for what’s truly important.
Ten years from now, what are you going to remember about your teen-raising years? Are you going to remember yelling day and night at them? Are you going to remember hours of turmoil and conflict? Or are you going to remember walking hand in hand with your teen as together you overcome obstacles? Live for the moment, and for the future.
SOME DON’TS
Don’t withhold love as punishment.
Ground them, fine, but don’t be cold and uncommunicative while they’re being punished. Your love isn’t something they somehow earn, it’s unconditional, or should be. Make it clear that they’re being punished in love.
Don’t nag.
Make it a family rule that you will ask them to do something once,
and if the behavior is not promptly forthcoming, there will be consequences – computer restrictions, no going out that night, or whatever punishment seems right. When the teen knows that procrastinating has penalties, they will be less likely to do it. Everybody hates nagging, both the person doing it and the person receiving it. Why not eliminate it for good?
Don’t expect too much.
If you set expectations for your kids – or for anyone – that are very high and unrealistic, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. I know you want your teens to be an absolute straight-A student, to always have a good attitude, to be perfect all the time, but that just isn’t going to happen. Instead, accept them the way they are and realize that they, like you, are human.
Don’t make Mt. Everests out of red-ant piles.
Does it really matter what color your daughter’s toenails are? When you look back on your teen-raising experience, will you remember your influence on their life as dominating how they decorate their room? Is it really that important whether they have a Justin Timberlake poster on their wall? Pick and choose your battles. Why argue over unimportant stuff? Stand your ground on what really matters, but compromise on the other things. Come on! A blond highlight isn’t going to shake the whole galaxy!!! (Sorry. I’m just remembering one of my own little “battles” – I somehow got a bleached streak of hair and my mom went crazy.)
Don’t ever give up on them.
Even during those tough teenage years, don’t lose hope. They aren’t going to be like this forever. Treasure the time you spend with your kids, because they will grow up and move away all too quickly.
Even if your teen ignores everything you say, moves out, does things his or her own way, let them know that you’ll always be there for them, that you will always love them, that while you might not support the choices they’re making, you will support and encourage them. Love and prayer will eventually get to them.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
I know the teenage years have gotten a bad rep. I may have sounded a bit worse-case-scenario here, but believe it or not, you can have some really great times with your teens if you establish your bases of love, respect, and trust. Remember how fast the years go, and enjoy the moment, because they’ll off to college before you know it. (And before they do, check out my review of a great college reading prep book here – http://www.epinions.com/content_14398754436
Parenting is tough work, and parenting teens is even tougher. But I want to tell you that you have the most important job that there can ever be – bringing up our world’s future. You are raising today’s teens and tomorrow’s leaders, workers, thinkers. Don’t lose hope. Keep on loving unconditionally. And trust God to bring you through.
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