"I'm thankful they taught me that"; Raising Teenagers ; Part II
Apr 03 '01
The Bottom Line When your kids leave the nest, do they have the skills they’ll need to make it as adults?
“ ‘But,’ one says, ‘you do not mean that the students should go to work with their hands instead of their heads?’ I do not mean that exactly, but I mean something which he might think a good deal like that; I mean that they should not play life, or study it merely, while the community supports them at this expensive game, but earnestly live it from beginning to end. How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living? Methinks this would exercise their minds as much as mathematics. If I wished a boy to know something about the arts and sciences, for instances, I would not pursue the common course, which is merely to send him into the neighborhood of some professor, where anything is professed and practiced but the art of life; – to survey the world through a telescope or a microscope, and never with his natural eye; to study chemistry, and not learn how his bread is made, or mechanics, and not learn how it is earned; to discover new satellites to Neptune, and not detect the motes in his eyes, or to what vagabond he is a satellite himself; or to be devoured by the monsters that that swarm all around him, while contemplating the monsters in a drop of vinegar. Which would have advanced the most at the end of a month – the boy who had made his own jackknife from the ore which he dug and smelted, reading as much as would be necessary for this – or the boy who had attended the lectures on metallurgy at the Institute in the meanwhile, and had received a Rodgers penknife from his father? Which would most likely to cut his fingers?”
- from Walden
Well, my first article on this hot topic was all about the guidelines to follow when raising your teens. I mentioned I had written an article on this to my mom. She said, “That’s great! Did you tell your friends at Epinions that the teenage years are essentially the years for preparing for adulthood?”
Um, good point, Mom. While I’m not recommended digging ore and making a knife, I realized that there was a whole other side to raising teens that I had never considered. The teenage years are the bridge between childhood and adulthood. It should be a time of acquiring the life skills that they’ll need as adults.
Unfortunately, many teens sail off to college and living on their own without ever learning the basics of civilization. Yeah, they learn where Sumer the First Civilization was, but they never learned about how to live in OUR civilization.
It’s the responsibility of the parent(s) to make sure their child knows what they need to know in order to survive BEFORE they leave the nest. You can’t rely on school to teach your teens the basics. Home ec? Gone. Job-hunting/interviewing? Never existed. Real-life math? Does anybody actually take that?
I see so many young adults living on their own who really haven’t a clue. I think to myself, “What were their parents THINKING?! They obviously weren’t.” Parents are much less involved these days with their kids than they were even twenty years ago. Are they teaching their kids anything? This apathy about teen-raising really concerns me. These teens are going to be ADULTS soon! And they’re acting like three-year-olds!!
So parents, don’t just throw your kid out into the world. You don’t know how much it means for a college freshman to already know the fundamentals of living on their own, while their peers flounder around. You are giving them a gift that’s far more precious than dishtowels, a highschool ring, or any other little departure gift. You’re giving them life…in more than one way.
Marilyn vos Savant has an excellent article in last week’s Parade magazine that I found AFTER my mom had brought this topic up. If you didn’t read her article, look in the library for the 3/25 Sunday newspaper, and make a copy of her column.
This list of life skills I’ve compiled is taken from a number of sources. Some of it is from the Parade article, some of it is wisdom gleaned from my mom, and some of it is personal experience. PARENTS, TAKE NOTE! These aren’t just optional talents; these are vital, crucial skills that your teens will use all their lives.
THINGS YOUR TEEN SHOULD KNOW BEFORE GOING TO COLLEGE
Job Skills
Resume writing. Who DOESN’T use this ability at least a few times in their life?
How to search for good jobs
How to interview. Would you believe that some people walk into an interview in bikinis, sandals, midriffs, jean shorts, and some otherwise beach-only wear? Live by example. Your teens will eventually get the drift if you always go to interviews in a suit.
Keeping a steady job. Something many teens have never practiced. When you work at McDonald’s just to get some spending money, you get the “I-can-quit-anytime-I-want” mentality.
Financial Skills
Maintaining a budget. What, you mean spend less than you make? That is so uncool!
Balancing a checkbook. Making those little numbers come up right is HARD…and what about when you just can’t make those four cents reappear? Good thing to teach your kids.
Investing. Even if your teen has no aspirations for Wall Street, it’s still a good idea to prevent this: (Twenty-five-year-old son) “Mom, what’s a bear market? Why didn’t you TELL me?”
Domestic Skills
Cooking meals
Keeping a house clean
Taking care of kids
These are all very important abilities to have if your teen is contemplating a family later on in life. I know that these things aren’t very masculine, but your son needs to know how to cook an egg without scorching the omelet, throwing the half-cooked ham on the egg, dumping a whole cup of jalapeno cheese into the pan, and catching the plastic package on fire (this whole scenario was one of the highlights of my cooking career).
Another thing that’s worthy of its own paragraph is LAUNDRY. Do you know how many college students buy 3 weeks’ worth of clothes so they only have to go down to the laundrymat once a month? And thereafter, how many people just don’t do laundry that often? Set an age at which the child starts doing their own laundry – that will really help them prepare for a day when Mom won’t be there to do it for them. (Or will she?)
Fixing skills
No I don’t mean your cat, the vet can do that. I mean your basic handyman stuff, like:
Repairing the car
Changing the oil
Making big machines work again (I’m thinking the fridge, washing machine, etc.)
Fixing the computer (or at least being able to call the company and follow their instructions)
Painting the house. I know this isn’t exactly a fixing job, but it’s a good skill to have (and I didn’t have any other category for it)
Changing the air filter.
Social skills
Yeah, your child can’t just huddle in a corner by him/herself for the rest of their life. They’ve got to interact a little…not just with the family, but with the world. Some good examples of this type of skills would be:
Keeping up a conversation with a person you just met.
Knowing about pop culture. I know, Hollywood these days is really stupid, but you gotta know who these people are if you’re going to relate with the world!
Maintaining relationships. What good is it to have all these other skills covered if you can’t stay married to someone because you have no relationship skills? Not just with a spouse or significant other, but with friends, family, coworkers, teachers, etc.
Self-control
When your teen goes to college, there ain’t nobody gonna tell them to pick up their socks. They’ve got to learn personal responsibility for those kinds of things. This skill is the key to all the others. You can make them clean the house and cook and change the oil and everything, but if they don’t have self-control, they’re going to slack on those things when they leave.
Here comes my mom’s wisdom again: There comes a time in a person’s life where they have fewer external controls and more internal controls. As a four-year-old, you probably aren’t going to be responsible enough to go to bed on time by yourself. You’re going to have to have Mommy come tuck you in. But as a teen, you have – or should – at least the potential for self-control when it comes to going to bed at a reasonable hour. That’s the sort of thing that parents need to be backing off of as their teens grow up. As long as the teen is showing responsibility, the parent should let the teen have more internal controls.
So there you have it! A good starting list of skills for an eighteen-year-old or younger to have. This is going beyond chores here; I want to make that clear. These are the essentials of life, guys! Some ADULTS don’t have these skills mastered! Do you want your twenty-three-year-old sitting amongst stacks of dirty dishes as he stares at the TV for hours on end? That’s what I mean by self-control (or lack thereof).
And once you’ve taught your teens these skills, have them DO them on a regular basis. The skills won’t become skills until they’ve been practiced lots of times.
Your teen, as he or she goes to college, won’t know everything there is to know about life. Some of it they’re gonna have to learn by experience. That’s the painful but honest-to-goodness truth – you can’t protect them from all the problems of life. But you can give them a running start by teaching them what they need to know to survive and thrive. Please, don’t throw your kids out into the world without teaching them how to really LIVE. They can’t play at life. They’re going to have to live it.
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Greatpilgrim
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Member: Victoria
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April 25: My computer has now officially been broken for 10 days. WAHHHH!
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