How to Cope - A message for Family and Friends
Apr 09 '01
The Bottom Line Do not minimize the pain a woman feels after experiencing a miscarriage - think before you speak.
There once was a girl who was innocently living her life. She had gotten pregnant twice in her life, and always assumed that when a woman became pregnant, nine months later she would give birth to a healthy baby. Oh, what a naive little girl. Yes, she had heard of miscarriage, but that is something that happened to other people. Besides, it's not like it is THAT big of a deal. Something that disrupts your life, but you just have another baby and then move on.
Then that girl found her child one day, dead. Her life changed forever. She started reaching out to other women who had experienced a loss. That is when she began to understand the trauma of a miscarriage. She began to understand that this was more than a medical issue - this was about a mother losing her child.
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Through the years I have learned how people hurt, and how people heal. I recently had a couple of heated debates with others trying to explain the pain of a miscarriage to some women. Finally, I decided to reach out to the women that have helped me so much, and give them something in return. I am publicly stating what they feel are the most insensitive statements by people who don't have a clue (referred to as DHAC in our online support groups.) The following are remarks made to women after suffering from a miscarriage as told to me by the mothers themselves. Where possible, I have included the reason they have given for these statements being so insensitive.
1) "You are young enough to have another one"
This may very well be true. However, does another child replace the one you have lost? A miscarriage is especially difficult because the mother may not even have a face to associate with her child. She has lost her hopes, her dreams. Her excitement over the pregnancy has been replaced with grief, and the results are devastating. She may have another child, but it will not change the fact that she has lost her baby either.
2. "It wasn't meant to be/It is for the best/It may have had a birth defect or died after it was born"
How can losing a child ever be for the best? And when did a baby become an "it"? No one ever tells someone when they lose a loved one in a car accident "Well, it is for the best. He could have gotten cancer when he was older." This is a child that has been lost. This is a mother's heart that has been broken. Most of the women I have talked to would love to have their baby back, no matter what other obstacles there may be.
3. "At least you didn't get to know her/him/it
yet - it won't hurt as bad that way to lose him/her/it." or "at least it happened now and not further in the pregnancy"
I have a response from a lady involved with the support group I am part of. Her name is Julia and she writes, "That is the tragedy and what hurts the most - all the things that I won't get to do with my child, all the memories we would have made - a lifetime of loving and being loved that won't occur now and the pleasure of seeing my child grow up and being there to see it and knowing I had a hand in that - that is the magnitude of what I have lost."
I think she says it pretty well. As far as earlier in the pregnancy versus later in the pregnancy - I have learned that it makes no difference. A woman who loses a child at 7 weeks gestation can mourn just as much as a woman who loses her child at 20 weeks. There is no comparison when it comes to grief. I have truly learned this the hard way.
Julia also makes a good point when she writes, "Why is it that the worst dhac lines seem to always begin with "at least...?"
4. "Be grateful for your other child(ren). At least
you have them."
Julia again, "I am grateful for them. If they weren't so amazing I would not have put myself through the effort of having another. How would you feel if I told you after say, you lost your mother, "be grateful for your father - at least you have him" ?
I think she responds well. Maybe if all of us took the time to replace the word "miscarriage" with the thought of losing a parent or a spouse, we would not expect people to "get over it", or "have another one."
5. "It could have been so much worse . . . I know someone who lost a baby at birth, at age 3, etc . . .."
And one more response from Julia. "I wish I could claim credit for this comeback - but that will have to go
to my brother Nathan:
'It doesn't matter if it is a little pile of poop or a big pile of poop -
it still stinks!'"
I would like to add something here - it is of little help to the grieving mother to talk about others who are pregnant. It is probably not a good idea to ask her to go to a baby store. If you were considering inviting her to a baby shower you may phone her first and see if she is comfortable with that and assure her that she is under no obligation to attend. It is very difficult to see others experiencing the joy you so long to have.
6. And perhaps the worse - Total Silence.
If a woman is sharing her pain over a miscarriage with you total silence can make her feel like the loss is insignificant. It can be an uncomfortable situation, and sometimes it is difficult to know exactly what to say. But please don't remain silent.
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I would love to follow this with the "right" things to say. I am not sure that they exist though. However, I do know that what helps is a gentle hug, an offer of condolences. If nothing else, ask if there is anything that you can do to help. Let her know you support her, you care about her, and that you are willing to do anything to assist her in coping. She may never take you up on the offer, but she will never forget your kind words, either.
For the woman experiencing a miscarriage, get support. If you can't find it in those around you, look for it. There is a site on the web, www.honoredbabies.org that offers online support groups to help you meet others who have experienced a loss. If you are planning to get pregnant right away, I suggest www.spals.com - this website also has a link to an online support network.
There are other ways to help you cope. Some people take comfort in naming their baby. A lot of women make an online memorial, showing the life of their child. You can include memories, ultrasound photos and the like.
Most importantly, remember that grieving is ok. It is ok to be angry, it is ok to cry. It is not unnatural to question your religious philosophy. It is ok to seek help. Sometimes grieving is delayed - it took me 10 1/2 months before I allowed myself to feel the pain of losing my daughter. There is no "right way" to grieve, and there is no "target date" when that grieving is supposed to end. I still mourn my little girl, 2 1/2 years after her death. I will probably mourn her the rest of my life. I don't think grieving ever gets easier, we just learn to cope with it differently.
Finally, I would like to offer my own support to any of those who need it. Please feel free to email me anytime if you need anything at all.
With Love,
~Heather
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hhassell99
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Member: Heather Sawyer
Location: Lakewood, CO
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About Me:
Home Schooling, Breastfeeding, SAHM and a whole list of other qualities that annoy people.
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