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I Can't Complain, But Sometimes I Still DoApr 25 '01 (Updated Jun 14 '01) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Sloucho is a pompous, long-winded, digressive jerk. And Lester Bangs loves him.
I was surprised to see Lester Bangs approaching me because he is, after all, dead. I feared that he was a zombie risen to eat my brains, so I was in the process of reaching for a football helmet when he politely explained that he had been sent to interview me for an epinions write off entitled "I Ripped Off Your Write Off: It's All About the Music Redux." "That's an awfully long title," I replied. Bangs: It can't be helped. It's actually a sort of sequel to a write off that really went down last week. But sleestakk and phixed liked the idea of it so much that they decided to trot it back out for the fans. Sloucho: I see, and have you been brought back from the dead to interview everybody--or just me? Bangs: Just you. Sloucho: I suppose that's flattering--in a morbid sort of way. Bangs: Not really. The original write off was in honor of IleneG's one year anniversary at epinions. She sent out all the greats--Hendrix, Lennon, Joplin, Morrison, even Keith Moon--to interview the people that she knows. Since she has no idea who you are, you got stuck with me, a plain old embittered critic, just like you. Sloucho: C'mon Ilene! Bangs: That's very funny. You've anticipated the answer to the first question I'm supposed to ask you. Sloucho: Which is? Bangs: What song are you embarrassed to tell anyone you love despite the fact that you blast it whenever it comes on the radio? Sloucho: How did you know I have a soft spot for "Come on Eileen"? You really are an astute critic, aren't you? Bangs: You think I would waste my critical prowess figuring out what appeals to Sloucho? I only know it because I'm dead and being punished for my misdeeds. Part of my punishment is to listen to music that is liked by people who should know better. And you should certainly know better than to sing along with Dexy's Midnight Runners when some misguided DJ imposes their putridly bouncy melodies on the unoffending airwaves. Sloucho: You're mean. Bangs: That's what they tell me. It's what pays the bills. Can we get on to the next question, please? I have to get back to being dead. Sloucho: Fire away. Bangs: What's your favorite moment at an awards show? Sloucho: Ooo! Ooo! I've been waiting my whole life for someone to ask me that one. I have an answer. Are you ready? Bangs: I await with bated breath. Sloucho: Before you can print my response to your question, you have to remind your readers about what George Bernard Shaw said when he was offered the Nobel Prize for literature. Bangs: Which was? Sloucho: He said that the Nobel Prize was a life preserver thrown to a swimmer once he had already struggled to the shore. Bangs: So you think awards aren't cool? Sloucho: It's not what I think that matters. It's that if Shaw was cool enough to have a healthy disrespect for awards, then shouldn't rock stars--since they are supposed to be the embodiment of cool--turn their backs on crap like the Grammy Awards and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Bangs: That doesn't really answer the question. Sloucho: I'm trying to explain why I don't watch awards shows and why I like to imagine that the musicians I respect would never attend them. What are you scribbling there? Bangs: I'm scribbling that you can't answer the second question because you've never seen a music awards show. And if you must know, I'm drawing lines through all that crap about George Bernard Shaw. You're old enough to know better, Sloucho. Nobody cares about stuff like that. They want weepy speeches and revealing clothes. Jesus, it's as if you've never been interviewed for Epitaph-inscribed Stone before. Sloucho: Sorry. I'll try to be more interesting with my next response. So what's the next question? Bangs: What song makes you feel cool when you're driving? Sloucho: I'm guessing any song about having a chauffeur would do the trick. I hate driving. It's for losers. Bangs: Attaboy! Now you're getting the hang of it. Nobody wants discussions of turn-of-the-century Irish playwrights. They don't really care what you give 'em so long as it's short and easy to remember. Sloucho: Less coaching; more questions. Bangs: What song brings up painful memories? Sloucho: All of them. Bangs: Stop it. I thought you were getting the hang of things, but I don't think you've quite gotten the point. You want to give an occasional smarty-pants answer to keep them amused. But if you keep it up nonstop, the readers will start to feel as if you're making fun of them. Sloucho: Well they deserve it if they don't have the patience for points aptly illustrated with witticisms from Shaw. Bangs: I am very glad that I am dead. The people of your generation just don't have a clue about how to be interviewed. This is positively painful. Do you understand that tens--perhaps even dozens--of people will read this interview? Do you really want to embarrass yourself in this way? Sloucho: I'm sorry. I'll try to be good. How's this: The song that brings up the most painful memories for me is Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" because it was my first 'real' girlfriend's favorite song and I actually tried to serenade her with it when I was fourteen. Remember how Chef has to provide his own backing vocals on "No Substitute for Your Love" when he tries to serenade the substitute teacher on South Park? Imagine me, goofus that I am, trying to serenade this chick named Brandy by singing "All night long," and then trying to whisper "All night--yeah" under my own breath. Bangs: That's better, but too long. I'll see what I can do when I'm revising the article. Sloucho: Thanks. Next question. Bangs: What is your favorite song about sex, booty calls, or anything trashy? Sloucho: I can definitely tell you my least favorite song about trash. It's called "Garbage Man" and goes like this: I am your garbage man. I take out your garbage. Thank you, ma'am. I am your garbage man. I take out your garbage. Thank you, ma'am. It's by a band called Sound Farm. They opened for Depeche Mode at a concert full of kids wearing black and smoking clove cigarettes. If I had been given the opportunity to wipe out the human species while they played that song, I'm afraid I would have had to take it. Bangs: You are one long-winded sonofab!tch, aintcha? Sloucho: You mean you want me to get on with giving you my real answer to the question, my favorite song about sex? Bangs: Please. I have that whole punishment for my misdeeds thing to get back to. Sloucho: Prince's "Sexy M*therf*cker," hands down. Bangs: That's a good song. Sloucho: You don't have to tell me. Next question. Bangs: What, in your opinion, is the funniest song? Sloucho: You're going to lecture me if I begin by saying that Frank Zappa once posed the question, "Does humor belong in music?" Bangs: I sure am. Sloucho: And you're really going to lose your temper when you find out that I'm setting myself up to say that what Zappa learned is that humor only belongs in music when Tipper Gore isn't listening. Bangs: Been saving that one since the 80s, eh? Sloucho: I'm telling you, I should have been writing for the Village Voice all these years. Bangs: You ain't missing much. The pay is terrible. Sloucho: Still, I wish you wouldn't be so impatient with me when it comes to a discussion of what I think is the funniest song. I'm pretty sure that Zappa's Joe's Garage is the funniest album in rock and roll. But his funniest song, "Tinseltown Rebellion," isn't even on that album. When his band plays the music for "Iron Man" as Frank sings, "Why do I--rock you like a nincompoop?" that's pretty funny. His skewering of "leather groups and plastic groups and groups that look real queer" is just about the funniest fifteen seconds in all of popular culture. But then I also love what the guys in Barenaked Ladies do with licks from Rush songs in "This Is Me in Grade 9." Sometimes, however, I'm convinced that the very funniest song ever recorded is the version of "Particle Man" sung by a group of third graders and released on They Might Be Giants' Then. Bangs: You just never can get straight to the point, can you? Sloucho: Look, I'm the interviewee. It's your job to edit this all into something interesting. Bangs: I'll see what I can do, but I'm not really as talented as people imagine--certainly not talented enough to make a guy like you seem interesting. Sloucho: Well, with an attitude like that . . . Bangs: The next question is, "Which song would you be listening to on your way to commit a crime?" Sloucho: You're going to hate me. I have some introductory material for this response too. Bangs: Get on with it. Sloucho: Do you remember the Bruce Willis film that absolutely everybody hated, Hudson Hawk? Bangs: Yes, I had to watch it as part of the punishment for my misdeeds. Sloucho: But you sort of liked it, didn't you? Bangs: Yeah, but don't tell God or I won't be able to watch it again. It was actually kind of clever. Sloucho: I sort of thought so too. I really liked that touch the writer gave Hudson Hawk of having him sing as he committed a crime. If a crime had to be performed in three minutes and fifty-five seconds, he learned a song that was precisely that long and sang it as he worked. He didn't have to keep checking his watch as he worked because he knew how to pace himself based on where he was in the song. Bangs: So what's your point? Sloucho: My point is that I hate to be rushed. I mean I absolutely cannot stand being rushed. Bangs: With responses like yours, I never would have guessed. Sloucho: All I'm saying is if I were on my way to commit a crime, I would be listening to whatever song I intended to sing during the actual perpetration of the crime. Bangs: And since you don't like to be rushed, I'm guessing you would be listening to "In-a-gadda-da-vida" by Iron Butterfly. Sloucho: Actually, no. I can't stand that song. But I sort of like Jethro Tull's "Thick As a Brick." Bangs: Forty-plus minutes? Pompous crap. Sloucho: I still like it. Bangs: Moving on. What group in particular can you absolutely not stand? Sloucho: Since all hair metal bands are the same, I don't see much point in giving them different names. I'm not even entirely convinced that they are different bands. But if I could go back in time and kill the members of Bon Jovi, Poison, Motley Crue, Def Leppard, and all the other idiots who killed rock and roll before my very young and impressionable eyes, I would do so in a heartbeat. Bangs: Which singer would you donate a lung (or at least an appendix) to be alone with? Sloucho: I've always wanted to get rid of my appendix. It seems that the only thing it's good for is rupturing when you're trapped in a cave or circling an airport in a 747. You can have my appendix for free, but if you can arrange for some luminary of rock to visit me while I'm recovering from the surgery, I guess I would have to go with Les Claypool of Primus. Sure, it's tempting to name someone like Chrissie Hynde or Suzanne Vega or Tanya Donnely or any of the songstresses that I can't help having slight crushes on. But it's hardly as if Laurie Anderson is sitting around waiting to be romantically validated by Sloucho, so I'd just as soon not give myself the opportunity to embarrass myself by making a pass at her. Bangs: I ain't touching any of that. What was the biggest disappointment following a hit record? Sloucho: Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that Recovering the Satellites is bad, but I rather expected the Counting Crows to do a bit better in the three years they had had following August . . . and Everything After. Disappointment has to do with expectations, and maybe my expectations are more to be blamed here than what the band actually came up with. Bangs: Very diplomatic. What song has come the closest to making you cry? Sloucho: Anything from Lou Reed's Berlin. It just doesn't get any sadder than that. Bangs: Who gets the loser award? Sloucho: I don't understand the question. Bangs: Neither do I. But it's right here on the list. So tell me, who gets the loser award? Sloucho: Is it a good thing or a bad thing to get the loser award? Bangs: Again, I have no idea. Sloucho: So I just need to come up with somebody neutral, somebody that people have mixed feelings about, somebody with some good work and some schlocky work. If being a loser means being universally scorned despite having some excellent songs to one's credit, I suppose Elton John fits the bill. And if being a loser means being responsible for some incredible tripe, well then I suppose Elton John fits that bill as well. Bangs: Last question: What's the coolest thing ever done by an artist or group? Sloucho: I guess I'm supposed to get all Bob Geldoffy on this one and talk about Live Aid or some such thing. But I think the coolest thing done by any group is actually done by virtually every group: They jam. When everybody in the band feels the music and the guitar and the bass and drums just slide into each other and build things out of one another and the singer's voice is just a part of the musical equation, that's every bit as good as sex. Call me socially irresponsible, but I think musicians are at their coolest when they're making music. When they wear ribbons or engage in other consciousness-raising activities, they almost always irritate me. Bangs: Amen, brother! Sloucho: You agree? Bangs: No, actually I don't care. But I'll probably have to pretend to agree in order to provide some kind of conclusion. People won't be expecting me to agree with you because you'll come across as such an idiot when I write up the article. And so when I shock them by siding with you, they'll be tricked into thinking they've learned something about me or about themselves or possibly even about you. Thanks for your time. Now I have to go watch Hudson Hawk again. Sloucho: I reckon it beats the heck out of Dexy's Midnight Runners. ____________________________________ For contributions to this write off that can be read in less than several hours, check out the following writers: repulsemonkey, MiDoyle, Pyanfar, spicymeatball, zenhues, Psychovant, fm_hunter, slave_boy, Fez_Monkey, drlolipop, Mr.Eyore, jkkelley, factotum, monssfisch, Saxguy, jordan_tar, Arazim, adamldemarco, redsox75, kellydeal, sxejustin, movielover123, DVON, SpookyMonkey, churst, phineaskc, MattA75, xiphoid, Mr_D, PezKing, Officer, phixed, and sleestakk.  |
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