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I will NEVER forget - quit trying to make me...Apr 27 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Miscarriage is a heartwrenching experience. Our feelings shouldn't have to be hidden or shoved in a dark corner. It's not something we'll ever forget - don't be forced into trying. February 12, 2001....the hardest day in my life. This was the day I lost my baby angel to the hands of God. He was 8 weeks 5 days old. Entirely too young to have his life over! I'm sure sooo many of you reading this now can agree with that statement wholeheartedly! Tragically, this happens to thousands of women everyday. In my situation, this was my third pregnancy. I have two wonderful daughters now. Megan - who is 3 1/2 years old and Taylor who is about to turn 1 year old in May. Obviously, this meant that I had gotten pregnant when Tay was only around 7 months of age. To put it mildly, my pregnancy with Taylor was VERY difficult. I spent the majority of it in the hospital and the whole time I was fed via IV's. The birth was just as difficult and she spent weeks in the NICU on ventilators and the like. So the idea of another pregnancy so soon was at best - terrifying. I was not sure I was ready - not to mention my husband. Our lives were finally getting back to some type of normalcy. I struggled with this for the first few days after getting the positive results. After the initial shock had worn off, I was, of course, excited about my impending arrival. How could I not be? Every baby is a complete miracle and no matter how difficult the pregnancy was going to be - I was willing to do it for my unborn child. I had no more than begun to feel this way when -- BOOM -- my baby was taken from me. And my heart was torn at the seams. I'm sure many of you can also relate to that feeling. The whole process of calling the OB and having to go in there - it was heartwrenching. Fortunately, I have a WONDERFUL doc and she brought me in the side door and allowed me to wait in her personal office in order to avoid seeing all the expectant women in the lobby. Not that this really made the process any easier - but I appreciated it immensely. If only there were more people in this world with her compassion... It took me a couple of days before the horror of what had just happened sunk in. I think I was in shock. I had just experienced the ultimate high and low of human emotions within days. Of course, I was terribly upset. Endless questions as to why, tears, blame, guilt and anger -- i had them all. And in the beginning - everyone around me was very understanding. Well, as understanding as they could be with not having experienced a similar loss. However, after a couple of weeks time had passed -- that all seemed to change. I don't know if I had suddenly passed some "benchmark" in their timetable as to when I should be "over it" or what. But that's when the comments started. You know which one's i mean -- the comments that are said with good intentions but are actually cruel. I've listed some of my most common - and what i SHOULD have said to them. Because as they say, retrospect is so much clearer! *It was for the best... - Now, how can this be for the best?! A child was lost - a life ended. There is no good in this! Would I say this to someone who just lost their sibling/parent? Of course not. And what about those tragic cases in which a small child has passed away...would they go up to the parents at the funeral and tell them that this was all for the best. I think not. In retrospect, I should have said something relating to this. Maybe it would have opened their eyes to the insensitivity in the comment. Or maybe not - it's hard to say. *But you have two girls - isn't that enough? - That's not the issue. I love my girls - they are my life. But what if I had believed this ridiculous theory after Megan? Taylor would not exist! Are they saying the world is better off without her? I'm sure they don't mean in that way - but it comes across like that. In addition, this is minimalizing the importance of the life i lost. Just because he never got to breathe the air of this world - does not mean he wasn't real. Don't try to tell me what to appreciate and be thankful for - I'm well aware. *You were only 8 weeks.... - How does this matter?! Whether I was 8 days, 8 weeks, or 8 months - the end result is the same. I have lost that baby! I loved him with my whole heart - not only a small piece of it. A mother's love for her child knows no limits. So for someone to make little of it because the baby was small - well, that's painful to hear. *It(you)could've been sick like Taylor... - So what?! I lived through it all once, I'd do it again. and again and again. I will do anything for my children. And as for being a preemie and spending time in the NICU - no one knows for a fact that this would have happened. That's the same as looking at the tragic death of a teenager and saying "for the best - he could've died from some fatal disease later in life" I could say "what if"'s for the rest of my life and never get anywhere. (believe me, i've done it already) *This happened for a reason/it was God's plan - This may very well be the case, but don't sit here and expect me to understand the reasons! Don't expect me to say "well, okay, if that's what was supposed to happen, then fine" No one can tell me why I lost my baby, no one ever will. But don't minimalize my loss by lumping it into some generalization. That doesn't ease my mind. *I know you were sad - but it happened 2 mo ago... - Okay, when did there become a timetable on grief?! Cause that's what i'm going through - immense grief. I'm sorry if they don't all feel the same emotions or as strongly - those are their feelings. And i don't presume to tell them what they should feel. Don't tell me how to feel either. Again, if they lost their mother - would they be "over it"? And for the record - I will NEVER get over. I may learn how to cope with the loss - but i will not forget it. I guess what i'm trying to say is that there are many people in our lives who just can't understand. They don't realize what they are saying when they speak. And until they have been in my shoes - they will never get it. For a long time I have had these reactions to the "friendly comments" listed above and thought that maybe i was just overreacting. But I'm not, and you're not! We have endured one of life's most terrible experiences and we will handle it in our own way, in our own time. I wish that I had known my feelings were normal, that they were justified. Maybe then I could've responded to some of these people instead of politely smiling and then hiding in a room to let the tears silently roll. By writing this, I hope to accomplish three things. First of all, it is so theraputic for me to write these feelings down. All of you who have experienced a loss should do the same. Secondly, I pray that I have reassured some of you floundering out there. I hope that I have shown you that you are not alone, you are not overreacting. I have been in your shoes. Lastly, on the off chance that you are someone reading this opinion in hopes of understanding a wife/friend who has miscarried, I hope I have offered a glimpse into our minds and our hearts. I do not mean to offend any of you or make anyone out to be the "bad guy". As i said before, it's all a matter of perspective. I pray for each of you who are dealing with a loss, may God be with you and may your days gradually get a little easier. Don't try to forget - you'll only bang your head up against a brick wall. Learn to cope. Find a support group, find a counselor, join an online community for grieving parents. You can be happy again - it just takes time. I'm still struggling, every day is a challenge. But I have also begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sincerely hope you all can too. Best wishes to all.  |
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