One-Hit Wonders Laugh at Us, 'Cause at Least They Had a Hit.

Care to take a trip back in time with me?

The year was 1999. The month was July. And I had just embarked on my first airplane flight ever, to spend a few weeks of the summer with my first serious girlfriend and her family, in a cabin on the shore of Lake Superior in Upper Michigan. The place itself was beautiful and tranquil, but things weren't working out so well for me. I wasn't quite fitting in to the family traditions that I had entered in to, I guess, and my (now ex-) girlfriend saw the trip more as family time than couple time. This left long stretches during each day where I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself, so I spent a number of lazy afternoons in my bunk, journaling and listening to various cassettes on my walkman. Needless to say, this was an ideal time during which to absorb myself in some new music. That wish was granted one day, while we were all visiting the nearby town of Marquette, and she and I were poking around the local Christian bookstore. There in the clearance bin, with the going price of about $4, was a tape by a band that I had peripheral knowledge of. The tape in question was Mimes of the Old West, by the band This Train. And in addition to being an all-around fun album, it's become a memento that gives me warm memories of a place that was beautiful to me, even if a lot of my experiences there were not so beautiful. Isn't it great, how music can do that for us sometimes?

Well, I'm assuming that you're here to read about the music, not about my sentimentality. Suffice to say, the band This Train (not to be confused with Train, of "Drops of Jupiter" fame) played a witty and fun-loving variant of "rockabilly" music that fit perfectly against the backdrop of backwoods Michigan. (Except for when they were trying to play surf or swing music - but that was fun too.) Best of all, these guys were witty. I love it when songwriters show an ability to play on words and make solid points in unexpected and amusing ways. My shopping companion was wary that this would be a one-hit wonder band, since we had both heard, and been amused by, the single "We're Getting Nowhere (Fast)", which was about the kind of song you'd expect from an amusing one-hit wonder band that didn't quite know how to replicate the charm enough times to sustain an entire album. But no need to worry - This Train delivers the amusement about as effectively as the Barenaked Ladies crossed with Drew Carey. (And if you take a look at the band photo in the album sleeve, one of the guys in the band looks like exactly that!) Being a Christian band, however, there's also some thoughtful musings on more serious spiritual issues that are handled with a wistful, even playful attitude, not unlike the late Rich Mullins. This isn't surprising, since lead singer Mark Robertson was doubling as a member of Rich's Ragamuffin Band at the time, and Rich even made an appearance on this album (one likely recorded at the eleventh hour before his untimely death in 1997). All of these influences mix together well for a generally fast-paced and altogether different experience than what you're likely to get with most Christian rock bands.

Hangar 84
What better way than to start off a spiritually-themed rockabilly album than with a fuzzy blast of a surf instrumental interlaced with sampled voices talking about aliens and conspiracy theories? Um, well I guess there are probably a lot of better ways. But dang, this is a fun note to start on, and it leads effectively into the first actual "song".

We're Getting Nowhere (Fast)
Living in a crummy yard beats sitting on the fence
We'll just keep on going 'til we learn to take a hint...
Ironically the closest thing to a "hit" that This Train ever managed to conjure up, this more straightforward rocker takes a humorous look at what it means for the first to be last and the last to be first. Basically, it's a self-deprecating portrait of themselves as a band that nobody's heard of, but who is ultimately happy with its position in the grand scheme of things. The song arose from a conversation with the members of the mega-popular Christian group dc Talk (Mark makes a sly comment about how "We ain't as cute as Toby, Mike, or Kevin") about how different musicians are meant to serve different purposes, and not every Christian artist is meant to be a superstar, because not being one doesn't invalidate your work or indicate that no one is getting anything out of it. This song has a lot of quips such as "We're gonna go for the bronze and fly our banners at half-mast/And no time like the present to start living in the past" that indicate that they don't take themselves too seriously, and that even their failings can be used for good. "We don't look to MTV like it's the Holy Grail." Man, if only more bands in the music industry overall lived by that creed!

The Missing Link
Dianetics, metaphysics, psychotherapy
That voodoo that you do, just never worked on me...
A well-meaning, and purposefully somewhat sloppy, song about mankind trying to find all the answers show up here, and while this one seems to have found some acceptance at Christian radio, I actually think it's one of the album's weaker moments. Jordan Richter does an awesome job with his jumpy, noisy guitar work, and drummer Cobra Joe (which is as perfect a name for someone in a band like this as I can fathom) is every bit as lively, so that mainly leaves Mark to drop the ball as far as his vocal approach. I guess it's the one point where his half-nerd, half-cowboy tone starts to get on my nerves, as he overdoes it a bit and sacrifices the actual tune of the song too. The song has some amusing lines such as "I think therefore I am... I think", but in the end, it can sound like a cheap shot against philosophy and evolution and other religions, etc. if taken the wrong way. It isn't meant to do that; it's meant to illustrate that some things have to be taken by faith, and even those who follow science or metaphysics or whatever as they search for answers are no exception to that rule. Even the atheist has faith that there is no God, after all.

Who's Stopping You
And if all of this is so liberating, why do you look so mad?
If I'm blind as you keep insinuating, why keep coming back?
You know you must have written something worthwhile when the venerable Ashley Cleveland shows up to record a duet with you. She's probably one of the gutsiest female vocalists in all of CCM, an industry where most of them are encouraged to sound like pop/R&B divas or cutesy magic-mom types. This slightly moodier, but still rather fast-paced song seems to be a retort directed at a skeptic who wants to turn his back on the Christian faith and keeps trying to reason with Mark about how outdated it is, and yet something keeps him hanging around. Mark is basically saying "I don't know who's stopping you from checking out of this place." Ashley's verse sounds a tad bit judgmental when her turn at the mic comes up, especially the odd line "I don't know who you've been talking to, perhaps your telepsychic" - again, it's easy to take as a cheap shot. However, Mark makes a good point that this person's apparent liberation from the shackles of faith seems to have only left him more frustrating. The song trails off suddenly on the lingering question, "And what about that voice you heard?"

Mimes of the Old West
They'd throw imaginary ropes around imaginary cattle
No one was amused
They'd get themselves all trapped inside invisible boxes
And then they'd look confused...
If you've ever enjoyed bands like the Barenaked Ladies, Five Iron Frenzy, or Relient K simply because they have a penchant for recording silly songs that have no point whatsoever, then this song is for you. Cranking the rockabilly factor up to the next level, the boys rattle off a completely ridiculous ode to those who walked around Dodge City in the 1800's wearing unitards, and who "paved the way for the great Marcel Marceau". Judging from the liner notes, Mark isn't exactly worried about the repercussions of poking fun at the plight of misunderstood mimes - as he points out, "At least they can't yell at us". Listen for some fabulous guitar work, manic drumming, and goofy cowboy shouts as this song comes crashing to an end.

A Million Years
Change doesn't scare me
No, I'm not impressed by change
In the light of reality, these fads are just fallacies
And they all get washed away...
It wasn't long after Rich Mullins' death that a bunch of folks suddenly came around and realized that the man wrote some poignant songs, often reflecting on his own infinitesimal size in the grand scheme of eternity. Take an introspective song with such a focus, bump up the tempo a bit, and crank up the guitars This Train-style, and you've got this song, which Rich wrote most of, and on which his voice compliments Mark's quite nicely. It's a bit eerie to hear a man singing about eternity and not being afraid of the passage of time when we all know that he passed on not long after penning those words, and you'd almost expect this to work against the upbeat, happy mood, but for some strange reason, the synthesis of the two songwriters' styles works amazingly well. The only real problem is that this sweet little tune passes by so quickly that you don't realize it's meant to be over when the unresolved line "And when I disappear into that moment..." leaves you hanging.

I Saw the Light
I was a fool to wander and stray
Straight is the gate, and narrow is the way...
With a similar "messy" tempo to what was used in "Mimes of the Old West", this zany cover of the classic Hank Williams spiritual comes crashing in. Despite the rocking attitude and a wigged-out guitar solo right in the middle, this song somehow manages to maintain its jubilant, churchy feel, even kicking the mood up partway through with a well-timed key change. It's great that these boys can take something relatively old and make it seem new again with a little spit and polish.

Seafoam Green
Here comes pointless surfing song number two! This one actually reminds me of the surf instrumentals that the Supertones featured on a few of their albums, minus the horns (something This Train utilized later on when they decided to attempt full-on swing music). This song wastes no time finding the nearest wave and standing tall and proud on its proverbial surfboard as Jordan whips out an adventurous guitar solo and guest player Chris Mosher throws in a neat little farfisa organ fanfare. The track is only about 2 minutes in length, but man, it's a sweet two minutes!

I Don't Want to Know
You walk barefoot in the snow
I used to walk ten miles to school
I've got problems of my own
So don't worry about me, I won't worry about you...
A definite change of mood happens here, as This Train takes on a slower tempo without losing their usual noisy approach. The guitars crunch out a mean, minor key riff, before backing off for the cool but dark verses, which are anchored by Mark's upright bass. The song has a sarcastic sneer to it, as Mark addresses a poor and needy person and basically tells him to get lost because the guy's presence is depressing him and he's got his own problems to stress about. The song is really an exercise in humility - while Mark never backs away from his spite in the song's lyrics, you can tell that he has a sense of remorse about treating the "least of these" that way, because he knows Christ would do otherwise. It's a convicting song for me, because I tend to approach homeless people (or rather, not approach them) in much the same way, treating them like they'll just vanish if I ignore them.

Sandee
Another silly interlude - this time it's a snippet of a lounge tune that the band was working on late at night in the studio when they got some CB interference from a guy trying to contact his wife, and decided to record it. The change in mood is a bit abrupt, and it's probably more amusing if you were there, but it's a cute little track nonetheless.

The Wailing Wall
They know they're headed for a third world war
They know they're outnumbered, but diplomacy's a bore...
This one's an exercise in creating a swing tune without any horns, substituting rubbery bass and another fuzzed-out guitar solo for the lack of extra instruments. The stuttering beat actually gives me the mental image of a train chugging along while a posse of bandits rides up alongside it - something tells me this band could have made great instrumentals for modern western movies if they wanted to. The lyrics in this song are actually discussing a monument in Jerusalem and using the war and strife in that part of the world as some sort of a metaphor for repentance, but I don't quite follow where they're going with this one. Oh well, the fun part here is keeping up with the beat as it stops and starts again at the end of the chorus.

I've Got Half a Mind
One of these days I'll stand up proud and tall
But for now, it's letters never sent and calls that don't go through
'Cause I never do...
Another straight-up rock song kicks in here, keeping a similar pace to "We're Getting Nowhere (Fast)", but this time using the old cliché about having half a mind to tell someone off as a clever way of confronting Mark's fear of doing exactly that. You see, there's this equation that we Christians seem to never get both sides of - speak the truth in love. Either we're too eager to tell the truth and we do it in a very unloving way (like your average street-corner Bible thumpers), or we have the love but are afraid to communicate the truth that we believe (which is pretty much most Christians in a society that communicates that it's wrong to ever indicate that anyone other than yourself could be wrong in any situation). Mark uses a lot of great metaphors revolving around the words "half" and "double" to basically say that he's a chicken when it comes to confrontation, and he lets people walk all over him as a result, even though he knows this doesn't help either person in the long run.

Goodbye
The mansion on the hill, it may be ready for me now
But don't give me the keys until it's time
Well, You know me, I'd probably just lose them anyhow
Could You just let me in when I arrive?
This slower tune allows the guitars to back off a bit and gently brushed drums to take the lead as Mark gives us a more pensive lyrics about what it's like to await the return of Jesus Christ. While the song is subtle, he's actually got a lot of amusing lines here - only a guy like this could crack jokes when imagining the everlasting joy of Heaven that involve losing the keys, singing "It Had to Be You" upon seeing the face of God, and even making a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! It's an effective mix of humor and poetry that likely would have made ol' Rich proud. Definitely a good note to end the album on.

The Great Atomic Power
When the mushroom of destruction falls in all its fury great
God will surely save his children from that awful, awful fate...
I actually didn't know for a few years that this album had a hidden track, since cassette versions of albums don't tend to include them. Anyway, tucked away at track 51 is this swingy little ditty about the apocalypse and whether you'll be spiritually prepared for it. I'm sure it's meant in jest, but I don't know, I have a difficult time finding humor in this sort of thing when Christians have written entirely similar songs intending to be serious in the past. This one's probably meant to be so over-the-top that it's ridiculous, but I can't really get into it. Probably the only skippable moment on the album, though since there are a bunch of blank tracks in between 13 and 51, and a few more that inexplicably extend the disc to 62 tracks, it makes it a real pain to play on random.

Bonus track aside, I've really enjoyed having this album in my collection, and I was thrilled to find a clearance copy of the CD last year for even less than I bought the tape for. (Imagine that!) It's something I can put on when I'm feeling wacky, but don't want to kill off too many brain cells. I'd highly recommend it to fans of any of the goofy but witty bands I mentioned above, and heck, since I have this cassette I'm not using any more, I'd be willing to send it free of charge to the first person who Emails me saying that they're interested. Because I'm just a nice guy like that.

Hope you've enjoyed my trilogy of Train-themed reviews. Now back to... uh, whatever else I was attempting to do.

ALBUM WORTH:
Hangar 84 $1.50
We're Getting Nowhere (Fast) $2
The Missing Link $.50
Who's Stopping You $1
Mimes of the Old West $2
A Million Years $2
I Saw the Light $1
Seafoam Green $1.50
I Don't Want to Know $2
Sandee $0
The Wailing Wall $1.50
I've Got Half a Mind $1.50
Goodbye $1.50
The Great Atomic Power $0
TOTAL: $17

CONCLUSION: Worth its full price, but you can probably dig up a cheap used copy if you're interested.

Band Members (circa 1998):
Mark Robertson: Vocals, upright bass
Jordan Richter: Guitars
Cobra Joe: Drums

At present, I can't find an official website for these guys. I believe the band has broken up.

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