Self-Esteem is Taught By The Parent
May 02 '01
The Bottom Line Teaching our children Self-Esteem is an essential part of parenting. Without it, our children won't have the courage to take risks.
Why is Self Esteem an important aspect of parenting? Because self-esteem is necessary when one is faced with the challenges of life. Our job, as parents is to protect our children and to raise them to be capable of surviving and thriving in the society in which they live in (so says Active Parenting Today). If we over protect our kids, they will never have the confidence to face life challenges. Yet, it is our job to protect our children. So, self-esteem is what we need to instill in our children so that they will be independent.
I began raising my eldest daughter (10) the same way my mother raised me. All who know us, always commented on how much she was like me as a child. That is changing. Jordan is a completely different person than she used to be. She isn’t afraid to go places by herself. She doesn’t worry about her appearance. She accepts responsibility for her own actions. When Jordan feels like she is being treated unfairly, she has the courage to stand up and fight, regardless of what I think. I don’t worry about her as much as I used to. She is already off to a better start than I was. I have no doubt that Jordan will make the right choices when the important ones are presented. How did I turn it around?
Encouragement. Plain and simple. When a person becomes discouraged, they react. They quit taking reasonable risks, and they are more likely to misbehave. How can we understand what causes this discouragement? Think of it this way:
You take your family of 4 to the beach. As the family piles out of the car, you begin to pull of your shoes and clothes while running down the beach. Your spouse and 5 year old follow suit. Half way down the beach, you realize that the 7 year old isn’t with you. You stop, prancing in your steps (sand is hot), yelling “Joe! What are you waiting for?” Joe answers, “The sand is hot and will hurt my feet, and I forgot my sandals.” How would you react? “Just run, you big chicken…the faster you get to the water, the cooler your feet will feel. Come ONNN!” How should you react? “It is hot, but if you run, you will get to the water without burning your feet. Come on (start running toward Joe), I’ll race ya!”
The first parental reaction discourages Joe because your tone was demeaning, you called him a name and made him feel like he was wrong, and you ridiculed him. Not only is Joe not going to have the courage to face the hot sand, but he is probably going to misbehave as a way of pointing out the unfairness of the situation. After all, he should be having fun in the water, but now you have made him More afraid.
The second response may not get Joe to come running down the beach, but he will see that you are being honest. He will also see that if you are willing to stand there, prancing in the sand, with a smile on your face, it must not be too bad. Sometimes we have to choose between two not so great choices, but we have to find the better of the two. With courage, we can do that.
The best way to insure that you are being an encouraging teacher for your children is to always think before you open your mouth. (And make it a positive thought!) Remember that your child will always react to the way you respond to an event. If you express negative thoughts and emit low self-esteem, your child will feel afraid and discouraged.
There are so many things that we do and say, as human beings, to our children. So many of those things make very important impacts on their self-esteem, and we never know any better. To avoid discouraging habits, we must first see that we are committing them.
~ Negative Expectations: When you know that the 6 year old child will spill the juice, and pour it for them, it says that you don’t believe in their ability to do it for themselves. Encouraging them and gently coaching them to achieve the goal on their own will show them that you believe they CAN do anything they put their mind to. If they spill, show them how to clean it up!
~ Focusing on Mistakes: It seems like my 8 year old is always in trouble. That is because he is. It isn’t his fault though. “How many times do I have to tell you…” “I’m so tired of this, over and over…” These are just a couple of examples of how we start out making this blunder. Poor child feels like he can’t do anything right! With more positive supervision, conversation, and clear guidelines, Anthony is feeling much more capable of late. Guidance goes a long way.
~ Perfectionism: Be careful not to set the expectations to high. When the goal begins to seem unattainable, the child will eventually give up. If a child gives up, they are likely to try being the worst to make their mark.
~ Overprotection: Not allowing your children any room for mistakes is how you overprotect. We all learn by making mistakes, if we aren’t allowed to make mistakes, we won’t feel courageous enough to make choices in the future.
So, here are a few ways to help you on the road to enriching your child’s self-esteem.
1. Show Confidence! How? Give your children age appropriate responsibilities. Ask for your child’s opinion on matters that pertain to them. Avoid the urge to jump in when they may be able to handle a situation on their own.
2. Build up their Strengths. Give lots of praise for all that your children do well. This encourages them to search out further avenues of praise! Encourage your children to move onto a higher level when they have achieved the last level to their satisfaction. When Joe brings home a less than desirable report card, ask him what “we” can do to improve it. Work on improving, not perfecting.
3. Value your child for all he is worth, and then some. It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, it’s how much fun we had playing the game! Mistakes are meant to teach, don’t place blame, correct it and learn from it. All people are created equally, be we are each unique. Let your children share their thoughts and opinions, too!
4. Encourage Independence. Make each child responsible for their own problems. This includes getting up in time for school at age 7, picking up after themselves, doing their homework, etc. Developing age appropriate chore charts for each child is a great way to encourage independence. (Allowance works much better than cash on demand.) Don’t forget to help Joe develop a sense of interdependence. All anyone really wants is to belong. Family meetings are a good way to work as a team on family issues and goals.
Be aware that, as parents, it is our responsibility to make sure our children are sufficiently prepared to face the real world. If our children lack self-esteem, we WILL suffer the consequences…(grandbabies too soon, jailbird children, children and their families moving in with us 10 years after they moved out…for good, etc.)
My source of education and information on Self-Esteem was my Active Parenting Today Parent’s Guide. I recently completed an Active Parenting workshop, and gained the knowledge and ideas above. I also am not attempting to sell you to a workshop. I am merely trying to help others learn from what I've learned. Active Parenting works for us!
For more information on Active Parenting Today (Developed by Dr. Michael Popkin), go to
www.activeparenting.com.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
makelli3
|
|
Member: Kelli
Location: East Central Illinois
Reviews written: 141
Trusted by: 105 members
About Me:
I am a Mom and Wife and trying to be good at it.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.