How Purchasing a Bed from Seaman's Furniture Has Become My Tale of WoeMay 3, 2001 Write an essay on this topic.
The Bottom Line My patience ended weeks ago, so what is it that is at an end now?
Seaman's is a mid-sized furniture chain with outlets scattered from Connecticut to Ohio. The company is not criminal or even criminally incompetent, but it has exhausted my patience.
Once upon a time, Mrs. Sloucho decided that she was sick and tired of sleeping on a queen-sized waterbed. The decree went out to the four corners of Slouchodom that we would seek a new bed, something king-sized with a conventional mattress. I pointed out that since beds can last 30 years or so, and since we both like to indulge ourselves in the delusion that we get eight hours of sleep on something approaching a regular basis, we could conceivably be spending ten years of our life on whichever bed we purchased.
I said all of this to frighten her because I didn't want to go shopping for a new bed, but Mrs. Sloucho was determined. Our search started back in December at Ikea (a tale chronicled elsewhere), and led us to Seaman's Furniture by early February. I liked Seaman's at first because it was there that our tedious search for a bed came to an end. We found a bed we very much liked for what struck us as an extremely reasonable price. And here I will segue clumsily into a format that will help to illustrate why I am less than delighted by my interaction with Seaman's.
February 2nd-ordered bed. Was told by salesperson that for 'extra reinforcement,' it would be advisable for me to buy a cross-bar support. Decided that extra reinforcement might come in handy under highly desirable circumstances. Paid extra $50 for said support. Bed to be delivered the 7th.
February 5th-received call from Seaman's Warehouse. Bed no longer to be delivered on 7th, as the cross-bar support is currently out of stock. Delivery rescheduled for February 17th.
February 16th-received call from Seaman's Warehouse to alert me to the fact that the Seaman's truck will be by tomorrow between 11 and 3.
February 17th-truck arrived at 5:30 p.m. Instead of being the tiniest bit annoyed, I am relieved to know that the driver actually showed up on the right day. Men lifting bed have trouble getting headboard around the corner at the top of the stairs. Remove headboard from packaging. Scar headboard and hallway mercilessly by taking a rather cavalier attitude about getting it around aforementioned corner. Assemble bed in bedroom. Man in charge says that the cross-bar support cannot possibly be ours, since the bed we ordered does not require (and cannot accommodate) said support. Call placed to warehouse. Complaint about cross-bar support met with sincere apology. Truck to be sent out February 25th to pick up unnecessary cross-bar. Unfortunately, not possible to return cross-bar directly to store from which bed was purchased. Complaint about damage done to headboard met with impatient pseudo-apology. New headboard to be sent out by second truck on March 5th. Unfortunately not possible to return cross-bar to truck delivering new headboard. Explanation? "Separate paperwork."
February 24th-call from warehouse to confirm that pick-up of cross-bar will occur tomorrow between 1 and 5.
February 25th-truck arrived 9:05 this morning. Receipt given for return of cross-bar. $50 to be deducted from balance owed Seaman's "soon."
March 4th-call from warehouse to confirm that truck with new headboard will arrive between 11 and 3 tomorrow.
March 5th-truck arrives at 2:55 to the acclaim of thousands of deeply gratified spectators. Lifters have no difficulty whatsoever getting headboard around tight corner at top of stairway. Take headboard into bedroom and remove from packaging. Lean against footboard of bed, which is obviously much longer. Headboard appears to Mr. Sloucho to be not quite right. Mr. Sloucho sighs and expects lifters to take headboard downstairs. Looks on in astonishment as they take bed apart and try to make queen-sized headboard fit king-sized bed. Begins to suspect that they know something he doesn't know, as they act as if nothing at all out of the ordinary is transpiring. Ultimately, they give up, suspicious, at long last, that the headboard they are working with is "defective." Mr. Sloucho inclined to agree. Call placed to warehouse. Another headboard (king-sized this time) to be sent out on March 23rd. Apologies for delay, but explanation that the headboard sent to the Sloucho residence was the very last king-sized headboard they had in stock. Sigh.
March 23rd-call from warehouse explaining that new shipment of headboards is yet to arrive. Caller neither apologetic nor sympathetic, merely terse and angry that he knows the number of the Sloucho residence by heart. Apparently, we are troublemakers. ETA of next shipment May 2nd. Will call back. Grumble.
May 2nd-call from warehouse. Delivery of headboard scheduled for May 11th. Rookie caller asks whether it will be inconvenient for Mr. Sloucho to have someone at home between 11 and 3. Mr. Sloucho decides to spare poor fool reading from script and determines to write review in lieu of saying the nasty things that want to tumble out of his mouth.
May 3rd-Mr. Sloucho searches epinions database for place to put review of major furniture chain or advice on shopping for beds. Settles on mattress glossary because he doesn't even know what that can possibly mean. Decides that corporate incompetence is everywhere. Shrugs.
I'm guessing that the category 'mattress glossary' is the place to dump any mattress-related advice we have to offer that we can't place anywhere else. That guess seems warranted to me if only because all the information of the only mattress glossary I can imagine could fit entirely on one of those little "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tags whose purpose no one understands. However, for the sake of legitimizing the appearance of this contribution, here's my attempt at a glossary:
A is for aardvarks, which are widely considered a benefit rather than a feature by mattress-sellers. They are not worth the increase in price, in my opinion.
L is for Liquid Nails, which should never be poured on your spouse's side of the mattress unless you're interested in having a really good laugh.
S is for stay away from Seaman's Furniture if you're in a hurry to have your bed set up.
Z is not, as you might expect, for the zzzzzz sound cartoon people make when sleeping on their comfortable cartoon mattresses. It is for the sound of the fly that gets stuck in the puddle of Liquid Nails that you spread for your spouse. Not so funny now that you're trying to sleep, is it?
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