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A Horrifying ExperienceMay 10 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Every person is different in grieving and coping so I really can't offer any advice. Just hope that reading this will help a little?! This will be LONG...and GRAPHIC....So BEWARE! My husband and I already have 3 great boys and had had 3 healthy pregnancies when we decided to give it one more shot and try to have that girl we have always dreamt of having... We had been trying since November 2000 and finally got the wonderful news that we were expecting in March 2001! YEAH!!!! We were due on November 5, 2001! We were just thrilled and the boys were ecstactic! Two of them wanting another brother and one just wanting to hold and kiss the 'new' baby :) It was a wonderful time in our family. I had been having a few pains, nothing too serious but when I think back on it I should have realized that something wasn't quite right. When I went in for my 3rd dr's appt, in April, the dr still couldn't hear the heartbeat. Granted I was only 10 1/2 wks along but they should have heard something I thought. Easter weekend followed my visit to the doctor. On that Saturday night we went to pick our children up at my parents house and I went to the bathroom and found out I was bleeding, not a little but A LOT! I totally freaked along with my husband, we immmediately called the ER and the doctor told me to just lay down and be on complete bedrest and hope that the bleeding lessened. So that's what I did. On Sunday morning it was worse :( So, late that afternoon (Easter Sunday) I called the ER AGAIN, and was told the same thing, "just lay down and hopefully the bleeding will slow down, and then you can call your regular doctor in the morning" UGH.... Early Monday morning I called my doctor and was told to get their as soon as we could. So, my husband and I took off to the doctor (16 miles away) and after a look at my 'insides' he said "the cervix is closed" so he didn't think anything was the matter but sent us to get an ultrasound. While getting the U/S the technician hooked up the phone lines to send the 'shots' directly to the radiologist..wich if we were coherent we would have known that something was the matter. When the technician was done he told us to sit in the waiting room and he would come back and tell us what we were supposed to do. A shot time later he came and got us for yet somemore U/S pictures and measurements. After all of this we were told to go back to the doctor's office where we were to get the most horrifying and awful news, that we had lost our baby :( During the U/S the technician NEVER saw any sign of a pregnancy which meant that it had already passed through me and the doctor said my cerivix was closed so he thought that it had passed too. So that was it...you lost your baby it's gone now, go home and greive and VOILA all the pain would be gone...Well it wasn't that easy...We called a few close friends and family members to tell them and Doug and I just sat at home by ourselves crying and holding each other, just wondering WHY would this happen to us? WHY would God take away something that we wanted so terribly much? Did I do something wrong? Was it something I did before I found out I was pregnant? All sorts of questions and no one to answer them for us :( I took a week off work to try and deal with what had just happened and Doug went back to work after spending some time at home with me. The kids were constantly asking questions as to Why did the baby have to die? We've had to much 'death' in our family already and this isn't fair! It was just horrible! On Friday, April 20th, I woke up not feeling so great and laid on the couch until around 11 AM...all the while I was having some 'cramping' and not really knowing what it was I thought it was just a tummy ache. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and a 'huge' clot fell on the floor. This was no ordinary clot, it was about the size of a liver and about the same thickness and there was not just one there were MANY MANY more...I really thought I was bleeding to death! I finally got up off the toilet and walked to the phone leaving a trail of blood along the way. I'm really not sure how I made the calls to the doctor, my husband and my parents but I did. The doctor wanted me to come in immediately. I knew I wouldn't be able to drive myself, I was hysterical, bawling and in so much pain that I knew it wasn't even an option for me to get myself 16 miles down the road. So, I called my husband he immediately headed home, and then I called my parents and they came over...all this time I was sitting on the toilet and blood was just everywhere and the pain I was having was just getting worse and worse, so I knew whatever was happening to my body was NOT good. We made it to the doctors office and the took us into a room . The doctor took one look inside and couldn't see my cervix at all, there were too many clots inside of me to see anything. So she started to take the clots out and then she pulled the placenta and the sack out :( All the while I was bawling because of all the pain, which I soon found out was my body going thru actual labor. The clots that built up was from the tiny opening in my cervix and the placenta and sack didn't have room to get thru so just kept clotting and cloting and if I wouldn't have gotten in there who knows what would have happened! My hands were literally blue after all of this was done, so I knew that I had lost a large amount of blood but not sure just how much it was. They gave me a shot of Rosefun (sp) to kill some of the pain from the contractions and to put me to sleep....The shot didn't help though :( Then that night, after we got home, my husbands brother calls to tell us the wonderful news....while I was losing the rest of my 'baby' they had another baby :( I was totally beside myself. I lied and told them I was the babysitter and would give "Doug and Karie" the message for them and just sat and cried somemore. I have been back to the doctor every week now since this has happened. When the took the placenta and sack out they sent it all in, because on the U/S it didn't show up and when the doctor looked at me he couldn't see anything so they wanted to know why the sack looked so good and wasn't shriveled up. I got the news last week that they found a tumor in what they took out. So, more horrible news for us. So they took some blood to check my hormone level and will do that every 3 months for a year and then they sent me to get yet another U/S on Monday to see where my infection is located. Yes I have infection now....just more wonderful news for us :( I go back to the doctor today and hope that maybe just maybe there might be some better news for us... We have come to terms with some of what has happened, just not all of it. We realize now that God has his own ways of working...and even though this was NOT one of the experiences we thought we would go thru, we realize that God must have seen something the matter w/ our baby angel, something that would have made 'it's' life not so much fun. Every single day is a day of healing for us, the pain will NEVER go away for us, it might lighten up a little bit but will NEVER go away :( We now have a baby angel up in heaven looking over us and one of these days we'll be able to meet him or her and be a complete family :) As for my new nephew...well things will never be the same between us and it's not his fault at all, it's just that it will be a constant reminder of what we lost and this horrible ordeal we have went thru...I'm sure that one of these days I will learn to love and be able to be around him....but as for now....well let's just say it's too hard to even think about :( As a family, we are a lot closer now then we ever were :) This type of ordeal makes you stronger person inside and out and even though you don't believe you could deal with anything like this....well you have no choice in the matter. This is in God's hands and you HAVE to try and find and way to deal with the pain and horrible thoughts. This type of experience really makes you thankful for what you have already :)  |
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