SEX ON THE BEACH in the BAHAMAS, and I don't mean the drink

May 15, 2001

The Bottom Line YOU GO NOW! I highly advocate all legal and illegal means of obtaining money to go to The Bahamas

When visiting the Bahamas, you DO want to go off to an Island with hardly anyone on it. Being that the Bahamas have something like 800 islands, you either need a boat to get to most of them, or you have to pay someone to take you to one. I don't have a boat, but I have my Discover Card (that's one percent back! WOO HOO!)

A trip out to one of the uninhabited islands in the Bahamas is a necessity if you have traveled out there. I was made aware of this before leaving, and now, couldn't agree more. Nassau and Paradise Island are all well and good, but you really don't get a chance to see just how awesome this place is until you've gotten away from all the other people.

Getting out to Exuma must be done through a powerboat tour. If you're staying at ClubMed, then you're very lucky, as they stop at ClubMed to pick up people there first. If you aren't staying there, no big deal, you can book a trip from where they dock.

When, if you get a chance to get on a powerboat, DO NOT, I must warn you, DO NOT EVER sit in the very back of the boat. If you do something as foolish as that, and see the raincoats lying around, grab one quickly, as the other pansies in the front of the boat don't want to get a few droplets of water on them, you'd think they would melt like the wicked witch of the West if ocean spray got on them. However, if you ride in the back, you will be fine while riding through the harbor at low speed. But once you hit open water, you will be as dry as you'd be if you strapped yourself to the hood of a car and drove into an automatic car wash, and broke down inside the car wash. Additionally, the water will begin to hurt as it sprays somewhere around 50 mph into your eyes, you will begin to swallow a larger amount of saltwater than you'd like to, and you will be soaked and cold from the breeze as the boat moves across the water for when you get to the location over an hour and a half later. It will get to the point where you will no longer turn your head to spit saltwater over the boat, but rather you will spit straight forward, down onto yourself, and think, "mmmmmm that's some warm spit!" When I could open my eyes against the spray of the ocean (which took the mirrored finish off my brothers' Oakley sunglasses which I swiped for the trip) and I saw land, I knew what it must have been like for Christopher Columbus and his crew. LAND HO! An island had never looked so good lying about 15 miles away. Sure, it would probably be 20 more minutes till we got there, but I knew, my ordeal was almost over.

Upon arriving on Exuma, you're greeted with a few wooden structures, and a warning, don't swim on this side of the island. Why? Sharks! I thought, AHHHH! How and why would sharks stay on one side of the island and not the other? OK, I'll let the French Canadian tourists go in the water first. If they get bit, I won't go in, eh.

After going to the other side of the Island, I was greeted by an absolutely pristine beach. I think I was so impressed I actually took a picture of the water. Amazing, white sandy beach, crystal clear water, and as you walk into the water, the depth increases quickly, no walking for 100 feet before you're in a decent depth.

The quick history of this island is almost as amazing as its' beauty. Purchased, along with about 40 others in the chain for the super low price of 180 pounds in the 1930s from the British Empire. This PROVES you get dumber through a Monarchy and inbreeding. No one in their right mind would ever sell these islands for 180 pounds. These islands were purchased by an American who liked to fish, and world record fish were being pulled out of the area around the islands. His little house is still on the very top of the island overlooking it, however it is all boarded up now. You can't purchase the island. No one can. They are all now held in trust by all his heirs, and the clauses require every one of them to agree before anything is done with any of the islands. The family has grown large, and apparently they can never agree on anything. So the islands along with Exuma will stay gorgeous and undeveloped possibly forever.

Taking the adventure out to Exuma, you have two choices, stay on the island with your mate, and have sex on a deserted tropical island (good choice!), or you can leave it shortly after arriving to go snorkeling off the reef. I chose to be adventurous and wait till we got back to the room and was thinking the whole time, "am I really this stupid? There are SHARKS just over at that island!" Being one who grew up traumatized by the film JAWS, I was a bit apprehensive, but wasn't going home without snorkeling. Snorkeling is the coolest. You see all the colorful fish hanging out having a good time and not paying any attention to you at all, they just go on about their business until you drift off and look up and find yourself staring into a school of barracuda. At which point you turn around and go back and look for the nice wittle fishys.

After snorkeling around for a bit, you'll have to get back on the boat, so you can go to a sandbar out in the middle of the reef. So cool! Walking along the sandbar you can find many pieces of coral, some shells, and if you're extremely lucky, a sand dollar.

Returning to Exuma, you can eat lunch, and throw all your leftovers at the sharks while hanging out on the safety of the pier. The birds annoyed me because they stole a bunch of food that was meant for the sharks, so I tore up a bun and threw it in the opposite direction. That got rid of the stupid sea birds, but not as quickly as I could have gotten rid of them with a shotgun.
Sharks eat most anything. We noticed that they disliked Cantaloupe and Melons, and didn't like Bananas either. But since I had some Bananas and was mad they weren't eating them, I decided if I beaned a shark with the Banana it would get mad and eat the attacking object.
Sharks eat Bananas.

After feeding sharks, you'll be able to feed sting rays. They are incredible creatures. You just walk out into the water, hold them out some fish, and after they bump into you a bunch of times, they'll find the food in your hands, and eat it right out of your hands. They don't bite, and are incredibly soft.

Eventually you'll have to leave your island paradise, now remember, GET IN THE FRONT OF THE BOAT. Generally no one rides back in the same seats as they rode to the island on. And if it comes to it, you can remind them that seats are not reserved. So it pays to leave the island and drink on the boat about a half hour before boarding time.

Before you go back, you will stop on another island and feed the Iguanas. The Iguanas are not nearly as cool or as friendly as the Sting Rays. But they know the sound of the boat, and they know it means time for some free grapes, so watching these ancient creatures come scampering down the rocks onto the beach is really an awesome site to behold.

The island of Exuma, and many in the adjoining chain are so pretty and untouched, you have to wonder, is this what it looked like in prehistoric times? These islands are in mostly the same condition they were in when Christopher Columbus "discovered" them and called them America, they are amazing, and one should spare no expense to get down there and see them before you die.

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