Chewbacca is NOT an alien! May 16 '01    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Movies Under the Tuscan Sun From $9 Casablanca From $1 The Bottom Line Friend or Foe? Let's analyze this based on the intent of our freaky, creepy and generally quite slimy visitors. As far as alien movies are concerned, there are basically two sub-headings: Sweetie Nice-nice and Disgustingly Homicidal. Star Wars would not classify as an alien movie simply because there aren't any aliens in the Star Wars movies! Chewbacca's not an ALIEN! He belongs right there, as do all those other freakish weirdos like Greedo, Jar Jar, Ree-Yees and Mark Hamill. Notice how none of the SW characters ever look around and go "Hey, look at THAT freak!"? That's because those 'aliens' are indigenous to the entire Star Wars universe. So I told you all that so I could tell you this: An alien movie is one in which Earth (or its people) is visited by something from out there. My logic is simply this: If we go to their planet...well then who's the "alien" then? Anyway, since I laugh in the face of convention I now offer two separate lists, each consisting of twelve sci-fi movies. In italics, you'll see my Top 12 Sweetie Nice-nice aliens, while in the ever-so-scary bold style you'll see my Disgustingly Homicidal picks. Nothing's ever easy with me. Strap in. Night of the Creeps - [Fred Dekker, 1986] - This one is a horror fan's wet dream. It's a bizarre and delirious concoction of 50's horror flicks, modern-day slasher pics and also Cherry Pixy Stix. (Sorry, it just rhymed so well.) How can you not love a movie in which every single character is named after a famous horror director? Sly, slimy and self-mocking, Night of the Creeps is a seriously fun time. Go rent it. Alien Features: They're these little leechy-sluggy things who skittle across the floor and slide down your throat, thereby (logically) turning you into a homicidal zombie. Earth Girls are Easy - [Julien Temple, 1989] - Jeff Goldblum, Damon Wayans and Jim Carrey are a trio of technicolored aliens who crash land in Geena Davis's swimming pool. Featuring a bunch of clever songs by Julie Brown and a fun performance by (the always-reliable, even in junk) Michael McKean, this one is a cult-classic hoot! Alien Features: Fuzzy, silly, horny. Independence Day - [Roland Emmerich, 1996] - While I've always contended that this movie is pretty damn weak, there are quite a few cool alien encounters, especially towards the exciting (yet mind-numbingly stupid) finalé. Jeff Goldblum does his "smart, stuttering guy" routine, Bill Pullman plays President Wonder Bread, Randy Quaid is drunk as usual and Judd Hirsch does the worst Jewish accent this side of Lainie Kazan. BUT...Data from Star Trek meets a gruesome demise and there's no way I'd trash a movie which features that. Alien Features: White, violent, shiny, and have a silly affinity for using Macintosh computers. Meatballs Part 2 - [Ken Wiederhorn, 1984] - Originally titled Space Kid, this one is a delightfully retarded movie featuring the likes of Richard Mulligan, John Larroquette and a joyously flatulent alien named Meathead. Meathead is a freaky-looking Jewish alien kid who has a few adventures at a summer camp. Warning: John Larrqouette (Dan Fielding from Night Court) appears in drag! Alien Features: Meathead looks like a deformed Gumby, he farts a lot, and his Dad sounds exactly like Jackie Mason. Starship Troopers - [Paul Verhoeven, 1997] - OK, I kind of break my own cardinal rule with this pick, as much of the action in this movie takes place outside of Earth, but hey. It's my list. And there's no way I'd make up an alien movie list and omit this one. The effects are phenomenal, the tone is dark yet goofy, and the subtext is the stuff of message board debates the world over. Unfortunately, the star (Casper Van Dien) has the screen presence of a coconut, but Denise Richards and her two-ton lips fill the void. Recommended highly for fans of brutally graphic and intense violence...basically any American. Alien Features: Ooh, there's these really cool giant grasshopper ones...and these giant worm like thingies that shoot deadly plasma spores...and the dreaded brain bug Aaaaah! It's all so slimy!! Alien Nation - [Graham Baker, 1988] - Very cool combo of alien invasion and buddy-cop pic. James Caan plays the human cop paired up with alien detective Mandy Patinkin, both of whom set off to thwart an evil alien conspiracy involving super-addictive space-drugs! This one has a clever premise, cool twists and a mega-slimy finalé! Alien Features: Smooth purplish heads, superhuman strength, becomes drunk after drinking rotten milk. Xtro - [Harry Bromley Davenport, 1983] - Released half a year after the art-house sleeper that was E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, this movie featured the tagline "Some E.T.'s aren't friendly". This one tells the tale of a young man who is kidnapped by aliens, only to be reborn on Earth years later...literally. If you thought the constraints of modern filmmaking prohibited a scene in which a pregnant woman gives birth to a fully grown man...think again. One of the more legendary splatter movies of the early eighties, Xtro is one blood-soaked, sick and disturbing movie. I adored it. Alien Features: Big fried-egg eyes, big nasty pointy teeth, slimy to the point of maximum sliminess. All around icky. Enemy Mine - [Wolfgang Peterson, 1985] - A sci-fi retelling of the old war pic Hell in the Pacific, this movie is a mixed bag indeed. While it earns my respect for having some solid performances and awesome set design, it kinda loses a few points for sheer, outright silliness. Dennis Quaid is the human, Lou Gossett is the alien. They're mortal enemies...and they're stranded together on a deserted planet. The good stuff outweighs the bad, plus it's a movie I loved as a teen so it makes the list. Just try not to giggle during Lou Gossett's C-section scene! Alien Features: Quite lizardy and expels a severe amount of random spittle when he speaks. Loyal, strong, rugged, brave and manly...until he goes into labor, that is. It! The Terror from Beyond Space - [Edward L. Cahn, 1958] - I haven't seen this one in about 15 years, but if I remember it this well, surely it belongs on the list...and don't call me Shirley. "It!" has long been known as one of the major inspirations for Ridley Scott's Alien and though it's a pretty dated and quaint old sci-fi yarn, it's still a creepy one. The story covers a Mars mission that acquires an unwelcome stowaway. If you love the Alien pics, this one definitely deserves your attention. Alien Features: Scaly, tall, visible zipper. Cocoon - [Ron Howard, 1985] - This feel-good sci-fi drama still stands up well today despite the presence of Steve Guttenberg. A group of good-natured aliens provide the Fountain of Youth for a group of elderly folks. Full of delightful performances and a few cool surprises, this movie is as entertaining as its sequel is repulsive. Plus it's always fun to watch old people acting like children. I don't know why, but it is. Alien Features: Sometimes sexy (Tahnee Welch), sometimes tubby (Brian Dennehy), but all bright and glowy when the skins come off. Very similar to what Mr. Burns looks like after his radiation treatments. ("He's bringin' love! Break his legs!") Predator - [John McTiernan, 1987] - This one is a close encounter of the sweaty, dreadlocked, homicidal alien maniac kind. Arnie runs through the jungle while all his macho comrades get picked off by an invisible alien one by one. What Predator lacks in brains...it makes up for in brains. Bottom line: Lotsa carnage. Alien Features: Bizarre dental attributes, interstellar Bob Marley dreads, pale, tall, muscular, mean and (of course) slimy. Starman - [John Carpenter, 1984] - An alien movie for the romantic set, Starman is a sweet little movie indeed. Jeff Bridges and Karen Allen star as an alien and a woman, respectively. When a visitor from space assumes the guise of a recently deceased guy, his girlfriend thinks he's returned from the grave. Alas, it's just some cosmic nut using her sweetie's corpse as a suit. That doesn't stop them from making out eventually though. Charles Martin Smith is a lot of fun as the "scientist in hot pursuit". Alien Features: Think of Jeff Bridges. Now subtract 17 years. War of the Worlds - [Byron Haskin, 1953] - Orson Welles' infamous radio play is brought to life in this classic sci-fi tale. With its colorful alien attackers, fascinating scenes of destruction and the wonderfully simple finalé, War of the Worlds is the great-granddaddy of cool alien movies. Alien Features: Take your average traffic light. Squoosh it sideways. Add a long antenna. Now run! The Day the Earth Stood Still - [Robert Wise, 1951] - The most straightforward and effective of the cautionary sci-fi tales, this movie does what all classic science fiction should do: It makes you think. With a clever and ironic script and a fantastic performance by Michael Rennie, this is one of the most beloved science fiction tales of all time. PLUS it's got a really cool robot! Alien Features: 50 feet tall. Silver. Only speaks Gort. Invasion of the Body Snatchers - [Don Siegel, 1956 & Philip Kaufman, 1978] - The original was a scathing indictment of the Red Scare, while the remake had Leonard Nimoy. You honestly can't go wrong with either one. Both films tell the harrowing tale of alien "pods" that begin to replicate all of humanity. Both films are full of fantastic performances, deep dark chills and more layers than a basket of onions. Creepy sci-fi for the semi-literate. Alien Features: They look just like me and you - only naked, covered in cobwebs and (once again) all slimy. The Brother from Another Planet - [John Sayles, 1984] - A simply fantastic little film by a filmmaker beloved by movie freaks everywhere. This one tells the story of an alien who lands on Earth and appears to everyone as a typical black man in New York City. Full of smart dialogue and insightful commentary, this movie succeeds wildly despite an obviously meager budget. Alien Features: Black male, late 20s. Mute. Aliens - [James Cameron, 1986] - Once again, I sort of break my own rule, since in this movie the humans go to the aliens already are, but no amount of nitpicking could leave this white-knuckle hardcore classic off of my list. I could mention Hicks, Hudson, Vazquez and Bishop. Or the numerous volcanic action sequences. Or the ultimate demise of the sleazy corporate creep Burke. But anyone reading a list like this has already seen Aliens a half dozen times. I love it as much as you all do. Alien Features: Oh man. These guys were culled from the primeval nightmares of primitive man: Ridiculously large and bony. Razor sharp tail. Dual mouth action. Gigantic claws. Copious amounts of icky drool. Massive rows of razor sharp teeth. Will impregnate you through your mouth given half a chance. Oh, and did I mention the very effective blood/acid thing? Close Encounters of the Third Kind - [Steven Spielberg, 1977] - Spielberg's hypnotic tale of alien visitation, abduction and obsession. Massively entertaining and funny, with a healthy dose of real life touches and cool surprises about the nature of our neighbors from above. Better writers than I have expounded upon the numerous virtues of this film, so I think I'll just go back to drooling over the upcoming DVD edition! Alien Features: Our society's classic "alien" prototype: Humanoid but skinny and short, all green and glowy with dark (yet somehow kind) eyes. No apparent slime anywhere. The Thing - [John Carpenter, 1982] - A movie that was unknowingly decimated at the box office by a decidedly kinder, gentler alien, John Carpenter's The Thing is nothing short of a cinematic masterpiece. With equal doses of paranoia, action, shocks, jolts, blood, gore and outright dread, this movie will delight fright fans of any age. Underneath it all is a terrifying game of who's really human and topping it all off is simply masterful pacing by the director and perfect performances by the entire cast. Not for the squeamish or the faint of heart... but I have yet to meet the person who doesn't love this movie. Alien Features: Can adapt to look like anyone. But in between that...things tend to get a bit messy. Sometimes it's a dog and sometimes it's giant skittering spider. Most often is just a bloody, tooth-filled mass of puckered writhing flesh...with the accent on extra slime. The Abyss - [James Cameron, 1989] - This one simply has it all: Evil villains, courageous heroes, likeable sidekicks and supporting characters, mysterious and secretive alien visitors, a very cool and original setting, a stellar cast and a director at the top of his game. This one tells the story of a wondrous discovery at the deepest part of the ocean. Touching, exciting and awesome. It was (of course) a disappointment at the box office. Given the choice, I'd go with the director's cut available on the DVD. Unlike the theatrical cut, the ending of this version makes sense! Alien Features: Kinda like the Close Encounters aliens. Only with wings...and underwater. Alien - [Ridley Scott, 1979] - Probably my most beloved film. I've always felt that this movie was the best cinematic depiction of a real nightmare. A cold steel box with no escape. A hidden creature hunting you. The fact that simply everything else works is what makes it such a classic. It's smart and scary. It's brilliantly paced and even enjoyably slow at some points. Nearly a perfect movie and my pick for the all-time best Nasty Alien Movie. Alien Features: Further evidence of how ungodly cool this movie is: Every time you see the alien, it looks completely different. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial - [Steven Spielberg, 1982] - What, you expected something different? There's a reason that nearly everyone loves this movie to some extent: It's freakin' great. Yeah, I know we're all supposed to get more cynical as we get older, but if I ever get too old to enjoy E.T., just put me out of my misery. Yeah, the little guy has been commercialized to death and he's almost a cliché at this point, but the movie itself is a textbook classic. Sweet, exciting, touching and supremely satisfying. Alien Features: Long retractable neck, big doey eyes, digs candy and beer. Has a crush on Drew Barrymore. Going back over my list, I noticed that I seemed to get a little more serious toward the final choices. Perhaps that's because movies of this stature and quality deserve a certain amount of respect and maturity when discussing them. Or it could just be that my cough syrup is wearing off. Either way, those are my alien lists. Don't say I never rambled endlessly for you.

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