A B.O.O.F.* Looks at anti-aging products: Roxie speaks her mind...
May 19 '01
The Bottom Line Read the annual reports very carefully and consider the p/e ratio before making your purchase.
A couple of nights ago my sometime friend Roxie paid me a visit. Now this may not seem all that unusual to some, but to those of you who know who Roxie actually is, I suspect the mental picture of the two of us having dinner together in a somewhat less than mediocre Japanese restaurant in near-southwest Houston might be cause for a giggle or two. I further suspect the waitress was somewhat taken aback...
You see, Roxie is my feminine side. This none-too-gracefully aging "figmentation of my imagement" has never been one to mince words, and -- as usual when I let her talk -- she had something to say. And this time, she wanted to pass on "her advice" about wrinkle creams and anti-aging products. Here now are the notes from our conversation (those that I could decipher through the soy sauce stains):
scmrak: Roxie, it's nice of you to drop by. Here, have another gyoza.
Roxie: Don't tell me it's "nice" until you've heard what I have to say, boychik. And you can keep your gyoza; the darned things taste like they're made with Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage instead of minced pork.
s: You're right, they do... good thing we're not here for a restaurant review, hmmm?
R: I give it one star. I know you'd give it two, 'cause you think your little Vietnamese waitress is so cute. And I also know the main reason you think she's cute is 'cause she's young, with a nice round butt and a smoooooooth little face. Look at yourself in the mirror over there, dude, you've got a bald spot older than her!
s: Errr, yeah... but what's your point?
R: My point's pretty simple. You're like every-damn-body else in this culture: you're obsessed with youth. My gender {scmrak's note -- I appear to have choked on an udon noodle at this juncture} have had the equation Beauty = Youth pounded into our brains for more years than I'd care to count. Personally, I'm tired of it!
s: Strong words, Roxie.
R: Hmmmphhh! You ain't heard nothin' yet!
We get this constant bombardment of images of "beauty" in every advertisement: young, supple-limbed peaches-and-cream-skinned models, most of whom are genetic freaks with eating disorders who've had their molars extracted to look thinner on-camera! Over the years it's been models like Carole, Cheryl, Cindy, Vendela, Paulina, Kate... The more waifish, the better. And the movie stars! Cameron, Catherine, Sandy...
s: Ummm... I see. It is terrible, isn't it.
R: No, dumbo, you don't see. Every last "Cosmo" or "People" poll says the sexiest men in the world are men like Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Michael Douglas, Sean Connery, Patrick Stewart. You know what those men all have in common? Every darn one of 'em qualified for membership in AARP years back! I mean, you're younger than those five!
s: Yeah, but...
R: But this, bozo: name me one fifty-plus woman on those sexiest women lists. Name one!
s: How 'bout Tina Turner?
R: The exception that proves the rule, son, the exception that proves the rule. Nope -- with the possible exceptions of Tina and Racquel Welch, every last chickie on those lists is young enough to be your daughter. Mine, too, seeing as we're exactly the same age. And you know what? it ticks me off!
s: What ticks you off?
R: A man gets old, he becomes "mature," his gray hair is "distinguished." A woman gets old, she's a "crone," and advertisers start whispering sweet nothings in her ear: "Hate that gray? wash it away!" We get the jokes about wearing "Oil of Old Age" to bed at night; and even construction workers stop whistling at us on the street!
s: That ticks you off? No wolf whistles from construction workers?
R: Never mind the whistles. In some cultures, the aged are revered: white hair and wrinkles signify experience and wisdom. The young seek our counsel and -- wonder of wonders -- actually listen to our advice! But in this culture, the first sign of aging sends women into a frenzy of self-doubt. And it sends about half their husbands into some stupid midlife crisis complete with a red Miata and a 21-year-old personal trainer. You wanna know what else winds my crank? Tell me this: what are the outward signs of aging in the male of the species?
s: Well, they used to say it's the three Bs: Balding, Bifocals, and Bridges.
R: No bifocals; everyone's wearing contacts. No bridges, dentistry's a darnsight better in this generation. But baldness? it's supposedly SEXY! it's considered sooooo sexy that those muscle-bound studmuffins in their twenties shave their heads so thay can achieve the "look" of baldness if not the fact.
s: So?
R: So if it's so sexy to look old before your time, then why aren't their girlfriends getting crow's feet tattooed around the corners of their eyes, and laugh lines around their mouths? Riddle me that, huh?
s: Yeah, crow's feet... {getting back to the ostensible subject} So what do you do for anti-aging products? and wrinkle creams?
R: {sighs...} when you get to be my age, boy, there's only one solution. Gunite.
s: Gunite?
R: Gunite. The spray-on concrete stuff they use to line swimming pools. A single application and a little trowel work, and I've got a smooth complexion that'll last me for decades with only an occasional touchup. Oh, sure, it dries out my skin, but who's gonna know?
s: You're kidding? I hope?
R: Well, of course I'm kidding.
s: Well, then, what is your advice on these products?
R: You want to hear my advice on anti-aging products and wrinkle creams? I'll give you this tip: thay make one heck of a financial investment! But there's not a one of them that's gonna take a single wrinkle out of anything except the company stockholders' wallets.
You're gonna get old sooner or later, and the only thing you can do is plan your life so that it's later instead of sooner. You wanna reach my age still with that girlish skin? Here's what you do: stay out of the sun, get plenty of rest, eat right, exercise, and don't smoke.
s: Sounds like advice for aging gracefully on any front, Roxie. Here's the check. Any last words before we split?
R: Yeah. Sean, if you're reading this, drop scmrak a line -- he knows how to get in touch with me!
respectfully submitted, scmrak...
*BOOF: a Burnt Out Old Fart
This satire (you did notice it was satire, didn't you) is an entry in the Older Americans writeoff hosted by the inimitable ed_grover. Other BOOFs and BOOF-to-bes participating include:
AdaDavis, Angelabar, argonut, Aruzenchin, BeeCharmer, bleuchance, Bluehawq, Dave_Corbit, ed_grover, egab01, eplovejoy, fjbpab, frazzledspice, Free2Be, hadassahchana, jankp, jo.com, julliette, KateTPZ, kurt_messick, Lisa_J, LordBalfor, Macondo, MrsNormanMain, Nfp, Nobody_knows, Prepoia, pambo, phineaskc, prettyinpink, psychovant, scmrak, Stephen_Murray, Straight-up, tekki, wanbi_gleska, Wovengold
Won't you stop by and read their entries as well?
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