SHIRK! (An Epinions Advisor Parody)
Jun 01 '01
The Bottom Line Do you like my Party Hat?
I Do! I Like That Party Hat!
Now take it away.
Once upon a time, there was a wicked Queen who ruled her dot.com domain, her family and her dog. She was quite Beautiful on the outside, with flowing auburn hair and luscious Red Lips, but she could actually be somewhat of an Anal-Retentive on the inside. That's not always a bad thing, however.
Every morning the Queen awoke to her ritual: One boiled egg, one creme-filled cannoli, a healthy dose of Sarcasm, and her order of DeskJet 610 Refills for her Magic Printer.
On the other side of the town, there was a wicked, mean Ogler who ruled his side of the internet. He was Handsome, yet Perverted, and he had a wicked way with a WOT and a QuickCam. One day, he awoke to his breakfast, his laptop and cringed at his surroundings.
"This damn Condo is too small!" he cried.
"Not for you?" replied E-Mirror. "Why not try RUGRATS IN PARIS?
"Bloody Hell," screamed the Ogler, smashing his fist into the wall. E-Mirror yawned, undaunted, while the Ogler danced around the room in his underwear yelping in pain. Afterward, he pulled out his Binoculars and immediately began scanning his panoramic view for possible Ladies in Waiting skipping bare-breasted about the Poppies.
His lense came upon his faithful ASSistant, Dumbkey the Donkey, who was strolling as rapidly as his four hooves could carry him to work.
"DUMBKEY", yelled the Ogler. "What are ya blazing waitin' fer, ya dumb as*? MOVE IT!
Dumbkey skipped along faster and harder, anticipating the moment when his chores were done so he could hop online the Ogler's Laptop, sign on to Epinions, and write about his Frustrations, his Insights and his Appliances. He had 366 loyal subjects who trusted his every Bray. He had faith in a system that would carry him out of this land of Tyranny and into the Land of Fortune.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, the Evil Queen waddled over to her E-Mirror.
"E-Mirror, E-Mirror on the Wall, who's got the most Advisor Titles of all," she cooed in a way which sent the attic mice screeching for cover, tiny paws plastered over tiny ears.
E-Mirror merely looked back at the Queen without answering.
"I say- E-MIRROR E-MIRROR-..did you bloody hear me, or what?"
There was a pause in the air, much like the Calm before the onset of a Tsunami.
"E-Mirror regrets to inform her Queen that she has lost one of her Advisor hats," replied E-Mirror.
The Queen turned red, then shades of white and blue. She gasped, and held her perfectly manicured hand to her throat.
"Wha-whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" she cried. "But-But...why?
"Perhaps you have Shirked your duties, my Queen?" asked the E-Mirror.
"SHIRKED? SHIRKED? Do you call working on the Epinions site 40 hours a week SHIRKING you sorrowful excuse for an image reflecting, glass-prefabricated piece of Recycled garbage?" she screamed.
"I have received your report, and thank you for your participation at E-Mirror," replied E-Mirror. "Someone will get back to you shortly. In the meantime, why not check out The American Baby?"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Kingdom, The Ogler checked his email and signed on to Epinions. His binoculars dangled around his thick neck as he anxiously checked to see if anyone played with his WOT while he was sleeping.
The first thing he noticed was his Magic Hat was gone.
"I DEMAND AN ANSWER," he screamed at his E-Mirror.
"Perhaps you have Shirked your duties, my Lord?" said E-Mirror.
"WRONG ANSWER," screamed The Ogler.
"I'm a bit under-staffed at the moment," replied the E-Mirror. "Let me just finish this cup of Latte and-
"NOWWWWW!!!" the Ogler screamed again.
The E-Mirror performed a series of analytic queries and statistical reviews.
"E-Mirror regrets to inform The Mighty Green Ogler that he didn't write enough reviews this month"
"But I wrote 27 reviews in two months," yelled the Ogler.
"One moment," said the E-Mirror. The reflection blurred again as E-Mirror began setting a different Cold Fusion theory, applying the dynamics of Epinions Written Versus Ratings Versus Reads Versus Content Versus Order of Popularity.
"E-Mirror regrets to inform the Ogler that he didn't write enough High Rated Reviews."
"All of my reviews were rated Very Helpful," replied the Ogler, shaking his fist, nearly strangling himself with his Binocular chord. ALL OF THEM. DO YOU HEAR ME? Of course, there's the exception of my manic depressive subjects. One can never predict what side of the bloody bed they will wake up on!
E-Mirror remained silent for a moment.
"E-Mirror regrets to inform the Ogler that E-Mirror has absolutely no Freaking idea what Epinions bases their Epinions Advisors hats upon."
Hiding in a corner behind a curtain, Dumbkey was taking in the whole scenario carefully. He was trembling with excitement, and when the Ogler wandered off in search of a new Hat, he signed on with shaking hooves.
Congratulations! The May Advisor Selection using the new selection process is complete, and you have been chosen as an Advisor in Books, Kids & Family and Web Services.
It is clear from your active participation that you are as passionate as we are about providing the best content possible to consumers who visit Epinions.com, and we appreciate that. As an Advisor, you will have greater
influence on the community and you will be more prominently featured on the site.
If you are not already a Featured Reviewer and would like to become one, please take the time to ensure you have a current photo of yourself on your profile page and then check the box on your "Edit Public Profile" page."
DumbKey the Donkey began to dance around the bedroom Thrushes with joy!
"I DID IT, I DID IT, E-MIRROR," he cried. I WORKED so hard and now I HAVE MORE HATS than the OGLER AND QUEEN put together! And you know what...YOU KNOW WHAT? I'm gonna work harder than ever so I keep ALL of my MAGIC HATS FOREVER, because I know that they will NEVER take away Magic Hats from a hard-working DumbKey, right? RIGHT?
"But of course, Dumb Key," replied E-Mirror in a soothing way. "Now stay still so E-Mirror can take your photo for the Featured Review Page, dear. You may want to get that broccoli and swampweed out of your teeth-ah,there.......much better. Say Cheese, Dumbkey."
Dumbkey stood proud and tall, his floppy ears curled around his face in a perfectly-framed window, his prominent overbite gleaming as he balanced this Three Magic Hats upon his unbalanced head.
Dumbkey suddenly looked down at the Ogler's laptop and frowned with confusion.
"E-Mirror, I'm looking at this Horrible Ogler's stats, and The Mighty Queens, and..and.....well, I don't understand WHY their Advisor positions were taken away. They both wrote great Epinions, did a good amount of Reading and Rating, and they even added seventy-five people to their WOD!
It just doesn't seem to be right. Do you think they will ever take mine away?" he asked with trepidation, his voice shaking as he gnawed on a crusty hoof.
"YOU? YOU? NO way, kid," replied the E-Mirror in a mechanically oily drone. The wind began to howl and the attic mice cringed again at E-mirror's droning hum, scurrying quickly out of the sideboards, escaping into the fields. The Mighty Queen cried in her chambers on the Other Side of Town, and the Ogler paced his fields cursing with wonder.
"So-so you d-don't think they are gonna make an as* outta me?" cried Dumbkey.
"You just stick with us," whispered his Destiny, thrusting a long, vaporous, sinewy arm out of the glass, encircling the New Kid in Town.
"We're gonna make you a star."
*****************
CREDITS
Director: Angelabar
Producer: Angelabar
Script: Angelabar
Makeup: Angelabar
Best Boytoys: Mel Gibson, John Travolta
CASTING:
Evil Queen: Angelabar
Perverted Ogler: Mike Myers
Dumbkey the Dumbas*: Angelabar
E-Mirror: You figure it out
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Epinions.com ID:
AngelaBar
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 - Top 1000 |
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Location: NY
Reviews written: 158
Trusted by: 228 members
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