I'm brave enough to give this unit one crappy star!
Written: Nov 07 '04 (Updated Jul 18 '07)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Retro-ish, ugly, silly games, and no replay value.
Cons: Retro-ish, ugly, silly games, and no replay value.
The Bottom Line: If you really like 2600 crap and badly designed machinery, get it. Who's gonna stop you?
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| dogeymon's Full Review: Atari 2600 |
What is this thing? This thing that I see at flea markets, thrift stores, retro conventions, garage sales, frat parties, attics, trash bins, old-folks homes, ghettos, WEIRD STUFF, the internet, EBAY, and just about anywhere you can find useless old junk??? Why it's the Video Computer System. Alrighty. Let's dive into this thing.
Atari (the japanese word for "Go") is not just a stupid name. It's the name of a company that took advantage of a simple age where literally any computerized piece of technology that went "beep, boop, beep!" sold by the millions. The Video Computer System (or the Atari 2600) is one of Atari's very first computer systems that hit America in the very late 70's that was specifically designed to play games. Atari had its line of home computers "truly designed for the home". And boy I actually remember a time when Atari computers were actually commonly used in my school. But I'm talking about late 80's so it was only because we couldn't afford something better. They were definitely phasing out. But Atari 2600 is purely a system designed for playing games and nothing else.
Now in the arcades, Atari games were (and still are) classic and lots of fun to play as well as simply gaze at. There's no doubt about it. I'll always have a tremendous respect for Atari. Going to an arcade in its beginnings had to be a total trip and a half! Video games like Pong, Asteroids, Tempest, Warlords, and many others were king of the slots. People would swarm to arcades mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmuch more so than today. Afterall, back in the 70's, people didn't have this kinda stuff in their homes. It was like going to Disneyland for them. That's why I can somewhat appreciate the 2600. People associated the happiest memories with arcades. The loud electronic noise. The people shouting. The laughter. The excitement. The competition. It was so exciting to people because Atari brought along something that actually let people have a home arcade machine right in their living rooms bringing a new dimension to the television as we knew it. There were of course lots of kids back then that totally bought into this 2600 fad and swallowed it up hook, line, and sinker. But even more people with brains knew that this wasn't quite what they had hoped for. The arcade it was not.
To give you an idea of how the Atari performs as a game console, you have to imagine your old Nintendo Entertainment System, and then try to imagine something that only has about a third of the NES's colors, cannot produce pictures that represent anything realistic, sound that seems to only have 2 channels, music that sounds like an old-age cell phone, and graphics that honestly are not even powerful enough to create a diagonal line. Honestly, open up your Paint program on Windows, grab a pencil icon, quickly draw some kind of human being with it in 20 seconds or so and color it quickly with something. You have now re-created the best of Atari's graphics right on your computer all by yourself!
The 2600, though, was serious about making this thing with gaming in mind. The controller accessories are many and include: joystick controllers with one button (that are a quite awkward trying to use), dial (paddle) controllers for games like pong, warlords, or other games that seem fit for it, number-pads for math, learning, and concentration games, and beyond that, I'm just not sure what's out there. There's literally endless accessories for this that someone from my late 80's generation just can't sit and talk about forever.
Well, we can break down into 3 or 4 categories of this little piece of atari junk, but first I'd like to talk to newbies out there who are my age (24) if not younger who have a certain curiosity in getting ahold of one of these things and are wondering if there's any reason they should. I can't decide for you, but let me tell you what it was like for me.
It was like 1994 and going to my friend Jonathan's house all the time, his grandparent's would always have an Atari 2600 and even though this was 199 frickin' 4, they never let him have anything else. So we would play it sometimes. He got bored of it and never wanted to play it, but I always got a slight kick out of it. It looked so old and ancient (I'm a sucker for antiques!) and the games were just so simple and cute. Seriously, at that moment, I could have been considered the equivalent of a kid from the 70's seeing and playing one of these and wanting one for myself. I fell victim to the Atari charm. So when I saw one for sale at my elementary school flea market years later, I went ahead and paid the 10 bucks and just bought one. I lugged it home in a brown paper grocery bag with a ton of wires and controllers inside. Let me tell you right now, when you get an Atari 2600 get ready for the motherload of cords! The Atari Video Computer System does not support any A/V cables out of the box but instead comes with an R/F adapter and an incredibly long AC adapter cord. Both are cheap and easy to replace from any Radio Shack on the planet which is nice. Setup is irritating as freak because Atari's are starting to wear out in this day and age and finding one in really good shape is no easy task. Often any one of the 6 or so I've bought in my lifetime always have a shakey R/F connection inside and the picture doesn't come in clear too often. The R/F cord is plugged in on the inside of the console so freeing it up requires unscrewing the entire unit!
It'll be nice to have a large tub or bin to store all the controllers with all the freaking cords! One unbelievable joke is that the controller ports of the Video Computer System are on the back of the game console and especially annoying in addition to that is that virtually every joystick controller made for the 2600 is about a foot and a half long! You have to almost sit right near the console to keep from stressing the cord. Luckily, atari controllers are compatible with Sega Genesis controller extension cords. In fact, even a regular Genesis controller of any kind will usually work just fine as a joystick for the Atari (offering the opportunity to use a flat-pad, something never really devised for the Atari).
IS IT BUILT TO LAST?: Like I implied, heck NOOOO!!! The Atari 2600 was quite a piece of junk. I'm sorry! The R/F connection is brittle, sensitive, and seems to almost begin to malfunction on a steady schedule. Of course I'm only used to the pre-owned abused ones from garage sales and Goodwills. I don't think I've ever seen a genuinely brand new one. I'll bet it's not that different, though. Joysticks are one of the only controllers for it that remain pretty sturdy through the years, but the paddle controllers are what always start to go bad first. If you get ones that don't work, you'll actually have to open them up and clean the contacts inside with a pencil eraser and opening them up is like performing open-heart surgery. Seriously, it does take a little skill. You pull off the paddle dial and then unscrew the little nut that holds everything together. You unscrew the philips screws on the back. Inside the center of the dial, there's an oily plastic mechanism that's positioned carefully against a gold spoke which encircles the contact like a record needle and getting it back together without breaking it is like making a house of cards without knocking them over.
WHAT ARE THE GAMES LIKE?: Well, if you're a die-hard XBOX-er like me, I'll bet the retro excitement wears off like in a matter of minutes. Its games come on cartridges that look like Sega Genesis ones. The games themselves inside those things are tiny, the size of a dorrito chip. There's a nice little dust cover over the opening of the cartridge that protects the contacts inside and opens upon inserting it (one thing I appreciate). It's inserted in the top of the console and sticks out in an acute slant towards you and it just looks ugly as heck! The Atari 2600 has a library of almost 1000 games. I know. How is that possible? Easy. Its game creators had no imagination. About a decent 89% of the 2600's games are guranteed to bore you to an early grave. This is one of the leading factors which caused the great video game crash of the 80's. From games of no imagination, to games that are unplayable, to games that are freakishly stupid, and to games that should never have been made, almost every game for the Video Computer System will not even be good for a laugh.
A good chunk of these games are actually privately made by dedicated fans even to this day. New games are produced and trickle down here and there and they've made, through the last decade or so, about 10% of the Atari 2600 game library. But many of the worst games for Atari were there from the beginning.
Adventure is one such game for the VCS that is very unimaginative and mind-bogglingly boring. Given the fact the Atari has no real graphics to speak of, your "bold knight in armor" is literally a tiny yellow square that moves around the screen like a die. Your mission is to find the key to the enemies castle (which is placed at random in the confusing and hideous battleground) and to penetrate their fortress, steal their treasure and make it back to your castle. You'll even come across an arrow on the ground (which is actually a spear) and slay some flying duck that follows you like a magnet. A flash of lights and some computer bleeps signal victory when you make it back and that's the end of the game. Completed in 3 mins. This is WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!
All its other games are of such nature: hideous graphics, unplayability, boring premises, no storylines, and a few arcade hits here and there.
Actually, I'm not going to diss this system completely. I will mentioned its killer games, despite the fact this gets one, count'em, one star! Quite simply, it's actually just one killer game. It's called "KABOOM!". I can't believe how this can be so fun for some reason. I love playing it. It's a game that truly makes you look like some sort of super GOD if you can remain consistent and keep playing it! HEehee! It's a supremely simple game that only uses the paddle controller and is available for play with 1 or 2 players. You have a small three layered paddle at the bottom of the screen that you can quickly move from left to right with just a slight turn of the dial and the object is to just place the paddle under every bomb that the masked criminal bomber throws from the top of the screen. It starts out pretty slow so it's easy to get into. But things speed up with each level and after a while, you're moving at 80 MPH and trying to hold on to your sanity! I'm actually pretty freaking good at it and you should see my family's faces when I get to 1000 points. They're shouting, they're cheering, they're wondering how in the heck my eyes can move that fast. And the sounds the bombs make are so camp and retro it's just so fulfilling to listen to those explosions.
ARE THESE THINGS EXPENSIVE?: OH PLEASE! Some stores will pay YOU to take it! HAHAAH!! They must have made like 50 billion of these things. But finding a complete deal with all the controllers that you need is a little tricky and can often cost upwards of 30, mayble 40 bucks at the most. Don't ever pay more than 41. That's just asking too much! Unless you're getting some sort of brand new, just sealed, never opened, mint condition, cream-of-the-crop dealio.
IF I BUY ONE, AM I EVER GONNA WANNA PLAY IT?: Depends on you of course. I've been to the retro gaming convention in San Jose, CA and there seems to be a number of teens and fogeys alike that could actually sit and play some of the arcade hits of Atari for hours. But trust me, they are FEW and far between. And remember. I said "some". Most people pass by Atari, get sucked into its retro charm and sit there laughing at the pathetic graphics and sounds, thinking about homestarrunner.com's funny parodies of it, but after a few minutes, virtually everyone sighs heavily and tosses the controller, uttering those typical words: "Let's go do something else!" Seriously, I think you should.
WHY DID YOU BUY ONE THEN?: KABOOM! was a deciding factor. That game is amazingly fun. Easy to grasp, hard to master. Easy to impress people with your super fast steering skills. Feels good to play it. And no, I wouldn't end it there. It's quite a kick to play the crappy rushed job version of Pac-man for this thing, Missile Command was done quite well, and who can resist Ms. Pacman which REALLY looks good on this thing, considering its power.
I know exactly what you're thinking though. What's wrong with this guy? Why is he going after the little Atari? The original home arcade? The pioneer of home consoles?
Why attack something 30 years old from a simpler time? A time when it was appreciated and wasn't compared to anything else? Well I have the answer. But I don't think you want to hear it. Do you? Here it is: BECAUSE IT'S A PIECE OF JUNK! Seriously. What can I say? The joysticks are uncomfortable and difficult to use. The paddle controllers are prone to instant malfunction, the cords are too short. The ports are on the back. The system is ugly. The games are....themselves.
Plus, people don't really realize that the Atari only really did well once it didn't have competition. In 1977 when it was released, it was a major bombshell and sold horribly, as well as having the Fairchild to deal with in the market, and the market for games was crashing due to all the Pong clones in stores. The Atari 2600 only had it easy in the early 80's when finally there wasn't anymore competition for them to deal with. Even so, many were dissapointed with the arcade ports that disgraced the Atari which included Defender, and especially Pac-man.
I don't know. I guess I admit it does have a powerful retro charm, like I've already made clear. Don't crucify me unless you realize that I do have an appreciation. And who knows. I guess the incredibly bad graphics can be considered beneficial, seeing as how they force you to use your imagination, something kids could certainly afford to do nowadays. But honestly, even if you appreciate these games, why buy this old pathetic machine? There exist classic Atari collections on PC, Playstation, XBOX, and the like. And XBOX 360 today has many of the best atari classics, featured in much better representations, as well as Anniversary collections that present the originals faithfully. But I do understand that you just can't play paddle games ...without a paddle! But I think even XBOX 360 fixed that problem lately with that arcade controller they made, no?
I suppose that having the original console is what it's all about. Today if someone asked me if I thought Sega Master games looked better on PC emulations or on the original console, I'd say the original console (no matter what system we were talking about). But like I also said, the retro charm wears off fast, even when you get the original system in your house and all hooked up, and after you put the boring thing in the closet, the desire to once again go to all the trouble of hooking it up and playing its crapfully designed games takes months, maybe even years to recharge. However, it's still considered good to have one. After all. It's history. Show it to your kids. ;)
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
dogeymon
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Location: San Mateo, CA (USA)
Reviews written: 111
Trusted by: 10 members
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Choose your words with care, and I won't get riled!
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