yo, ho, ho...hum
Written: Dec 03 '04 (Updated Dec 04 '04)
|
Product Rating:
|
|
|
Pros: it's fun until the first crash
Cons: a rehash with little new but graphics; awwrr, lads, let's go ballroom dancing
The Bottom Line: Two hours of fun, unless it crashes first
|
|
|
| jkkelley's Full Review: Sid Meier's Pirates |
Preface: it has been pointed out to me, by those who have been writing reviews far longer and know far more about such things, that I have been unclear in this review, leaving the reader to wonder what I am talking about. I feel very guilty and sad. I've never failed Epinions so badly before!
I always listen carefully to the wisdom of my seniors and betters, so that I can become a better reviewer, so here you go:
1) _Pirates!_ is a Wintel-based first-person PC adventure game about piracy. I'll bet you didn't realize that!
2) The 'first person' is a grammatical concept that represents the speaker: me, myself, I. From my perspective, I am the first person. From yours, you are the first person.
3) A PC is a Personal Computer. In case you do not own a PC, it is an electronic device based upon circuit boards filled with semiconductor-based 'chips.'
4) Chips contain many transistors and are a lot more practical than vacuum tubes. Using chips, PCs can do much more than simply calculate the multiplication table.
5) Wintel is an abbreviation for Windows and Intel.
6) Windows generally refers to the many incarnations of Microsoft's desktop operating system, including the days long ago when they still had a monopoly but no one really minded as much.
7) Intel is a company that makes chips (q.v.)
8) A game is something designed by people to simulate real life or even fantasy. It is generally the only way in which modern humans will get to commit piracy on the high seas.
9) Piracy is the act of accosting and molesting vessels on the high seas. It isn't as popular today as it once was.
10) A vessel, in this context, means a wooden sailing ship like in _Master and Commander_.
11) An adventure is when you go around and do interesting things in some context. In this context, it means you're a pirate.
12) A pirate is someone who commits piracy. (Note: this game is not about software piracy.)
13) The high seas are the ocean, or in this case the Caribbean Sea.
14) The Caribbean Sea contains dope-smoking Rastafarians, rum, hurricanes and tourism. Only tourism and hurricanes are modeled in the game.
15) Rastafarians are a curious Afrocentric religious sect who talk funny and wear their hair in a way that looks like someone dumped black seaweed on their heads, but unlike the rest of this background, this is not really relevant.
16) Rum is an alcoholic beverage made from sugar cane or its by-products. This is marginally relevant because one may visit taverns in the game, where it can be assumed rum is served.
17) Tourism is when you travel to other places. For most people, it doesn't involve piracy, but in this game it generally does.
18) A hurricane is a weather system that generates high, destructive cyclonic winds. It can be very dangerous to PCs, pirates, tourists and wooden sailing ships. In the game, only the danger to pirates, tourists and wooden sailing ships is modeled.
Now that we all know what we are talking about:
I hate like hell to do this. I've been playing Sid's games since the original _Pirates!_, and I'm about to fire a broadside of roundshot into of one of his games. Never done that in my life, but it goes to show: every game company, no matter how great it is, will eventually produce the game that violates the body integrity of the canine.
I'm not sure whether I was more jazzed over the prospect of the new _Sid Meier's Pirates!_ or _GTA: San Andreas_, that's how good the original _Pirates!_ was in its time. Nearly everything since then in the genre has been a bowser. I love the age of piracy: the drunken sailor song, the cutlass, the jolly roger, and grapeshot on top of the round.
Avast. Looks like they need a liberal application of rum, sodomy and the lash at Firaxis.
Innovation: very little. This is _Pirates! Gold_ in a slashed doublet, and not always a very pretty one. That's all it is, mates: the old game with a few additions and new graphics. You do the same basic things you did back in 1997, or whenever the old game was still playable on PCs. The same four nationalities. The same map, for the most part. Mostly the same options in town. When recruiting, you still can't take just some of the volunteers: it's either all 49 of them, or none. When you split the plunder, you still lose all your old ships; can't tell if you get paid for them. And some of the new things you do are miserable bores, sad to say.
What is new from the old Pirates!? Items you can buy to help you. Multiple types of cargo to swipe. More ships. Adding properties to ships (bronze cannon, triple hammocks, chainshot, etc.). Goddamn ballroom dancing. Indian war canoes. A little more diplomatic complexity.
Atmosphere: one of the bright spots. I do enjoy the sound of sea chanteys as I haul my little fleet (most of which does nothing except haul crap around and get damaged in storms or on reefs) around to give chase, and the actual ship combat starts out fun as long as you're trading broadsides and maneuvering for the rake. However, you take ships just as you once did: a personal swordfight you can win by buttonmashing, no tactics needed. This is to ship combat what a premature ejaculation is to lovemaking. I like the nonlinear format, which is one of the good things carried over from the old game, so that's a plus.
Land combat: this has changed to a battleboard system that moves at the pace of a wounded snail that just woke up in the morning, badly hung over. It's a fun idea, but your ships won't beach easily--they'll try and turn several times before actually landing. Then you have to ram the shore over and over again, and you have to be far from the town. Maneuver is pitifully slow. The one time I did this it took something like an hour to resolve as each little band of pirates made its move.
Stability: awful. It crashes. It flakes out my Windows session until I have to reboot. The graphics begin to freak out in various ways. There are inexplicable slowdowns. When you have to reboot your computer immediately before playing a game, and then again when you finish, that's a sign of an unstable game. Why doesn't the wind gauge ever show a wind any direction but due west? Why does the game start to go flaky and even crash on a regular basis? Why doesn't that mystery guy ever want a bribe to give me information? Who was responsible for releasing this late beta to the public, and can we keel-haul the varlet?
Taking ships: a yawner. Sweep deck with a broadside or two of grapeshot (grapeshot is your pal). Collide. Mash keys until adversary endures one of three potential defeat animations, all of which end with him diving or falling into the drink. Boarding should be the most exciting moment in the game: side to side with the ugly black dots of enemy cannon run out, throwing grapples, bravely ascending the side of a massive East Indiaman from your little sloop, forging toward the fo'c'sle with cutlass and flintlock pistol. Instead, it's a bore. You get to the point where you try very hard to wipe out the whole enemy crew with grapeshot so they'll strike their colours without the swordfight.
Ship variety: this, at least, they did right. Not that it matters a whole lot to you: only your flagship gets to fight. However, there are galleons of various types, East Indiamen, brigantines, frigates, fluyts, and so on. It's a nice variety, and they all handle a bit differently. I like the items you can refit your ship with, and hunting around for a place that will sell them to you without their shore batteries opening fire on you. But when you get close to a town, why must the map zoom in so you can no longer see potential prizes out to sea?
Dancing: the way to score with governor's daughters is through dancing, sort of like the infamous 'Life's a Beach' mission that everyone hates in San Andreas. Try as you might, it's very difficult to anticipate the right moves. While I don't have much rhythm in real life, I didn't have any trouble at all with 'Life's a Beach.' I have yet to get anything from a governor's daughter but a disgusted dismissal. Sid, listen to me: people bought this game to loot, take, burn, pillage and plunder. They did not buy it to go ballroom dancing. What's next--_Sid Meier's American Bandstand_? Sid, Sid, gods, man, what were you thinking?
Sound: not bad, I guess. I like the weird whistling sound chainshot makes. Other than that, I didn't find it compelling.
Documentation: a bright spot, as usual with Sid. A real manual, a map, and a Pirateopedia with its share of good information.
Oh, and you don't have multiple install options, and you have to have the CD in, and the CD key code is in the manual. I wouldn't lose it if I were you, except that after about two hours of gameplay you may not really care. If you never played the original, you'll be surprised at the lack of depth compared to most of today's better games. If you did play the original, keep doing so, and save your money.
Firaxis phoned this one in, a cheap gussy-up of an old game without rethinking enough tired concepts. If it doesn't get some hellacious patching, and soon, I won't care. Kiss the gunner's daughter, Sid.
Recommended:
No
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
jkkelley
|
 - Top 1000 |
|
Location: Ana-Tolia
Reviews written: 79
Trusted by: 308 members
About Me:
Farewell, Mr. Grover.
|
|
|
- Add to My Yahoo!: 
- Add to Google Homepage: 
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.