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I Don't Know how NOT to be a Step Mom!Jun 09 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Step Families are not different than biological families if the situation is handled with TLC.
This opinion is going to be very odd to some and maybe downright disgusting to others. Nonetheless it is my life so far. I was married the first time at 18 to a 39 yo man who had five, yes count that FIVE children. The oldest was 15 at the time, and here I was 18? To beat all I managed to get pregnant on my wedding night...ole fertile Myrtle as my Granny used to say. So, at 19 I had six children full time. Heck I had no idea how to be a mother let alone a step mom. There were several conflicts over this. The girls felt I was too young and had allot a disgust at the situation, but maintained a bit of respect. Until that dreaded day they spat out "You can't tell me what to do you are not my MOTHER!" My own childish instinct was to say "No, your mother is in rehab go ask her." However, I thought this out long and hard. I sat them all down since dad was there but not there (too busy out drinking). We had a Momma Bert meeting. I told them straight up " I am not your mother, and I am not trying to replace her at all. I am here to help you make the right choices in life. I am your father's wife, and as such since you are living under my roof you will follow my rules." Period end of story. I will listen, and we became closer after that. Although that marriage ended nearly 13 years ago we are all still in contact. I am a grandmother five times over already. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The mistakes I made were many, trail and error. My goodness I was still a child myself. I learned along with the kids to be more tolerant, and compassionate. After all their father was an alcoholic, the mother was a drug addict and they were used to doing as they pleased. Along I came with my rigid rules. Being brought up a military brat learning all things had their place and children were to act more adult like and be respectful saying yes sir and no sir. These children had no stability. Later I found out I was Step Mom number four. I think that speaks for itself. I did however stick it out until the youngest moved out and married. Then I took my children and left to raise them by myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I remarried several years ago, and gained two more step children whom I could not be closer too. This was a very different relationship than the first. I really believe it is the age of the kids when you enter a relationship. Some say it doesn't make much a difference when you are tolerant. I beg to differ. Children reach an age when all ideals are set, and they have created their persona, impressionable teen years etc. I met with my second husband during the children being young, before puberty as was mine. It has worked out much better, but letting the child know I am not there to take their mother's place, but to be a guidance when they need me. I would never turn my back on any child. What I do not allow to happen. Regardless I do not want to hear my ex call their mom a b**ch. That eerks me more than you could imagine. Those thoughts are not to be expressed in front of children of any age. In my world negativity breeds negativity. The other parent should never be put down. Instead their parenting techniques should be discussed between both parents as not to undermine the parent with custody. Though I am divorced, their step dad is their "Daddy." No one could say otherwise or there will be a fight. Same with my step kids I am not Mom, I am not Mother, I am Mama or Mommy. We are together daily, and dad is also there. Are we screwed up? I often ask myself that. We have tried to maintain the "family" the best we can as not to confuse them. We are now attending all functions as a family unit. Our children call each other brother and sister and would fight to the death for each other. There is a loyalty that most do not understand, nor attempt to comprehend. Another article that I find wonderful in this section is http://www.epinions.com/kifm-review-93B-7B76C09-39DAA899-prod1/tk_~CB0011.1.10. Daddy and mama here will argue to no end with people who say "You are not the real parent." I do not understand this mentality. The biological father is never there, but Dad has been there through the tears, laughter, surgeries, and sickness. Daddy has raised them to be the good people they are now. The "father" is a non existent part of their lives except for the sperm contribution. I told my step son how sorry I was that this all did not work out like he wanted and this was his reply. I asked him if I could share it and he said yes. " 2 tell the truth when ya got 2gether and when i saw you and started talking to u you opened my eyes and showed me the truth about life and for that i will always luv you ,and remember you as the best thing that happened to me and how you changed my life." You never know how much you affect a child unless you are willing to ask questions. Never give up, never with hold love and always be compassionate. I sound harsh I know, but it is the truth. Regardless if I am divorced right now. I am still close to the ex and he is very much a part of the kid's lives. The graduations process, the first love heartaches, the man with the white hanky to wipe even my tears.  |
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