if i had known, would i have known?
Jun 10 '01
The Bottom Line definitely worth the challenge, but, ~whew~ some days it really is...
raising teenagers was the happiest, saddest, most trying, most rewarding, most frustrating, most exhilarating experience I could imagine. And I raised three of them! I sensed that raising a daughter thru the teen years would be more difficult than raising sons, partly because daughters have a competition-thing kind of going with mom - and I admit it - I'm sexist - there really are things that my sons could get away with, that my daughter was not allowed to do - and she knew it...
there may be daily strains on a relationship with a teenager - they are after all, testing the limits and learning what it means to be "independent" - and you as the parent must protect them on the one hand, yet allow them to move forward on the other - that's walking a rather fine line, I'd say...
for example - - and of course, this was partly based on my own experience - when I was 15, I went 200 miles from home one summer, to live with a family as a "nanny" - unfortunately, I had a very frightening bad experience with the "man of the house" - requiring my own father to come and get me -
that event, and the fear that went with it, stayed in my memory - so when my daughter turned 14, and wanted to do the same thing - only 350 miles away this time, I would not allow it.... - I told her that she could ask over and over again if she needed to reinforce it, but the decision was made...she was not going...
she cried, and screamed at me, then ran into her room, slamming the door before throwing herself on her bed crying....
I entered the room, and quietly sat on the edge of the bed...til she looked up at me thru her tears, and said it wasn't fair - that I didn't even care about making her happy - and that NOTHING would happen to HER....
I knew how hurt she was.....and said to her - that for one thing, if something DID happen, I could not get to her fast enough - it would take me 5 hours, at least - and I would probably not survive that trip......
and that, No - nothing WOULD happen to her, because she was NOT going....
I knew that when she was older, it would be something we might discuss again...but for now................
and it was not my job to make her happy....it was my job to keep her safe.....
I could live with her anger - but I could not live with something happening to her....
This is just one example of one event in the life and times of a teenage daughter - not the most important, or even the biggest event of our lives, but one that shows what I am trying to say....that as a parent of a teenager, you have to choose your battles. Teenagers do have to WIN sometimes - they will stretch the limits every chance they get -
That does not mean they are disrespectful or hateful - it means they are healthy, and testing the water of their own independence...I found that if I could give in on the issues that did not affect the "big picture" - it was easier to hold my ground on the issues that did...
another example.....we were going to visit my mother, who lived about 200 miles away, to celebrate her 60th birthday. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, and everyone was almost ready to go, when my son came downstairs wearing bluejean cutoffs and a sweatshirt.
My husband got angry at him, and said that he was not going anywhere dressed like that - that it disrespected his grandmother, and that he had to go back upstairs and change....then he came in and told me to go and talk to "my son"
I told him that I would talk to him, but that I would not take my husband's side in this - the important part of this was that our son was not only willing to go and spend the day with his grandmother, he actually was looking forward to it - and my mother could care less what he might be wearing - - this was a battle that my son would be allowed to win...
It is not always possible to keep your cool when dealing with teenagers that may be angry or even nasty in their striving for independence. And teenagers do not have to see perfect parents - they already know by the time they are teenagers that we are far from perfect!
Sometimes it is important to step back, and remember that there really is a "big picture" - maybe asking yourself:
"what effect will the outcome of this have on my life or my child's life in five years?" or....
"will we even remember this event a month from now?"
the answers to those questions might help parents keep things in perspective, and remember that a goal of parents really is to raise independent self-sufficient adults, who can function well in society. Maybe it means looking the other way, when they want to wear some strange outfit, and maybe it means an agreement must be made - "you can wear these ragged torn jeans any day but Sunday" (or whatever)
and then smile and remember that it really is nice that they are at least wearing these rags in your house, sitting in your living room, eating your food, rather than wandering the streets invisible from your sight.
Life with teenagers may not be easy, but it is a challenge worth every bit of energy and love that you have. This phase will pass, just as the "terrible twos" passed....remember? And soon enough, almost sooner than you can believe, they will be adults - taking on the world themselves....
They WILL become independent, with or without our help - it is just nice if we can impact their lives just a little while longer, until they claim their proper place -
hang in there.....keep plugging away, and don't give up on them - some day they won't be your teenagers anymore - just maybe, they'll be your best friends.
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Epinions.com ID:
pansy4agirl
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Location: warm and sunny Arizona
Reviews written: 30
Trusted by: 11 members
About Me:
Life is an adventure....not a guided tour
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