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Memories from a 41 year old momJun 15 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line More than anything, teenagers need time from us...it is one of the most important things we must give to them as they are raised.
My son is almost 9 years old. The other day he asked his 6 year old sister if she were going to college. She, in her innocence, asked "What is college?" I laughed, and he then proceeded to tell her that he was going to college. That he wanted to work with animals, and to get a good job, had to go...to college. The conversation ended there, but being a parent, privy to a conversation amongst her children, I, of course, thought deeply about this very short conversation. First I thought.."Man, I hope your dad and I have enough money to send you!" I then thought, "Boy, I hope you get good grades!." My thoughts then got a bit more intense..."Wow..you have a lot of years to go before you get to the age where you can actually go to college, and I hope they are good ones." I thought about the fact that in a little over 3 years, he would be a teenager. And, of course, I, a woman of many thoughts, started thinking of my own teenage years, and would I do these same things that my parents did with my kids, that my parents did to me. I thought, "Well, I turned out OK!" But the years were rough. Being a teenager is rough. But I always felt that I was missing something. My parents were (and are!), hard working people; middle-upper class; very loving and had wonderful values that I have always had and am passing on to my own kids today. But something was missing. Time It is the underlying theme of many of my reviews. My mom always worked full time, as did my dad. But they also did many things outside of work. My mom was involved with the Woman's Movement, volunteered for many local organizations and spent a lot of time with her friends. My dad was involved with the local "Knights," the local church, and his many friends. I do not remember them being all that involved with their three kids. I remember always being treated nicely and taught "right from wrong." I do not remember them sitting with us and talking (note: I have a brother 1 1/2 years younger than I and a sister 7 years younger). I do not remember them asking me very many questions. I do not remember them assisting me in my interests. They loved to travel, so we went on trips. They loved politics, so we went on marches and stood with them during demonstrations. They loved being with their friends, so we went to their houses and spend much time with their friends' kids. I remember talking with my siblings; and the one thing they missed from my folks was...Time. So I turn a teenager. I have become a "woman." I did the "right thing." I did not take drugs, I got great grades in school, I had a few close friends. But I did not have much fun. I was not given the support and interest from my, very well meaning parents, to seek out what I wanted to do. I look back at those years, and more than anything, I wanted to do theatre. My parents told me I had to get a job, and I did. I was in the chorus of 1 play, 1 year. No time for anything else. I worked summers full time in order to put money away for college, because I wanted to live away, and was told they would pay the tuition but not living expenses. I am not saying that I should not have worked; but I truly feel that I should have been allowed to have a better balance between work and play in order to have enjoyed those difficult years more. I wish that I could have worked part time; I wish my parents had encouraged me to be in the play. I wish my mom, who was not working outside of the home at the time, had driven me to work in the summer instead of making me walk in the heat and then work an 8 hour day at a local business doing the filing. I appreciate that I have learned good work ethics. I only wish there had been a better balance between work and play; and that when I was a teenager that I was given the encouragement to talk with my folks more; and that I had more fun. When I moved out, at age 17 to go to Simmons College, I immediately started dating a newly divorced man, with a son, who introduced me to "the fast life." It was to become my social way of life for the next 8 years-getting involved in 'unhealthy relationships.' I always managed to do well in school, but when I got out, had 4 years of hell in an abusive relationship. It was not until I met my husband at age 27 that I got out of the cycle of being attracted to "life in the fast lane." I do not blame my parents for it all. I am an adult and I made bad choices. But I do believe that if there was a better line of communication; if I were given more "healthy choices;" if my parents had shown more of an interest and given me more time, in those very difficult years, then I would have known more of what was available in my life. That had I been given more encouragement to seek out what I wanted to do and had the support of 2 people I adored, that my earlier years would have been much better and a lot happier. Time. Teenagers need time. They need to be given the opportunity to communicate. They need to know that you, as the parent, are there for them without conditions...even if they are totally "misbehaving." Simply because they love you. Teenagers are not always an easy group of people. I know I wasn't. But who is? If given the love and support that all of us need, I truly believe that teenagers will make good choices and lead good lives. There MUST ALWAYS be an open line of communication, love and support. We must always find time to be there for them. As my kids get older, and yes, more independent; I work even harder to give them even more time. The older kids get, the MORE they need from you, the parent. Not to dress and feed them, but to love and support them. Time- the hardest thing to give; the most important thing to give. Take if from one who knows.  |
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