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Student Loans For Fun and Profit(Funniest Epinions/Comedy Write-Off)Jul 01 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line If all else fails you could always beg on the street for change. Education is a valuable role for your success. Education primarily consists of many years of studying to answer many inane questions that employers would never ask you. Employer: Your application is quite astounding and I am sure you will make an excellent nuclear physicist. I have one more question to ask you. When did they sign the Geneva Accords? Applicant One: Well, to be perfectly honest, I am not sure when- Employer: You should have paid attention in your Western Civ. Class. Next! Enter Applicant Two. Employer studies the resume for Applicant Two. Employer: Your resume is not really what we look for in a nuclear physicist. It says here you majored in philosophy. Well either way I have a question for you. When did they sign the Geneva Accords? Applicant Two: What exactly do you mean by ‘they.’ Do you reference ‘they’ in a proverbial sense or ‘they’ in a more common phrase like a pronoun with an antecedent? If you are referring to the latter, then you obviously forgot the antecedent. This will render me unable to answer the question since I do not know who ‘they’ are. The act of ‘signing’ can also take several different forms. You can ‘sign’ as in to write your signature or ‘sign’ as in to post on a billboard- Employer: Enough! I have a government job that may perk your interest. This is also why philosophy majors have all the good jobs. Now, more to the point, although higher education will have a great impact on your career choice, paying for it will sometimes leave you with debt later on in life. This debt is created through a student loan. How will you pay for the student loan once you are out on your career path? The lottery is one good way. Before you can seriously consider winning the lottery as an effective means to pay off your debt, you must consider many factors. One such factor to contemplate is the odds of winning the lottery in contrast to odds of the government catching you attempting to avoid your student loans while you struggle to win the Big One. I have broken down those odds for you as follows: 1. A random six numbers matching your random six numbers – One to some odd million 2. A government bureaucracy competent enough to catch every person to slip through the cracks – One to some odd billion 3. Actually choosing the correct power ball number – One to some odd million 4. Discovering a loop hole in the student loan system and having a high paid lawyer sleazy enough to defend you – One to some odd thousand (This is based on that once you find the lawyer or the loop hole the other will come naturally) 5. Purchasing a two dollar ticket and winning money – One to some odd million 6. Purchasing a money order to make a payment on your student loan and winning money – No chance what so ever Now that you see the chances are in your favor you can go out and buy all the lottery tickets you need until you have enough money to repay your debt. I will be sure to visit you while you are in federal prison. Another method of repaying those student loans is to hire the aide of a loan shark. You can find a loan shark in the back room of a sleazy bar in any low budget movie involving gambling. Requesting a loan from a loan shark is simple. All you do is simply walk to the back and tell the loan shark that you need some money for business. You must assure him that the business will provide profit for both you and the loan shark. Then the loan shark will slap all the money you can ever ask for on the table. The best part about a loan shark is that you do not need to leave your house or car for collateral. The only collateral a loan shark ever needs is your leg. The loan shark will leave it attached for a sufficient time to ensure the safe return of his money. Now that you have the money to pay off those bills lets look at some of the drawbacks. If you did not pay back your student loan you would be forced to into a life of indentured servitude for the federal government. While if you did not pay back the loan shark, you would have your head held under water in a fish tank until the hired muscle has sufficiently scared you half to death. You may always have a stroke of luck and a suckerfish might attach itself to your nose during your 'conversation' with the boss. The hired muscle will be laughing to hard to scare you half to death. Now that you know the possibilities of what may happen, you will have to ask yourself a very important question. Do I want to have the scorn of a loan shark or the scorn of millions of people when I am forced to work in the DMV to pay off my loans? Your third option when it comes to student loans is to move to a foreign country that scoffs at American pig dog laws. That way you can make enough money through copyright infringement to buy your way back into the United States. Imagine all the software titles you can sell as your own work. Soon you can have a foreign-based empire sizable to Bill Gates. The only difference is that you will actually have your own small army to go with it. Eventually you may even be able to hostilely force your way back in to the United States and declare yourself as supreme dictator of the world just so long as British spies do not hear word of your plan. British spies are always the thorn in the side of every would be dictator threatening the Americans (It seems to make sense to me). The only problem with the plan is that you might run into a few difficulties along the way. One pit fall of moving to a foreign country to sell illegal software is the possibility that there is only one person in the country who actually owns a computer. If you do run into a this situation, that person will not be very receptive to your effort to sell him illegal software because you will be a threat to his monopoly in the illegal software market. The other possible hindrance to the plan is that the economy of the country may collapse as soon as you arrive and you will be forced to live in indentured servitude to the local mob. Take the example of this recently graduated college student named Louis. Week One: Louis: That will be fifty, mam, for a copy of MicroLouis Words, Power Pictures, and Excelarator. Lady: Why are the CD's gold? I thought they would be silver. Louis: You drive a hard bargain, mam. How about twenty? Lady: I'll take it. Lady exists from the shop. Russian Mobster pulls up in a Mercedes and walks into Louis's shop. Russian Mobster: Since your business has prospered many hooligans will try to take over your business. We will protect you for a small fee. Louis: Thanks but no thanks. I will take my chances. Besides I have the law on my side. Russian Mobster: Suit your self. Remember I am strong like bull. Week Two: Louis: That will be another fifty, mam, for the MicroLouis Power Pretty Pictures the expansion pack for the MicroLouis Power Pictures. Lady: Why is it labeled with a sharpie? Louis: You drive a hard bargain, mam. How about twenty? Lady: I'll take it. Lady exists from the shop. Russian Mobster pulls up in a Lexus and walks into Louis's shop. He is wearing a cheap mask with the word 'hooligan' scrawled across the top. Russian Mobster: I am strong like bull hooligan. I smash up your shop with a large heavy object. I laugh evilly. I run away before police come. Louis: Ummm... right...that is it. I am calling the police. (Dials the phone) Hello... Recorded Voice Over The Phone: I am a sorry. We are unable to take your call at this time. Our economy is collapsing and we will be unable to assist you. Please contact your local protector for assistance. Week Three: Louis: That will be another fifty dollars, mam, for the MicroLouis professional edition. Lady: I have no money now that economy has collapsed. In fact I don't even why I am here. Louis: You drive a hard bargain, mam. How about twenty? Lady: How about I give you this wheel barrel full of money. Louis: I'll take it. Lady exists from the shop. Russian Mobster pulls up in a Viper and walks into Louis's shop. Russian Mobster: Now do I have to use my strong like bullness on you or are you going to pay? Louis: I have this wheel barrel full of money. How is that? Russian Mobster: No good. It is worthless now. How about traveler’s checks? Usually you can avoid such embarrassing circumstances as such as this one by selling your illegal software in countries with a stable economy because they use currencies that are always in abundance such as grain. Louis: That will be two barrels of wheat, mam, for a copy of MicroLouis Words, Power Pictures, and Excelarator. Lady: Nana bu aya loba wa-chu (Click) wicky nana bana bom (Click, click, click)? Translation Subtitle: Why would I want computer software when the most technically advanced item I own is pulley for my well? Louis: You drive a hard bargain, mam. How about one barrel? Lady: Nena pa (Click) loba (Click). Translation Subtitle: I'll take it. The last way you can pay of that student loan is to join one of the armed services. That way you can fight against the self proclaimed dictators who also needed to pay off their student loans. This is a part of the Funniest Epinions/Comedy Write-Off A special thanks to bwyckoff1 for hosting it! Check out the other writers: bwyckoff1 disartain nwinston telynor debbie26 aaronreview shadow8 soothsayer mike 24  |
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