Posthumanbeing's Guide To A Body Wrap Spam-Mailing
Jul 04 '01
The Bottom Line A gleeful mockery of a spamming so moronic that I'll probably never be able to convince you that I DIDN'T make it up.
While I don't know how to prevent spammers - beyond tracking them down in real life and killing them painfully - I DO know it's fun to mock their stupid messages. And in that spirit, I would like to share my commentary on what is very possibly the most idiotic junk email I have yet seen. Also scheduled are some helpful re-phrasings of the spammer's text, courtesy of my special friend RoseColoredGlassMan. The original junk message appears in bold text.
From: (DELETED)@excite.com
To: @hotmail.com
Subject: Lose 2-14 Inches In ONE Hour Guaranteed!
Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 16:05:41 -0800
(Mmmmm..."@hotmail.com". They didn't even BOTHER to write my real email address.)
Did you know that there's a way to lose 2 to 14 inches of
fat PERMANENTLY and SAFELY in only 1 HOUR?! . . .100% Guaranteed!
RoseColoredGlassMan: "Did you know the word 'stupid' is written on your forehead, as I obviously don't expect you to know that this - 100% guaranteed! - would violate several laws of biology?!"
Really, people. You're only supposed to lose 3 pounds a week, or else your body's metabolism and "normal weight" will get all messed up and you'll gain the weight back. Well, that's what nutrition experts say, but what the hell do they know?
Did you know that this has been CLINICALLY PROVEN?!
RoseColoredGlassMan: "Did you know that I'm NOT going to tell you WHO this was 'clinically proven' by, because that would, in fact, come perilously close to providing EVIDENCE of my claims and thus threaten the appearance that I am absolutely, positively a waste of skin?!"
Don't forget, folks, that clinics can "prove" a LOT of things if you just remember to give them a corporate-sponsored grant first.
Did you know that Men AND Women have been spending
$75-150 to have a salon provide this service for them?!
RoseColoredGlassMan: "Did you know that these people are friggin' idiots, which coincides nicely with how my capitalization is erratic and how I have absolutely no sense of shame?!"
Anyway: wow! Men AND women? What are the odds?
Did you know that you can now lose 2 to 14 inches of fat in
ONE HOUR, PERMANENTLY and SAFELY, in the privacy
and comfort of your own home -- for UNDER $20 ?!
RoseColoredGlassMan: "Did you know that's EASILY at least $20 more than my product is worth?! Sure, you COULD just flush that money down a toilet - PERMANENTLY and SAFELY, in the privacy and comfort of your own home! - but OUR product is revolutionary because you'll also lose the cost of a stamp and/or risk your credit card number!!"
Think, people. Would you trust promises of safety and permanent results from someone who uses this many exclamation points?
I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true!! With an
ALL-NATURAL, SPECIALLY FORMULATED, herbal and
mineral body wrap, you can PERMANENTLY and SAFELY
lose 2 to 14 inches of fat in ONE HOUR!
It's almost too easy to comment here, isn't it?
RoseColoredGlassMan: "I know it seems unbelievable, but you're definitely stupid!! Look at how often I have to emphasize permanence and safety in ALL CAPS! With - "
Sadly, it was here that RoseColoredGlassMan collapsed under the strain of the sarcasm needed to cope with this message and had to be carried off, but hopefully he'll recover enough to rejoin us at a later date.
But anyway: yes, folks! With just some plastic, tea leaves, and rejected bottled water - arranged in just the right SPECIALLY FORMULATED way - you can burn more fat than cosmetic surgery, disembowling, or hundreds of hours of proper diet and exercise. It's just like magic, faith healing, and radio show tarot readers, only even less believable!
I did -- and so can YOU!
I think I would have to lose a few inches from my brain first.
Still skeptical? Just listen to these testimonials from REAL
people who have used our specially formulated body wraps:
Ah, yes. You tell they're REAL because they have generic names and live in unspecified parts of - oh, wouldn't you know it! - states that I don't happen to live in. Damn. If only these people were REAL enough to have, you know, actual cities or some other way of determining if they, you know, actually EXIST.
I believe these "testimonials" are idiotic enough to comment on themselves, but let's have a look anyway.
"I was skeptical -- lose INCHES of fat in one hour?! Well,
let me tell you . . . my first body wrap, I lost 5 inches, and
my second wrap I lost 5-3/4 inches. But most exciting
was my 3rd wrap when I lost 12-3/4 inches in just ONE
hour! Forget skepticism -- this is the EASIEST time
I've EVER had losing weight!"
-- Holly Cotter, MD
I bet you own a lot of land in Florida, too.
But yes, I AM absolutely stupid enough to believe that over THIRTY-THREE FRIGGING INCHES of fat just magically vanished into thin air. Oh, and did it tighten her skin while it was at it, too? After losing even a fraction of that much tissue at once, you would have enough loose skin to...okay, wait.
POSTHUMANBEING'S TOP FIVE LIST OF THINGS YOU COULD MAKE WITH LOOSE SKIN HANGING AROUND FROM MAGICALLY LOSING OVER 33 INCHES OF FAT AT ONCE
5. A half-assed parachute!
4. A costume for a serial killer!
3. Book covers!
2. Part of a cheap leather jacket!
1. Whips!
Ugh.
"I do a lot of body wraps on a lot of people. I see a lot
of different results. One thing is for sure -- they ALL
lose inches, and the inches stay off! On average, with
the body wraps I do, they lose between 7 and 11
inches with the first wrap, another 5 to11 inches with
the second, 3 to 9 inches with the third, and another
3 to 9 inches with the fourth wrap. The inches ALWAYS
stay off, and they never go back to the size they were
in the beginning. I'm also finding that it helps people
with aches and pains. It is very soothing, especially
for people with arthritis and fibromyalgia."
--Tracey Long, PA
So that's a total loss of anywhere from 18 to 40 inches. I'm telling you, there are concentration camps that didn't get "results" that great.
I've got to be surprised at whoever wrote this piece of crap, though - fibromyalgia actually IS a real disorder.
"About 3 months ago I was taking a surfing trip to
Mexico and I wanted to lose some weight. I did the
diet thing and the gym thing, but I still had a little bit
of a stomach. So I decided to try the Body Wrap.
When I first heard about the Body Wrap I thought it
was a complete joke, but I was just about ready to
try anything because I wanted to feel great in a
bikini. So, one night, my girlfriends and I decided
to take turns on doing the Body Wrap. I did a spot
wrap just on my stomach. On the first wrap I lost 3
inches. I was excited because I went to Mexico with
a flat stomach. My other friends lost at least 8 inches
with a full body wrap. We tell everyone who wants to
lose inches in a matter of hours to do one!"
--Kristine Snodgrass, CA
It's here that I really begin to realize that it was beneath me to dignify this thing with a response. So, not only does this thing violate the laws of biology, but it's IMMEDIATELY REUSABLE, too. Wow.
"I just did my first body wrap a few days ago and it was
fantastic! I lost 5 inches in just 1 hour! After completing the
wrap, I had the best night's sleep I had had in a long time
and I woke up very refreshed & energized. My body feels
tighter & "lighter" now too. I can't wait to see the results
after 3 more wraps over the next 3 weeks!"
--Suzy Cole, OR
The "best night's sleep I had had in a long time"? Refreshed? Energized? I thought this was supposed to be a weight loss device, not those half-robotic grooved mattresses you see on TV ads or something. Really, is it too much to ask for idiots to at least REMEMBER what kind of product they're shilling for?
"My very first wrap I lost a total of 5 1/2 inches from my waist
down. My legs felt smoother and more toned. I did another
wrap about 10 days later and I lost an additional 4 inches.
The inches have stayed off. My husband has even noticed the
results. Now I am ready for my summer vacation to the beach.
I totally recommend the Herbal Body Wrap to anyone
who wants to lose inches and feel great."
--Stacy Russell, TX
Wait, that's the last testimonial! Well, I'M certainly convinced. Isn't it easy to put together convincing-sounding testimony that will never, ever have to be subjected to the burden of proof?
Hell, just to show you how easy it is, why don't I put together some testimony of my OWN right now?
"Yeah, this posthumanbeing guy is, like, the coolest dude ever! I saw him use these secret ancient martial arts techniques to punch an attacker 26 times in one second!"
--B.S., IL
"At first, I thought posthumanbeing was a total moron, but he took some time off from kicking footballs into the upper reaches of the ionosphere to predict the entire course of my life! That was half an hour ago, and so far he's been totally correct! Wow, and he wasn't even using a tarot deck or anything!"
--U.Y., IL
"Posthumanbeing is a genius! I always moaned about my increasing baldness, but then he took a magic marker and colored over my head, and it looked so half-assed that I suddenly realized that maybe being bald isn't such a horrible thing after all!"
--F.U., IL
"Yeah, McTurbot is probably the best Epinionator we've ever had, and...oh, wait. What were we talking about, again?"
--T.S., IL
As you can see, gentle reader, not only can "testimony" annoy the people you're spamming and ripping off, but it will continue to serve you in all walks of life - hyping your own books, hyping your own religion, being Charles Atlas, hyping your own magazine-based self-defense program, hyping weight loss methods that involve pills or "the right combination of foods you already love!" instead of plastic and seaweed...you name it!
What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose except
fat!! Get details NOW about our clinically proven body wrap
by sending your FULL NAME, EMAIL ADDRESS, and
MAILING ADDRESS to us at:
Nothing to lose except fat? Well, except time, money, and more brain cells. But yeah, other than THOSE...
It's probably too cruel that I gave them a false address from a town somewhere in South Africa. Again, someone who uses exclamation points as often as this idiot does probably can't be trusted with their share of the planet's oxygen, let alone, oh, the location of my HOUSE.
mailto:(DELETED)@excite.com?subject=DETAILS
Hello? abuse@excite.com? Anyone there?
And you will receive information via email within 24 to 48 hours!
You will also receive information about a Special Offer, so
be sure to check your email box!
I've got a Special Offer for this guy, too. One involving a taser and a lot of water.
IMPORTANT: For verification purposes only, we MUST have
your FIRST NAME, LAST NAME, EMAIL ADDRESS and
MAILING ADDRESS. This will verify that you have, indeed,
requested further information. No further information will be
sent to you unless you provide us with your FIRST NAME,
LAST NAME, EMAIL ADDRESS and MAILING ADDRESS.
Ohhhhh, I could only hope.
be removed from our mailing list, send a blank email.
mailto:(DELETED)@yahoo.com?subject=Remove
Fifty bucks says this will come back an error message!
God, that was cathartic. Thank you for your time, fellow Epinions users. I hope this was at least vaguely amusing for you, especially those of you who have had to put up with idiotic spammers like this one.
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Epinions.com ID:
posthumanbeing
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Member: Post, or the Randomkill Reviewing God
Location: One possible future
Reviews written: 29
Trusted by: 30 members
About Me:
Status: Awakening...I am wrongness, given new life.
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