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Of Eclectic Cuisine and Rune Reading (SPAM write-off)Jul 03 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line SPAM. Just do it. I don't know what Epinions means by the rather ambiguous phrase "eclectic cuisine". It's just not part of my vernacular. Therefore, for the sake of this fez-wearing-monkey-hosted write-off about SPAM (of all things), which incidentally has no Epinions topic even close to relating to it, I am hereby proclaiming that the phrase "eclectic cuisine" refers to any edible substance made from ingredients that come from different places. Now, as we all know, SPAM's ingredients couldn't come from more diverse and varied places. For example, the shoulder pork in SPAM comes from the shoulder of the piggie; whereas the ham, which is in fact an entirely separate ingredient (a la the SPAM official website), comes from piggie's quivering little rump. Two entirely different sections of piggie's body. And therefore, the SPAM mixture is made from eclectic ingredients. And I've been told it's edible, too. So there: it's officially part of the eclectic cuisine. But have you ever actually eaten SPAM? Ever seen its slimy goodness ooze itself -- teasingly slow -- out of the can and squelch down onto your plate with a distinctive wet plop? Have you ever sat and stared into its pink abyss, wondering what it would be like to be SPAM, the god among foods? That is the great mystery which I intend to explore in this write-off. I start by attempting to determine what SPAM's personality type is. Since I know SPAM's birth year is 1937, I can make use of the great Chinese Zodiac [1] for my noble cause. Contrary to my immediate assumption that SPAM would logically fall under the year of the boar, I find that SPAM's true zodiac sign is the Ox. Oxes (sic) may appear docile, but watch out! They also have quite a temper. So true, so true. SPAM looks so docile, so innocent.. but an hour after eating it, its true tempermental nature shows. In troubled times they will have great presence of mind and will never be intimidated. They are very proud souls. I tested this, and it's true. I threatened to stab a slab o' SPAM, and it just sat there, fearless of my fork. I then informed it that unless it cowered in my mighty wake, I would fry it. No response. So I threw it in the microwave. It finally began to quiver, perhaps with fear or perhaps with gelatin, but then it exploded. Cocky little meat by-product... They can also be vulnerable in romance. Seeing as how SPAM already so greatly resembles a torn-out, chewed-up and spit-out heart, I'm guessing that this fact is also probably true. Their actions speak louder than words. SPAM can't talk. But it can be made to jiggle, fly, splat, dance, and win an Oscar for its role in the original Star Wars trilogy. Another right-on fact! But enough of the Zodiac. Turning to numerology [2], I find that SPAM's birth name, Spiced Ham, has an expression number of 6, a soul urge of 6, and a persona of 9. 6-6-9. Hmm. The expression number 6 includes the traits of harmony, beauty, nurturing, love, marriage, family, responsibility, understanding, sympathy, healing, empathic, perfectionist, order, duty, comfort, and service. SPAM is indeed a beautiful, nurturing food, don't you agree? And what food could be more perfect than ham? Incidentally, this number also is associated with the color rose pink. Coincidence? SPAM thinks not. The soul urge number 6 apparently has the same traits as the expression number, but stresses SPAM's Heart's Desire and Spiritual Urge to be getting and giving love. So next time you settle down to eat some SPAM, give it a big kiss first and it'll respond in kind. The persona number 9 encompasses being humanitarian, compassionate, romantic, selfless, generous, philanthropic, loving, wisdom, idealist, artistic, spiritual healer, all allowing, other worldly, and blending. What could be more blended than SPAM? And, finally, I decided to have SPAM's runes cast [3]. I used stone runes, since they are best suited for questions about "things beyond human control." I asked the runes about what the future held for SPAM, assigned SPAM the gender of male (pink is such a manly color, really), gave its current age of 64, and went for the single rune reading. The rune I got was Ger, which stands for eternal cycles of fruitfulness and wealth. So, according to my study, SPAM is innocent-looking, jiggling, pink, blended, and will be around forever. Sounds pretty damn accurate, too. ** [1] - http://www.rainfall.com/horoscop/chinese.htm [2] - http://www.numberquest.com/numerology/report/index.html [3] - http://www.facade.com/runes/ ** This was a last-minute entry into Fez_Monkey's "Marvelous Spam Write-Off". I made it a bit longer than usual so that all of you who don't like my short anecdotal Epinions will know why I don't normally write long ones. Wheee! Others who were conned into doing this write-off: Abazur Catboon Emptywishes James23 Jkkelley Juliette Kboo Kris-kochanski Mangiotto Mcgina Megugrrrl Phixed Prettyinpink Repulsemonkey Sleestakk Sloucho Sordid-1 Sundogg99 29th_Candidate Thanks, Fez, for finally giving me an excuse to ask the palm-reading lady to tell me the future husband of SPAM.  |
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