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Raising Teenage Stepkids Part 2--When They RebelJul 07 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Several people have commented on my first epinion and asked for more suggestions...I hope this helps.
There have been a lot of changes in our family structure since my last article a year and a half ago. (See "Raising Teenage Stepkids") The 15 year old stepson that came to live with my husband and I a month after our marriage, matured into manhood, and with that maturity came a lot of struggles. As soon as he turned 18 my stepson exerted his independence with the statement, "I'm 18 and you can't tell me what to do anymore." The battle had just begun. He started staying out well past curfew, skipping school, drinking alcohol, doing marijuana, and quit his job. Ultimately within a few months he ended up quitting school, and getting into trouble with the law resulting in probation for a year. What do you do with a child like this? First, we allowed him to suffer the natural consequences of his actions. By quitting his job he didn't have money to put gas in his car or to pay his car insurance. Instead of bailing him out, he suffered the consequence of not being able to keep his car on the road. And, when he got into trouble with the law, instead of going out and getting a lawyer for him, we made him make his own arrangements to meet with a public defender and go to his court dates. Secondly, we didn't support his bad habits by giving him money every time he asked. If he needed new shoes or a haircut, we took him out and made the purchase ourselves rather than giving him the cash. Then, there eventually comes a time when the child needs to leave the home. Our home finally became very disrupted due to my stepsons actions with him not working, not going to school, not helping around the house, staying out half the night, and walking around stoned much of the time. At that point we told him that he had 30 days to get his act together or find a new place to live. He moved out. Sound cruel??? I prefer to call it tough love. We had to be tough with a small child in the house at the same time who didn't understand all the disruption. Further, it is important to be on the same page as your spouse. Often my husband and I did not agree on how to handle our son and it led to a lot of marital strife. If you and your spouse don't agree on how to handle major problems with the child(ren), seek counseling or get a mediator involved. If your spouse won't go to counseling go by yourself, as the stepparent you'll need the support. Especially if it seems your spouse is choosing his/her child over you. Finally, if you are religious, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. That made a lot of difference for me. Especially when I enlisted the aid of a few close friends to pray with me about the situation. It has now been a little over a year since my stepson moved out. He's 20 now and has come to the realization that he has made some poor choices and is taking steps to get on the right track again. While he hasn't totally turned around he is making some improvements. I'm still praying and hope that soon he will get his life turned around and become a productive member of society.  |
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