Nikita Mikhalkov is probably one of the most famous Russian directors of our time. He won an Oscar for Burnt by the Sun, he has a very interesting take on Oblomov and his Play for Mechanical Piano was quite something, they say. Errr, ok. I personally can’t stand him. I think he’s a scam and a radical nationalist, besides his face makes him look like a rat (for Russian kids in the audience: remember Ãîñòüÿ èç Áóäóùåãî? Well, doesn’t he look like Krys? Err, no Russians? Sorry). verbatima’s review makes a lot of good points about Nikita Mikhalkov. I’m writing this additional review to say that some Russians booed at the movie, though we are the minority as it may appear, we’re actually the most rational and objective.

This movie is a pretentious joke at Russia, Russians and Russian cinematography. Some evil genius (read: Mikhalkov) united Mozart, a prostitute and a cadet named Tolstoy in a quest for … Russian soul (you knew it was coming). Even though I did not think that it was all about a search for “mysterious Russian soul”(let it be damned!) but verbatima makes a good point there. Even though Mozart was not Russian; a prostitute is someone, who makes Russian characters speak almost entirely English, thus showing director’s western ambitions, though Russian upper class spoke French in the 19th century; and Tolstoy is truly not the only noble last name in this country, Bezukhov sounds not that bad either. I won’t point out all of the historical mistakes they make in showing Russia under Aleksandr III. It was not even half that pretty and loose.

Jane Callahan (Julia Ormond) comes from America to influence higher minds in terms of a machine that cuts trees. Yeah. She’s pretending to be inventor’s daughter. I just don’t know what so many Americans have been doing in Russia in 1880s. On the train to Moscow she meets Andrey Tolstoy and they fall in love. Or at least he does. By the way Ormond acts you’ll never know what her character is up to. In Moscow they meet now and again. One of his friends teases him about her and provokes a duel. Andrey is mad about her. Literally. While his counselor is mad about Jane, too. She encourages him to drink vodka at Maslenitsa and he finds himself in a long zapoi. (Mikhalkov had to insert vodka somewhere.) Jane and Andrey make love once, but due to a series of misfortunes Andrey loses his mind during the cadets’ performance of “Marriage of Figaro”, where he has a lead and is sent to Siberia for attacking the czar.

Andrey’s maid, who’s in love with him, follows him to Siberia, where they marry (speculatively) and have children. Jane marries Douglas McCracken, the inventor of the tree-cutting machine, because “Barber of Siberia” shall return to Siberia to cut trees. Christ, I can’t believe I’m typing this! That would give Jane a chance to see Andrey. Shall I break the suspense and tell you she won’t see him? But she’ll have his kid, who will try to prove to ignorant US army sergeant that Mozart was a great composer. Why kid, because he drove your father mad? Yes, that truly makes him a genius!

I can see Mikhalkov with a checklist in one hand and a pencil in another. “Vodka”, mutters he. A kid brings a bottle of vodka. “Not here, you jack***! In my masterpiece!” Checks vodka. “Making Americans look like idiots”, says the next line. “Mozart”, thinks Nikita. “Oh, but I need it to be a hit. It has to be in English. Let’s make them all speak English. We’ll just make Russian people believe they spoke English in the late 1880s.” Then he thinks that Russian people deserve to see it, too. “I’ll narrate all the English parts in my annoying voice”, concludes the greatest director of our time.

I’ve just called my brother, a history major, to ask him for some goofs. He told me they wrote a whole book on all mistakes in the movie. I’ll definitely have to read that, it will be funny. Anyway, all of the people are dressed inappropriately for that time, including cadets and gandarmes. Kremlin did not look that pretty. The streets were dirty. When Andrey was going through Moscow before he got on a train to Siberia, they crossed a bridge that would be built only in 1930s. One time they are cutting through a backyard that is also a dead end. The Great Prince talking to Aleksandr III was not that laid-back, he was a Russian bear to sum it up. Terrorists in late 1880s were not that active to play war in Moscow’s center and their guns are outdated. Just as I said, they wrote a whole book on it. And I'm sure you can tell that in the beginning of the twentieth century US flag couldn't have 50 stars.

Acting. Aww, gotta love modern Russian movies. Acting makes me puke. It’s not a theatrical stage, damn it. Act like you live it out, not like you’ve got strings attached. Oleg Menshikov plays a cadet. Man, should I say more? He was just about the right age to play cadet when he was starring in Pokrovskie Vorota twenty years ago. And I always hated the way he acted. Very pretentious. Another finest example of Russian theatrical acting taken to the movies is Andrey’s mother. I don’t know what’s wrong with Mikhalkov if he doesn’t see it’s not real and demands that acting from his actors. Marat Basharov was a new pretty face in this movie, but I wish he never left theater for this. And then Nikita Mikhalkov plays Aleksandr III. “Pathos” is the word we’re looking for.

Julia Ormond looks pretty, I guess that’s all she should be doing in the movie, but it gets annoying closer to the end, especially when she explains to the sergeant that her son’s father was a Russian. She acts like she got that Russian soul fever too.

Never watch this otherwise you’ll never pick another Russian movie again.

Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: VHS
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older