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Our stepfamily situation....oh what joy it brings us all.Jul 19 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Take time with your children to explain about the stepparent to be. It is important.
I would like to share with you all the relationship between my children, my husband, (their stepfather) and his son, (my stepson.) When I first met my husband I was going through a divorce after 19 years of an abusive marriage. (Read the review I wrote about "My Faith has helped me through tough times.") Anyway, I met my husband and we hit it off right from the start. This man understood me like I had never been understood before. He taught me things about me that were waiting to be learned. And he never allows me to keep something bottled up, he knows instantly that something is bothering me. I kept him from my children at first, for months actually, course my oldest girls were no dummies and they new something was going on. My son was only 3 at the time. And those girls would do and say things to make me feel guilty about even looking at someone else. You see in their minds, I was not supposed to see anyone except their father. My oldest tried my patience in ways that would horrify a parent. But in the end she came around. It was about 6 months after we met that I brought him into the children's lives. By this time I had admitted to them that I was seeing someone else. He had an apartment in an apartment complex that had a pool. This helped a lot. My oldest didn't meet my husband with the other two. She was to busy trying to make my life a living hell. And at times she did. The other two liked my husband from the start. My middle girl was very leery though, because in her mind this was not daddy and was daddy coming back! I sat my children down and talked with them about my husband. I told them that I loved him and that he made me happy. I told them I was entitled to have happiness. Both of my girls knew of the abuse that their father had given me, particularly the oldest. She once held me in her arms after her father abused me and let me cry. She had caught me in the bathroom crying and came in on me. This had made me so mad because I had up until that time hid the abuse for over 14 years. Anyway, my husband and I took things very slowly with the children. That was the only way. We kept in mind their feelings. Neither one of us had no idea how it felt to be a child from a divorced family nor did we pretend to be. But we did know how it felt to go through a divorce as an adult, and the feelings have to run similar. We would include the children in most activities we did. We would have a family night once a week and go out. I tried hard to please everyone and realized the hard way that I could not. I had to start thinking about what I was going to do, and my feelings. My husband has a son from a previous marriage, and we told my children about him. They were very leery at first meeting him and he them. But it really all worked out just fine. When we told them we were getting married. They took it okay. They were still hoping that their father and me would get back together, which is perfectly natural for them to think and hope for, but at the same time they knew it was not going to happen. They tried really hard to accept things for what they were, and in the end I can say I am very proud of them. My divorce was final in Nov. 99 and I married my husband in April 00. The children, all four of them were in the wedding. They stood up for us. It was so wonderful. Let me tell you, there will be a lot of jealously from your children around the current spouse/boyfriend and other children involved. They will ALL (this includes the spouse/boyfriend) compete against one another for your affections and attention. This will drive you insane, and yet at the same time can be rather humorous. You find yourself once again trying to please everyone, and once again learning the hard way that you can't. So, you have to lay down some rules for everyone involved including yourself. And you all have to follow those rules. One thing is for sure, this is my husband’s house and my children know that. They pay him the same respect that they expect from him. Well most of the time they do. There are moments. When we first got married I told my children that they were to have the same respect for my husband that they had before we got married. That they were to mind him as if it were me that they were minding. He would not lay a hand on them in any way nor would I allow him to. And the same rules applied to me with my stepson. I told my children that disrespecting my husband was the same as disrespecting me. My husband told his son the same thing. If you tell your children this from the beginning things will go a lot better in the home. There have been moments, let me tell you, that all of the children have tried us. And we deal with it as it comes along. My stepson does not live with us at this time (that is another story all together), but he did live with us for over 9 months. And while he did I treated him with the same raising that I give my children. Just as my husband does with my children. I love his son as much as I love my own children and my husband loves my children as much as he does his son. And it is a very good feeling for me when my stepson refers to me as “mama” (since he calls his mother “mom” “mama” is fine by me.) He knows how much I love him and when he tells me that he loves me, it just warms the heart. I am sure that my husband must experience this same feeling from my children. My husband and I do not believe in discussing child support issues and visitation issues with the children. It is none of their business. We do not argue at all much and if we do we do it in private. (We always make up though, which is the fun part! Right?) All of our children get along with one another and with us. We are very fortunate to have them in our lives. We deal with the ex's as best we can and try really hard to keep the children from these matters. We take our children to church and we all love it. We are at home when we are at church and really miss it when we are not there. Which is only on a rare occasion should we have to be out of town. I am also lucky that I have a husband that is not abusive to my children or me. I do not have to worry about my teenage daughter or my son being around him, nor does he have to worry about my being around his son. And I thank God for that. I know that there are some families that have very serious problems in the home with stepfamilies. And I am so sorry that they do. I trust my husband with my life as well as the lives of my children. They love him and he loves them. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone or not. But in our household “stepfamily” is a household word. Love makes a happy home. I know this first hand. You have to treat your children with respect if you want respect in return. God Bless  |
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