How to Give Positive Support to Your Adult Child in College Jul 20 '01    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line College students need love and support from their parents. New college students need the "safety net" that parents can provide. They must feel that security; yet, feel the freedom to "expand their wings". This poses many challenges for parents. Our college children need our support but they also need to gradually break their dependence on us. THE BASIS FOR MY PERSPECTIVE My suggestions have been developed from four different perspectives: Having a doctoral degree, I KNOW first-hand what college is like, I have taught at the college level for 10 years, I have been a mentor to numerous college students, and I have two children in college right now. MY SUGGESTIONS FOR PARENTS 1. This is a transition for everyone so expect to feel a variety of emotions. When your children enter college, especially your oldest child, all parents go through a developmental crisis. The adult children are going through their own also. It is bad enough when one person is going through some major changes; however, it is even more stressful when several people are going through stuff of their own. Emotions are likely to fluctuate unexpectedly. If you KNOW this ahead of time, then PERHAPS you will not feel as bad when this occurs. Some of the emotions will be very positive and some will be less positive. This would be a good time to talk to your children's friend's parents. They are probably going through the same thing. 2. Refrain from living your life through your children. Let you children strive for THEIR goals. Most of us are very proud of our children and it is NATURAL to be TEMPTED to tie up our self-esteem with our children's success. RESIST this temptation because it is dangerous. A very distraught student of mine came to me one day after failing a test in another class. This student had been trying his absolute best. However, he just could not do well in chemistry. He kept telling me that he HAD to DO WELL or he would let his dad down. His father had never attended college but always wanted to be a doctor himself. Ever since this student was a little boy, his dad strongly encouraged him to become a doctor. When the student entered college, his dad bragged to everyone that HIS son was studying to become a doctor. That would be great, except that this student didn't have the heart to tell his dad that he had no interest in medicine. 3. Tell you children that you love them no matter how well they do at college. People NEED to hear this. However, do it in private and not in front of your son or daughter's friends. This would be very embarrassing for many people. When I entered college, I KNEW that my father loved me no matter how I did in college. I KNEW that he would NOT think less of me if I failed a class or even failed school altogether. He did NOT connect his love for me with my success in school. This really helped me during tough times at school. 4. Praise effort and not grades. I know from experience how horrible it is to work VERY hard in a class and still fail it. The LAST thing I needed from ANYONE, especially my parents was to hear, "You did WHAT?????" Instead, I needed to hear, "Hon, I KNOW how hard you tried and I am PROUD of you for that. It must be SO hard to work so hard and still not get a grade you would have liked. However, grades are NOT everything in this world." 5. Acknowledge that failure is an integral part of college (and life in general). A study was conducted by a professor of mine where doctoral students were surveyed to determine how many of them had failed classes as an undergraduate. Approximately 85% failed one class, 75% failed two classes, and 46% failed three classes. Failing a class does NOT mean that a student is DOOMED. If your son or daughter is concerned about failing a class, tell them, "Failing is not the end of the world. However, let's see what you can do to perhaps help yourself get through this." Then refer them to their advisor who can advise them on what to do. 6. If your child is having difficulty focusing on his or her studies, resist the temptation to scold them. Instead, try to explore reasons for their difficulties and suggest that they explore campus resources that may benefit them. It is a good idea for parents to have a copy of the college catalog at home since most of these describe the various support services available on campus. Lack of motivation has many causes: Difficulties adjusting to adult life, lack of time management, homesickness, career mismatch, relationship problems, depression, substance abuse, among MANY others. No matter what the cause is, parental ranting and raving typically is NOT useful. 7. Suggest that your student get a good mentor. Many colleges now have formal mentoring programs where students are matched with faculty in their area of interest. As a mentor, I have seen some REMARKABLE benefits to the students with whom I have worked. 8. Recognize the fact that your "LITTLE girl" or "LITTLE boy" has grown up and does not need you QUITE as much as before. I said "quite" as much because they still NEED you. However, they are at the point where they are reaching out to others for support. Be there for them but don't force them to come to you for everything. 9. Face the facts about school vacations and holidays. The fact I am talking about is that sooner or later, they will not spend them at home with you. This does not mean that they don't love or care about their family. This just means that they are grown up and have a life of their own. During my second year at college, I had my own apartment that I could stay in during breaks. Finals were approaching and I really needed to study during Thanksgiving vacation so I decided not to spend it with my father. I was so glad that he didn't rant and rave about my not coming home. I made up for it by bringing my boyfriend home with me for Christmas. You better plan on how you will deal with THAT ONE also BEFORE it happens. 10. NEVER, EVER, EVER make a surprise visit to your child's campus to see him/her. I GUARANTEE you that they will NOT be happy with this. Once students leave home, they change emotionally. Something happens to them that causes them to need time to adjust to being with their parents again. Also, unexpected visits may be viewed as "checking up sessions." 11. When you do visit, DON'T say ANYTHING negative about their dorm room or apartment. I can remember feeling so proud to have my own apartment. I really liked it because it was MINE. When an uncle came to visit, the first thing he said was, "The university should make your landlord at least put up a decent coat of paint." That really HURT. I had another experience that was even worse. My roommate had a project to do in her European History class. She made some kind of a poster that had Nazi insignia on it. My father saw this thing and immediately thought that she was a Nazi who was going to corrupt his "innocent little girl". It was just a class project but he took it MUCH more seriously. 12. When your children visit home, don't be upset if you don't see them much. The first thing they will probably do is to eat and then sleep. When they FINALLY wake up, you better get a quick glimpse of them before they run to visit their old friends. They NEED to visit their old friends and see their hometown. Then, and only then, will they be ready to spend time with their family so let them get their "visiting" out of their system. Whatever you do, don't make a ton of plans for them, especially if the plans involve working around the house. My daughter's best friend was so upset when she had her first home visit. She had just completed finals and was totally exhausted. She then flew 2,000 miles home. As soon as she got home, her mom gave her a list of chores to do. She could have screamed. Of course, the returning student should be expected to do some work. However, let them have at least 24 hours before making them work because they are EXHAUSTED. 13. When they visit you, have some of their favorite wholesome foods available. Believe me, they want their favorites and have not been eating properly. This is especially true after finals. During finals, students live on pop (or coffee) and junk foods. Now, these are the better nourished students. The others live on booze alone. 14. Let them make their own decisions (and their own mistakes). Let's face it, no matter how much you dislike it, many college students drink, experiment with drugs, are having sex, consider other lifestyles, and all sorts of other things. Your son or daughter will be making choices on all of these matters and you will NOT have any control over their choices. They are going to do what they are going to do. You don't have to like their choices, but I suggest that you still love THEM. I don't have any easy answers or suggestions about how to prevent your son or daughter from getting involved with these types of things. I do KNOW that what choices my children make are THEIR choices. 15. Become friends with your adult children. When our children are younger, we cannot be friends with them because we were the authority. Sure, we may have THOUGHT that we were their friends. However, we had more power over them than exists in a friendship. Now, that your children are in college, they are EQUALS since that same power we had over the that was necessarily when they were young is detrimental now. They need our friendship instead.

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