WE MADE IT!

Either our driver was deftly skilled or just downright lucky because we managed not to hit a single thing on our high-speed bus jaunt to the hotel. I was proud of us.

On a rickety race to the resort to the tune of Bob Marley (are there no other Jamaican musicians out there or do they just humor us with the one and only thing we foreigners recognize), lush tropical greenery whipping at my window... if I had my hand out I could've scooped up a small goat, I'm sure of it. Bouncing around in the back, I hear the shrieks and laughter of the front-seat passengers turned back-seat drivers who were afforded a better view of our near misses of oncoming cars and roadside shops.

FROM AIRPORT TO RESORT: 1 1/2 hours.

I heard him announce "In Jamaica we drive on the left!" as I noticed that we were either in the left lane or the right lane at the driver's whim. I suppose by all rights the bus ride should've been a two hour trip but our driver carved off 1/2 hour by pumping up the speed to what felt like double-time. If you'd like to sit next to your partner, make sure to be one of the first to pile on, otherwise you may be left sitting on one of the seats lined up single-file along the left of the bus. Although I have to say there are fringe benefits to that arrangement which might possibly be preferred over sitting shoulder-to-shoulder in a muggy small space for an hour and change ("Honey I love you but please move your armpit out of my face.")

TRAVELER'S TIP: Lesson One. Make sure your traveling companion showers before you embark on your journey and hope to God others do the same.

YOU'LL WANNA TIP 'EM BUT NO NEED TO

Sandals, as you may know, is an all-inclusive resort so you don't even need to tip the bartenders. Yes, it's true, they actually *are* that nice naturally. Think Isaac on the Love Boat. I recommend the Princess Special. Which means absolutely whatever you want, they'll treat you like a princess. I was on medication while I was there and the bartenders were only too happy to whip up especially for me these delicious non-alcoholic shakes of guava, banana and strawberries all combined into a frothy blender delight.

NIX THE GARDEN VIEW

When we first arrived, we were put into a garden view room. Aah, sunrise... awaken to the sound of cheeping ... uh, that's BEEP-ing. You'll swear you're camping out on the expressway back home.

LESSON TWO: Make sure to inquire about your room. "Garden view" is a very subjective term.

"Honey, where did all the trucks come from and why do they mock us so?" I swear each time a truck drove by, it would beep, why I just don't know. And a truck seemed to be driving by about every five minutes. It was in-saaaane! Very pretty room but a stone's throw from the road... We'll never forgive Sandals.

When mentioned to the front desk the next morning, they rectified the situation, putting us into a gorgeous ocean-view room. Ok, we forgive them.

French doors open onto a patio... we're lulled to sleep by ocean waves lapping up on the shore... awakening to the sound of cheeping... cheeping... yes, that's cheeping I hear, and life is good and peace and harmony are restored.

The decor in the room is modern Greco-Roman, very new and well cared-for. The little luxuries are there: Bedspreads turned down while you're at dinner, cute little tee-shirts given to the people who have stayed at a Sandals before, they even let me go into the fancy proper-attire restaurant in my bikini and make us up a few overflowing plates of food to take back to the room. It's all good in Jamaica.

BLISS OUT

If you go, you absolutely *must* visit the spa at least once. With a lovely polished-marble European feel, it's just a delight- They'll give you a robe and slippers and you can get one of a number of different treatments (hydrotherapy, reflexology, aromatherapy, deep Swedish massage, 4-handed massage, cleansing body wraps and scrubs... and the list goes on), then go to the steam room or the shower or the two pretty plunge-pools in the front.

This was one of the few things we paid for and the prices ranged from $40 - $150. The masseuse was excellent. Oh and the $150 massage? A duet. You and your partner learn the technique and both receive a massage at the same time. They even offer massages on the beach at sundown. Nice idea.

SEE MORE SIGHTS THAN YOU ASKED TO SEE

We took a kayak out and paddled around, landing on a beach down the island from us and snorkeling. The water was crystal clear and just the right temperature. If you time it just right, you may catch a glimpse of one of those naked people on a trapeze. Um, I'm not joking. Two resorts down is Hedonism but you probably won't notice it much unless you go on a boat trip. I don't think I'll ever get out of my head the picture of this one little old man flapping his way into the water dressed in only a snorkel and flippers.

TOURS AND ACTIVITIES

If you're the activity type, there are all sorts of things to do. Two pools and two hottubs, pool tables and a slew of hourly activities will never leave you bored. This time, we laid low. The activities were available but not in your face. If you'd rather sit by the pool with a cocktail, you wouldn't even know there were activities going on in other areas- there weren't microphones or loud frolicking.

Tours were also available such as: Dunn's River Falls (which we went to last year and highly recommend- you climb up an actual waterfall- it's an adventure, refreshing and fun), Rick's Cafe Sunset (for cliff diving), Horseback Riding, Deep Sea Fishing, Cruises, Mountain Valley Rafting. At night, there's the Night Club, Karaoke, Jazz Band, Piano/Sports TV Bar and theme nights.

Sports and outdoor activities:

Canoes/Kayaks Water Rocket
Snorkeling Knee boarding
Glass bottom boats Sail boating
Windsurfing Scuba diving
Aquatrykes Catamarans
Paddle boats Waterskiing

Volleyball Cards
Racquetball Board Games
Chess Croquet
Darts Shuffleboard
Tennis Horseshoes
Table tennis Slot Machines
Billiards Basketball
Squash

AND OF COURSE, EAT, EAT, EAT...

With four gourmet restaurants on the property, there's always something new to taste and try. One of my favorites was the 4C's, where you were prompted to take your plate around a center island where the chefs were, putting on it anything you find at the buffet-style setup... mine was a concoction of shrimp, scallops, lobster, vegetables... and they would take your plate and grill it all up with their own special flavorings... tasted so good you'd never guess that it was all light and completely healthy. The 4C's sat on the beach with colorful orange swags on all sides. Also fabulous were Kimono's (a Beni-Hana-style setup with private rooms), The Sundowner and the Coconut Cove (for dining under the stars). The beach grill was especially good at this Sandals. Always open, great food, and the usual service-with-a-smile. They also offer "Dine Around Negril" where you can visit any of the 12 Sandals-owned gourmet restaurants in Negril. We didn't do this... the places right at the resort were just fine with us!

So as I sit here back home under a grey sky, our happy-go-lucky bus driver is careening through the airport entrance under the hot Jamaican sun on his way to pick up another pile of rastawannabes, ready to pack 'em up and take 'em on that hair-raising ride to a place I will never forget. (Wipe a tear from my eye).

Recommended: Yes