On Becoming "Mr. Epinions": My Ten Point Pledge to YOU

Well, gang, after watching the most recent tsunami of Income Share wash in and bring me something like 47 cents for the past month's lackluster efforts, maybe it's time to rethink things. Perhaps-- and this is only a hypothetical-- perhaps my current attitude and approach need adjustment. After thirteen months of sporadic contribution to Epinions, I've managed to squirrel some thirty dollars and change away from the kids sitting on that stack of rapidly dwindling millions out in Brisbane. I desperately want to do better, and in looking at some of the habits and similarities of some of the truly popular and important folks on Eps, I've decided that capital-C Change Is Needed. As noted anthropologist and author Stephen Jay Gould once remarked to me over a cup of piping-hot Ovaltine, "Higher-order life forms are linked by the ability to adapt and change when needed." OK, so Gould never actually said any such thing, but come on-- this is only Epinions, so it's not like anyone who'd know or care is reading this, so let's just mush on. Gould isn't my point, nor is Ovaltine. The bit about "change" is the key.

As I said, I've been studying and taking notes while wandering around some of the more high-profile big-name super-popular Pinheads, and this effort has inspired me to create a new manifesto for Epinions success-- what I like to call my "Ten Point Plan For Pinhead Profitability."

MY NEW OATH TO YOU, MY WOULD-BE FANS, WORSHIPERS, and ADORERS

Henceforth, and for evermore:

[1] I promise to use lots of exclamation points!! I do this because exclamation points add excitement!!! They add drama!!! They convey notions like warmth and humor and character and other things that would be SOOOOO hard to convey through solid writing!!! The old "shift-1" key stroke does it all and does it faster, and faster is better! Yawn!!! See? Even boredom instantly become exciting and interesting though the magic of Our Friend The Exclamation!!!

[2] I promise to improve my profile page! I need lots of links to my Cyber Buddies, because if link directly to them then they'll return the favor and point folks back towards ME! And that's what Epinions is really about, huh? ME! I need lots of pull-down menus to make sure that you can see that I have lots of 102-word 110-syllable reviews of lipsticks and can openers and accounting packages! But there's more!!! I'll be sure to explain in simple detail exactly How I Discovered Epinions!! Aren't you happy! I'll tell you about my thrill-o-minute life as a freelance doorknob! Did I mention that I LUV YOU!!!! And I know that you crazy guys-- just kidding!-- are wanting to know how ***I*** rate reviews! That's why you're here, right? To learn about ME! ME ME ME ME!!!!

[3] I promise to swim slow lazy circles beneath the yellow-gray foam of the Just In drainpipe, banging a quick VH onto as many bobbing wads of text as I can in order to get some quickie attention! Everyone is excited when they post a new Epinion and see that first VH show up, and it's important that My Name be among the first names you see! That shows you how much I CARE about Epinions! And even if I routinely VH reviews that make no sense or have glaring errors of fact, I STILL CARE! And even if I slap VH stickers on every random piece of dada-esque rambling that falls with a wet plop in front of my completely sincere smile, I STILL CARE!!!

[4] I promise to trust basically every name I ever come across-- even if only for a week or two-- grabbing as many retaliatory reads as I can manage, pumping up my hit total! I'll Trust you and quickly VH as many of your almost-mediocre pieces as it takes to rate inclusion on YOUR Web Of Trust, and then I'll drop you like a bad habit-- don't want to look like a Trust Slut, do I? (hee hee!)-- so that anyone who looks at my fangled anew waycool phat profile page will see that I am trusted by 3000 people despite the fact that I've not written an opinion of my own in half a year! It's not that I don't luv you, cuz I DO! I LUV YOU!!!!!

[5] I'll rush off to Glamour Shots for my new totally hot profile pic! People come here to look at ME ME ME!! I LUV YOU! SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH! You're my cyberbuddy and I want you to gaze upon my pic with lust and desire and envy and an appreciation for my hairstyling derring do!!!!!! And I promise to judge others by their profile picture as well! People with funny hats are creepy, so I won't trust them (but I still luv you fezzy monkey men!)!

[6] I will write only in areas of high profitability, like cosmetics and tools and video games and quick meal recipes! I want to be an Advisor in any area where I can crib half a review right from the label of the product packaging! Originality takes TIME, baybee! And all my time is spent LUVVING YOU!!! HAVE I MENTIONED THE LUV!!?!! All those boring old topics that deal with the artsy stuff like music and movies and books and SpamŽ I will leave to the suckers! You know-- those unpopular nerds who paid attention in class and learned about "tense" and "complex sentences" and "punctuation" and all that sort of silly stuff that only has use for folks, like, at NASA or Chick-Fil-A? Smart folks are such LOSERS!!!

[7] I will enforce the Terms Of Service with the sort of brain-dead literal simplicity that a landmine might appreciate! Off-topic reviews? BAD BAD BAD PINHEAD! Did you (gasp) use a naughty word? BAD BAD PINHEAD! Did you say something not nice about our good friends at Epinions Incorporated? BAD BAD BAD BAD PINHEAD! I pledge allegiance to the Nirav, and the shimmering glimmering Venture Capital that he represents! Hallelujah and pass the Income Share!!!

[8] I will join as many "Reading Rings" and "Trust Clubs" and "Circle Jerk Fests" as I can find! No more time wasted in searching out the best and brightest and then actually READING? That takes too much valuable time, and besides, SOME of these "smart" people use really tricky words like "allegory" or "akin" or "rhombus." Ouch, my big beautiful head hurts! My time would be better spent nailgunning VHs all over the damned (whoops! old habits die hard!) I mean gosh darned place!!!

[9] I promise to seek out and use absolutely every software gadget and trick I can find to help pump up my hit totals! All in the great happy shining kingdom of Epinions benefit when the hit-o-meter keeps spinning like a slot machine, and more hits help bring ME more attention and after all it's all about ME ME ME! I LUV YOU!!!!!!! DON'T YOU JUST LUV ME!!!!!!!!! I DO!!!

[10] I promise to wear pants!! For too long I've surfed around Epinions while in my underwear, a bowl of cheese Goldfish to my left and a cold beer to my right. Sorry. Cold beer to my right!!!! Henceforth (isn't that a funny word!?!!!!!!!) I swear by everything swearable that I will shower and shave and make myself pretty so that I live up to your lofty and lude fantasies about my godlike appearance.

And that's it! My iron-clad Teflon-coated and vitamin-fortified Ten Point Pledge to YOU, my Epinions BUDDIES! I hope each and every one of you feel as excited as I do! Why, I'm almost wet with excitement! I hope I don't pee!!!

I LUV YOU!!!!!!!

PS-- !

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"Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everyone's face but their own."
--Jonathan Swift

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