Life Lessons from a 50 Year Old Gentleman ScholarAug 01 '01 (Updated Aug 04 '01) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Fatherhood requires many characteristics. I have learned three of the most important ones from watching a fellow Epinions member.
The first write-off in which I participated concerned Halloween, and I titled my entry "Life Lessons from a 3 year Old Ballerina Clown". My entry discussed lessons I had learned from my 3 year old daughter as we went trick-or-treating on a cold, rainy October 31. My second write-off, in the form of this article, occurs some 10 months later and I find that I must write about lessons again. These lessons deal with fatherhood and I have learned them from the dedicatee of this write-off, Nick, a gentleman-scholar who recently turned 50 years old. Happy Birthday Nick, and thank you for the lessons! Fatherhood I name my wife and my children as the most important people in the world to me, and words do not suffice to express how much I love them. So, writing about fatherhood seems an impossible task. What can I say that will convey the importance of this role? What helpful advice can I offer when one can already find an abundance of differing attitudes on how to raise children? Given my propensity to write lengthy reviews and given the broad scope of this topic, my faithful readers may fear that I have crafted a list of every thought I have ever had on fatherhood. Worry not, for I have followed the example of the pastorate and include in this review only three points. The points I raise illustrate the three most important characteristics of fatherhood and constitute, I believe, the foundation upon which to build the remaining elements of good parenting. Now, I must confess that I know nothing of how Nick raised his children. Furthermore, Nick has not attempted to teach me anything about fatherhood. However, I like to look for lessons in unusual places and finding myself impressed by the way Nick behaves at Epinions I asked myself "What can I learn from this man and how can I apply it to my life?". In answering these questions I developed these three essential elements of fatherhood, which I will now share. Lesson 1 - Have a presence in their lives I list Nick among the first few writers to notice me at Epinions. After having only written a few reviews, I found on one of them a polite comment, written by Nick, complimenting the review. From that point on, Nick faithfully visited my reviews and almost always left a comment to show that he had read the review and appreciated what I had written. When I returned to Epinions after having temporarily lost interest, an encouraging comment left by Nick contributed significantly to my decision to continue writing. Put simply, Nick, by his own choice, had a presence in my life at Epinions and that presence allowed him to influence me. As a father, I must take the first step in raising my children by having a presence in their lives. Do I come home from work and immediately go to the computer, or do I choose to spend time with my kids? Do I let my wife assume responsibility for bathing, dressing, and transporting the children, or do I use those "chores" as opportunities to interact with my children? I believe I should take any and every chance I have to spend time with my children; and I do not mean simply reading the paper in the same room where they watch TV. I should interact with my children in much the same way that Nick interacts with me at Epinions. I should make a conscious effort to praise my children when they do well, encourage them when they struggle and, when necessary, gently but firmly explain the boundaries of appropriate behavior. To do these things, I must have an awareness of their actions and that comes from having a presence in their lives. In my attempt to improve my role as a father, I will take this first step and spend as much time with them as possible. Lesson 2 - Respond with kindness If you do not know Nick, I encourage you to get to know him. Having read his comments on my reviews and on the reviews of many other members, I can tell you that his interactions with others demonstrate perfect examples of respectful, polite, and kind behavior. I have never known Nick to lash out in anger or self-defense. I have never known him to belittle another member. In fact, in every circumstance in which I have observed his online behavior, I have observed kindness. As a father, I sometimes get angry at my children and feel frustrated by their behavior. Even though I love them with all my heart, I do not always respond to them with kindness. How do I distinguish between "love" and "kindness"? Love represents my feelings toward my children, regardless of my behavior. I can love them, but still feel frustrated and yell at them. Kindness represents my actions toward them. I can show kindness in the way that I respond to them when they frustrate me. I can show kindness by trying to build them up instead of put them down, by trying to encourage them instead of control them, and by respecting their needs instead of resenting their interruptions. I do not mean to suggest that we should not control our children when necessary, nor punish them when they deserve it. I simply believe that a father can chastise or punish his children while still demonstrating an attitude of kindness. Most importantly, I feel that a father should respond with kindness when a child asks for attention. I desperately need to learn that interruptions from my children present opportunities for positive interaction. Lesson 3 - Show consistency in your behavior Allow me to repeat a sentence I used a moment ago, but with a different emphasis. "In every circumstance in which I have observed his online behavior, I have observed kindness." I changed the emphasis so that I could point out that Nick demonstrates consistency in his online personality. You have seen examples of inconsistent behavior here at Epinions. Someone trusts you just until you trust them back, and then they stop trusting you. Someone puts on a friendly show until you rate one of their reviews with less than a VH. Then they e-mail you stating that they have added you to their block list for "trashing their review." These types of behaviors confuse us and can even hurt us, which explains why we find some degree of comfort when we come across a person, such as Nick, who demonstrates consistency in his kind behavior. If inconsistent behavior in others confuses and hurts us as adults, imagine how such behavior affects a child. The first two issues I raised will have little positive impact if they do not occur consistently. Children learn best when they know what to expect from their environment, including interactions with their father. Children also find great security in knowing, with certainty, how father will respond to various behaviors. It will not do to show kindness one day and to lash out at the children the next day. It does not benefit children to let them "get away with" an inappropriate behavior on some days and to punish that behavior on others. Such inconsistent fathering will lead to confusion and insecurity. I will freely admit that I do not show consistency in my behavior toward my children, but I have hope that my awareness of the importance of this characteristic will help me to improve. A concluding thought - On the absence of a father These three lessons that I have learned from Nick actually apply to any parent or guardian. Yet I chose to post my review under the heading of "Advice on Fatherhood" for two reasons. First, speaking from the perspective of a father I wanted to address a like audience. Second, I submit this article as part of a write-off that highlights a writing style known as E-Prime. The E-Prime writing style involves leaving out all forms of one of the most critical and commonly used verbs. For whatever reason, when I thought of writing in E-Prime style without the use of that helpful verb it made me think of, in a small way, the difficulties one faces when raising a child without the presence of a father. I saw that in both tasks the person lacks an element that might make the task easier. However, as I looked at examples of E-Prime prose and as I thought of people I knew who grew up without their father, I also saw that both situations can produce wonderful results. Thus, I hope that both fathers and mothers will find some benefit from my sharing of these lessons. Raising children involves so much more than the three behaviors I described, but I do feel that these behaviors will provide a solid foundation upon which to build all other good parenting skills. Nick, I apologize to you (and everyone) for such sappy sentimentality. You probably think it weird that I would glean so much from just a few comments you have left here and there. Even so, know that I and others appreciate you and your kind personality. We thank you for the lessons. Happy Birthday! Bret I took the challenge and submitted this entry as part of proeditor's E-Prime Write-off. The write-off consists of reviews that avoid the "to be" verbs, a discipline known as E-Prime. We participants strove to enliven our writing and increase our precision by using exactly the right verb instead of the tried and true (but ordinary) "to be's". As a reminder, the "to be" family includes be, is, am, are, was, were, been, being; plus contractions - 'm, 's, and 're. If you found any in this review, please leave me a comment. Don't forget to read the contributions of the other participants: nfp (write-off "dedicatee"-Happy 50th Birthday, Nick), proeditor (host), infoscott (webmaster), tlimjoco, eplovejoy, Sloucho, GinaHill, rich2003dm, epicure, wovengold, pageclot, hhassell99, teskue, magenta321, LEDOMAINE, lernerj, Howard_U, jankp, nylawgirl, KateTPZ, amykhar, and mike24. Thanks to infoscott, you can find easy links to all the write-off entries at the web page he designed just for us: http://eprimewriteoff.tripod.com  |
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