MadChaos
Aug 09 '01
The Bottom Line Dude, it's like...chaotic...in here. What's up with that?
Well, it’s that time again. Time for another hugely popular write-off hosted by that control freak we’ve come to know as sslabs. Even though he’s abandoned the glock for a pair of headphones, the attitude is still there. It shows in his questions that comprise his newest W/O, only entitled Chaos. In keeping with the title, there seems to be no rhyme, reason, or common theme to discern. So, all that’s left is to answer the questions…
Name three things that you are sure to find at the Epinions headquarters. Survey says!
1. Nice interior decoration painted with calming pastels.
2. Employees who surreptitiously slide their company laptops into their bags every time Nirav announces an unscheduled “staff meeting.”
3. An excerpt printed from one of my Epinions Editorials taped to a computer with the words, “LOL! So true!” written on it.
And three things you won't find there. Survey says!
1. A whole bunch of venture capital sitting around and collecting dust.
2. A huge floor dedicated solely to reconciling Epinions Abuse matters.
3. Employees who don’t have Monster.com listed in their browsers under ‘Favorites’.
Right now, there are four choices to rate opinions with. NH, SH, H and VH. If I could add a fifth button it would be . . . . and it would . . .
My new button would be labeled, WTF? and it would be a unique rating for those strange, off-topic reviews that people like McTurbot like to write and Xeno3998 love to read. It would help to eliminate the dissention between the Off-Topic Nazis and the We-Should-Be-Able-to-Post-Anything-Anywhere sedition. This way when folks see a review with a WTF? Rating, they know what to expect, and can decide on their own if they want to risk the read.
How many Epinions writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. You can’t write a product review of light bulbs here at Epinions, so there’s no point in using them.
Who wants to be a millionaire, lightning round. Put these events in proper chronological order and explain your reasoning. A. The US government finally discloses who shot JFK B. A man lands on Mars C. Boy bands are not popular D. Epinions gets the site running correctly and stops saying 'we apologize for the inconvenience'
Correct order:
B. – Actually, I think a woman should be first to land on Mars. It would show just how much NASA and the United States have progressed since the 1960s. Besides, since that’s where men are supposedly from, you’d think that they are the ones who would be most interested in getting there.
A. – The government will wait as long as humanly possible to divulge who shot JFK. They probably figure that as long as the conspiracy theorists are preoccupied with events that occurred over 30 years ago, they’ll completely ignore the crimes and injustices the government is perpetuating now.
C. - Boy bands are like roaches. Just when you think you’ve stomped them out of existence, they’ve secretly bred a new generation to infest your home when you least expect it. Boy bands don’t die, they just multiply.
D. – It’s a trick question! Epinions will never get the site running correctly. The bugs are obviously interlinked in such a way that correcting one problem causes a completely different one to spring up. It’s an old programming trick that helps to guarantee work for some poor shmuck in the Tech department.
If I could have a one night stand with any Epinions writer and not get into any trouble as a result, it would definitely be…
OK…sslabs is really trying to start some chaos in Epinions with this one. Geez, I probably shouldn’t answer it at all, but I can’t resist. There are so many terrific candidates, that I can’t decide! I’ll try to narrow my potential conquests down to three. In no particular order:
Magenta321- There’s nothing sexier than a woman with great taste in movies and music, specifically Hip Hop. Let me just turn on your CD player and then we can…wait. What is that in there? Is that JA RULE??? Ow, some of it touched my ears! Arrgghhh! AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Gamblinfamily – Since I’m pretty sure I have yet to receive my Cyber Leg-Humpin’ from Da Sexy Rican, Erica is the next natural choice. As the legendary healing powers of a passionate night with madtheory are well documented, it would just as beneficial for her as it would be enjoyable for me. =) Good luck, Erica. My prayers are with you.
Kris_Kochanski – It gets lonely on a mining ship lost in deep space, doesn’t it Kris? Since it tends to get a little chilly out there amongst the stars, I would requisition a nice, steaming dish of Chicken Vindaloo for her, while I enjoy a nice piping hot bowl of Gazpacho Soup (what do you mean it’s supposed to be served cold?). Together we would access Holly to calculate why exactly it takes 9 smegging hours for the Flash interface on her website to load! What, are the Red Dwarf schematics in there? Did you compress Rimmer’s holographic matrix into .swf file format?
It's all about the music Flashback There is a boating accident in international waters. You look over the edge of your boat and you see Mariah Carey, Scary Spice, Britney Spears and Janet Jackson all trying desperately to stay afloat. You can only find two life preservers, who lives and who dies?
This is an easy one. My choice would be Janet Jackson, especially now that she’s single again. Mariah is getting too wrapped up in the whole “diva” thing, and for some reason fails to realize that her music sucks. Mariah, you can hit that 203rd octave all you want, but it doesn’t make your music any better. The last time I listened to a Mariah Carey single, Old Dirty Bastard was rapping on it. Dirty outsang her too, “sweeeet bayybayyy…”
Scary Spice: Umm… does anyone still care about the Spice Girls anymore? Hope you can swim, Scary. “Girl Power! Glub, glub, glub..”
And I still don’t understand guys’ attraction to Britney Spears. I mean, she looks OK, sings OK, dances OK, but her songs, like a great deal of pop music, are pure unadulterated crap, period. Oops, I let her drown…(yes I know it has been used a thousand times, but everything’s original when I write it)
If all the advisors in the category of music and all the advisors in kids & family got into a bar fight, who would win and why?
No question, here. The Music Advisors would catch the beatdown of a lifetime from the Kids and Family Advisors. You never mess with one of those SAHMs. They’ve got the mental discipline it takes to stay at home with screaming kids, while calmly writing reviews of the newest nuclear powered spill-proof sippy cups. Plus, the Kids & Family Advisors rally together so tightly it would make the Light Brigade jealous. Unless the Music Advisors would be allowed to sharpen up our CDs and throw them like Chinese stars, we wouldn’t stand a chance.
You're at the dinner table with Nirav Tolia (the Epinions big cheese). Do you
A. kick him under the table.
B. stab him in the hand as he passes you the butter.
C. embarrass him by mentioning that bug ridden site you found called Epinions
D. simply ask him to pass the gravy and contain your rage, disappointment or other negative feelings.
E. hug Nirav for creating Epinions.
F. F. punch Nirav for creating Epinions.
G. G. pretend Mr. Tolia isn't even there.
H. H. other.
A, B, C, E, and F. – This whole Epinions thing is strange because it’s a whole bunch of fun and community wrapped in a big burrito of bullsh*t. We love to hate, and hate to love it here. If my time away from Epinions made me realize one thing, it’s how much I enjoy Epinions, and how much Epinions truly upsets me. Well, I guess that’s two things…
After dinner I saved Nirav Tolia's life, and he gave me complete control over Epinions for 24 hours. The very first thing I'm going to do is . . .
Make a note in my account that Sega_Skillz was my old ID that I had deleted so that I can post under a better ID. That way I won’t have to be “inconvenienced” by having my account suspended indefinitely for violation of the TOS, again.
If writing opinions were an Olympic event, this one would take the gold for funniest opinion.
This is a difficult one. There are a lot of gifted humor writers here at Epinions, but by far the best is jkkelley. It doesn’t matter whether he’s reviewing coffee makers, movies, or the latest release by Shonen Knife, whatever he writes is guaranteed to make you laugh. I “peon” you…no, wait. I’m still an Advisor. Dang! I guess I “advise” you to head over to his profile page and check out his reviews.
If I could invite any writer to this write-off that was not originally invited by "sslabs" it would be
Chris_Maverick. He is one of the best and most insightful writers here at Epinions. He writes mostly on Videos & DVDs, but I seriously doubt that there is a topic here that he could not write an excellent review for.
This opinion is a part the Chaos Write-Off hosted by sslabs. For more information, check out his profile page, or read the entries of these other talented participants:
Katmar ArielsSong Shilmafone *Gamblinfamily Christy13 Lightnin Mattjoe IleneG Pantera00d JennJoy Phineaskc Sarah_Knipper Teddiec Divine_Cheese Tigerlily137 NoMttrWht ALawston Daniel_RF *isinga Splitsurround ad-dollars redsox75 sumo_rhino psychovant repulsemonkey New lambchops dchefsours
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Epinions.com ID:
madtheory
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 - Top 100 |
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Location: Dallas,TX
Reviews written: 485
Trusted by: 590 members
About Me:
DON'T CALL IT A COMEB... wait. I guess you actually can call it a comeback.
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