Wanna be like James Bond 007?
Aug 10 '01
The Bottom Line FOLLOWING IS FOR THOSE WITH SECURITY LEVEL DUSTFART CLEARANCE AND HIGHER. DO NOT READ ON IF YOUR CLEARANCE IS LEVEL PHOOT OR LOWER.
Sure, we all envy the Double Oh Agents battling evil organizations with names like C.A.N.U.C.K. and S.M.U.T. What can't these suave men of action do? They drive amazing cars, order amazing food and drink, and bed amazing women. I want to do that, too you say. Well maybe you can, maybe you can't. After all, a Double Oh prefix is a Licence to Kill in the line of duty. Not just kill villains, either. You can kill anyone so long as you make the paperwork match up at mission's end. And an expense account liberally topped off by Her Majesty's Secret Service doesn't hurt either, eh?
And of course, you'll be able to make the world a better place and so forth and so on.
But before you strap your Walther PPK into your Burns-Martin triple draw shoulder holster, you've got some reading to do. And yes, wine will be mentioned.
Double Oh Agent Reference Manual/XK Red 27/Ref. No. 7473/SecLev InkaDinkaDoo
Hello, Greetings, and Welcome!
By opening this manual, you agree in full with all terms falling under the codicils of HM Official Secrets Act/SecLev QueenMother/Blarney421. If you have no desire to proceed under these terms, simply tear this book into little pieces and eat it.
So you've decided to take your first steps into the world of glamour, sex, and guns that IS a career in Her Majesty's Intelligence Service. Well done! We're sure you'll find it rewarding on more levels than you, a stupid cadet, can possibly imagine. You've also been granted Security Level Chartreuse in order to read this, so now you may feel free to taunt all of your old friends with your new clearance.
To begin your studies proceed to Chapter One.
Chapter One: I'll have the ________ flambé or, Drive on, it's a Sonic
Agents get hungry. It's what they do. With all the drinking and whoring and punching of heads, your body needs fuel. And this is where food comes in. You can eat varying quantities of food to replenish your body's energy supply/sperm count whenever you're near an appropriate vendor.
But what exactly is an appropriate vendor for an Operative such as yourself? Pause now and think for a moment.
Those of you answering Sonic, Jack in the Box, Texaco Food Mart, Leon's Gas n Grub, Hooters, 18 Squealer's BBQ, or Tits N Wings should close this book and begin a serious life evaluation.
Those of you who answered The Tour d'Argent, Maxim's, or La Maison de Boeuf should by all means read on.
Yes, the Double Oh type should never eat anywhere where tables do not have tablecloths or the staff do have nametags. The Operative should also never, ever look at the menu, but should, with a small, self-satisfied smile, order Beluga caviar whether he wants to or not. Foie gras is also acceptable. This constitutes dinner.
And now, wine selection. White with lighter meats. Red with darker meats. Rosé never. Never never. You should never look at the wine list. You should simply select a vintage bottled approximately 15 years ago. Have a year chosen, though, as simply saying "Something 15 years old" will likely draw a smirk from the waiter. If this occurs you must shoot the waiter dead per MI6 Rules of Engagement/Self Esteem/Image Division/Ego Support Regulations.
Champagne is something an agent should have anytime and anywhere as a type of universal thirst quencher/seduction aid. It should preferably be either Bollinger or Dom Perignon but under no circumstances Best Choice or Always Save.
Chapter Two: Don't Laugh, It's Paid For! or Lovely Primer, Old Sport
How do you get from here to there? Well, you walk of course. But for distances of more than ten miles, this can quickly become arduous and waste precious mission time. That's why all agents are encouraged to drive a car of some sort. Cars are fast, metal, and shield you from the harshest weather. But take heed! Like food, an Operative's selection of a car must be done carefully.
Your car should not have any of the following: Yosemite Sam Back off! mudflaps, chainlink licence plate frame, bumper stickers of any sort, stuffed animals suction cupped to interior windows, neon of any kind, a Peeing Calvin sticker, small plastic ball on the antenna, CB radio, or rear tyres dramatically larger than front tyres.
If your car has any of these, refer to Appropriate Suicide Protocols/Sec 0723/SecLev Poisonous Dwarf in Agent Manual So You Want To End Your Life.
You car should also not be described as Ram Tough but should be powerful and elegant in appearance. Aston-Martin is a good place to start. Buick is not. Think Tony the Tiger. Not Tony Danza.
Your car should contain several features, either dealer options or installed after market by the clever artisans of Q-Branch, our in-house technical division: leather seats, Thikol/British Aerospace rocket booster, bulletproof armoured glass, in-dash CD player, 7.62mm machine guns concealed behind parking lights, leather interior, nightvision, manual transmission, dispensers for tyre-puncturing spiked caltrops, Sport-Cloth carpeting in the boot, and lighted mirrors in both visors.
If your car lacks these, it is the Epinion of Section Chief Smythe-Dingus that you report immediately for reassignment to a more appropriate vehicle.
NOTE: Under no circumstances is a Chevrolet Corvette an appropriate mount for an Operative. Several reports have been received of requests for Corvettes as personal vehicles. Despite the phrase The Vette gets 'em wet, we must encourage agents to look elsewhere.
Chapter Three: Is That Drakkar I Smell? or, Shake It, Don't Break It!
Sure, one would think that women would swarm all over you the minute you flashed a little shoulder holster. Uh-uh. Doesn't work that way. You need to know how to impress with success, agent.
1. Clean Up Your Act!
Shower, shower, shower! Hygiene cannot be overemphasized. Brush any stray flakes from you jacket collar. Change those socks. Scrub those nails.
2. Eye contact
There's a crucial difference and a thin line between meaningful, seductive eye contact and the piercing stare of a psychopath. That difference is about 30 seconds. Bear that in mind, agent.
3. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em!
Use potent phrases like mise en scene when discussing a film, or troublesome turbine feedback when mentioning a car problem. This will leave her with the impression that you're very, very bright. Even if you're not.
4. Be handsome.
It helps immeasurably if you look like Sean Connery.
Chapter Four: Usage of the word "douche"
Never, ever use this word in public. Ever.
Chapter Five: Summary
By now you should be well on your way to becoming a state of the bad-a*s art 21st Century Defender of the Faith. You know what to eat, drive, bed, and say and should find a fair amount of success in your chosen career as an undercover operative. Let's review, for safety's sake.
1. Food - pricey, not filling, salty
2. Car - not Japanese or American, armed, fast
3. Women - not American or filling, salty, armed
4. Douche - never
5. The Single Guy -further proof that Jonathan Silverman is wretched
6. Cal's Rule Number One: Never let your mom brush your hair when she's mad at your dad.
Y'all go out and make some trouble.
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