Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
Just a Little Off the Top, Please!Aug 18, 2001 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Circumcision is a non-issue. It makes no difference. Do what you like, or what your own culture requires. It is not genital mutilation.
Warning: Any frank and open discussion of circumcision, by necessity, requires adult language and references to sexuality and male genitalia. If this type of content offends you, we have hundreds of "Harry Potter" and "Barney" reviews for your perusal. Go there. If you are under the age of 18 years, don’t bother reading this. You should be learning this stuff in the street like I did. O. K. Now that the prudes and kids have left the room, let’s talk about sexual anatomy. Anatomy lesson #1 "Little girls have pretty curls, but guys have penises." Anatomy lesson #2 "Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t. Almond Joys have nuts. Girls don’t." Aesthetically speaking, women got the better deal when it comes to sexual organs. Theirs are kind of neat, unobtrusive, and tucked away out of sight. Oh, I know that for a few days each month women’s stuff gets a little untidy, perhaps even troublesome, but overall, I think women are still much better off. Cruel Anatomical Facts Face it. Men have dumb looking stuff, and it’s all right out there. Is there anything sillier looking than a penis and two testicles? Well, perhaps a penis and three testicles, but you don’t see that much anymore now that my uncle, "Three Ball Louie" passed away. We used to joke that if he had one more, we’d have to give him first base. Don’t let this go to your heads, ladies. Your stuff ain’t no Mona Lisa either (although I think I’ve been to the Grand Canyon a time or two), but to a heterosexual male it’s the only game in town. At least you have the good sense to keep it where it’s hard to find. Now it’s not bad enough that men’s sexual organs look comical, but they kind of dangle. And sway. And bounce up and down. Male genitals in any kind of motion are quite ridiculous and undignified. No wonder that one of the first things man invented was something to hide them. Without pants, or a loin cloth or fig leaf to cover the family jewels, could anyone take even Conan the "Bouncing" Barbarian seriously no matter how tough he was? Hell, no! They’d just point at his crotch and laugh him right out of town. Would we still respect a great historical figure if his nickname was Benjamin "Danglin’" Franklin? Or former United States Supreme Court Justice Felix "Flopping" Frankfurter? And testicles are particularly problematic. I’m not an expert on anatomy, and I can’t say for sure what’s inside these things, but I think it must be some mysterious substance that magnetically attracts baseballs, softballs, tennis balls, and the over-sized, rock hard heads of running toddlers. Which finally brings me to the foreskin, which is a loose fold of skin covering the glans of the penis. (This is not to be confused with the aftskin which, I believe, is the skin on a sailor’s behind.) Circumcision: What Brought the Subject to a Head Some cultures require the removal of the foreskin shortly after birth. Other cultures consider circumcision to be nothing more than gentile mutilation. The entire issue of circumcision is, in reality, a non-issue. The necessity for circumcision has been discussed quietly and dispassionately for a number of years in this country. However, the current furor surrounding it resulted from a number of news stories coming out of Africa and the Middle East. In some cultures, females are sexually mutilated. This mutilation involves the removal of the clitothingoris and, in some cases, the labia. This is real barbarism at work. Mis-guided apologists for this cruel and sadistic behavior, rather than condemn this brutality in those cultures, instead point their fingers at the practice of circumcision to attempt to demonstrate that our culture is no better. Well, our culture is better. Any culture that demands the sexual mutilation of wives and daughters is a culture deserving of dying off. The men who inflict this on their women have the tiniest of hearts and minds (and I would suspect …penises). Circumcision is no more mutilation than having an ear pierced or getting a tattoo. In actuality, it probably makes no difference whether a male is circumcised or not. Here are the facts, and my own personal conclusion. Make your own decision. Whatever you decide, it's no skin off my… The Pros and Cons This fleshy sheath, to my knowledge, has no practical use. It’s too thin to protect the penis from anything. Have you even once heard a news reporter say, "Fortunately, his life was saved when the bullet was deflected by his foreskin"? And it’s not like it’s really hiding something. Most folks know with reasonable certainty what’s under there. I doubt if you’ve ever heard, "So Martha, I pulled back the skin and a penis jumped out at me. I was so surprised!" Those who oppose circumcision claim that removal of the foreskin tends to desensitize the penis over time, since the glans is being constantly rubbed against clothing. Whoever came up with this idea was definitely never a teenage boy. In truth, every teenage boy spends so much time choking, yanking, spanking, and otherwise beating his poor penis like it did something wrong, that it is amazing that there are any nerve endings left by the time he enters his twenties. Proponents of circumcision claim that it is healthier and more sanitary. The theory is that foreign debris, and therefore germs, can collect under the foreskin and, over time, could cause infections and even penile cancer. My Decision Reading something like this can really have a sobering effect on a man. Fearing the worst, I decided to perform a personal inspection. Upstairs, in the privacy of my bathroom, I unleashed "The Mighty Anaconda." Yeah, that’s right. Guys name them. We have to. We don’t want a stranger making all of our important decisions for us. (My wife calls it "Willie the One-eyed Wiggly Worm." I hope she means this affectionately, and not comparatively from past experience.) Back to the inspection. I’ve always considered myself to be a man of impeccable hygienic standards. However, in checking the old trouser snake, I was chagrined to find a dried-up, chewed wad of gum, two old theater ticket stubs, and nineteen cents. That money could have been in the bank earning interest. And the gum had completely lost its minty flavor. What a waste! It was this that convinced me to circumcise my son. (It’s too late for me. I’ve already lost the gum and the interest.) I’ll do it as soon as he gets home. He’s registering for his second year college courses now. Let’s see. I’ll need my box cutter, gauze pads, a tourniquet… Won’t he be surprised! I’ll just take a little off the top.  |
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