When Children Are In The Middle
Aug 19 '01
The Bottom Line Divorcing parents need to put their differences aside and do what is best for the children.
It is estimated that half of all marriages in the U.S. will eventually end in divorce. In a few short weeks, my marriage of 22 years will be in this group. My two children, ages 16 and 19 will be greatly affected by this decision.
In the state of Iowa, it is required that both parties in a divorce where children are involved attend a four-hour session dealing with the effects of divorce on children. Yesterday I attended my required session and learned some valuable information that I’d like to share here.
Although divorce will affect each child in a different way, depending on their age, sex, and coping abilities, there are some general rules that all parents should consider when divorcing. Research shows that even five years after the breakup of the family, only about one third of the children affected can be described as doing well and coping successfully. Just under one third have some adjustment problems, and the final third of these children still experience intense problems. Parents need to make an asserted effort from the very beginning of a divorce to do as much as they can to help make this adjustment as smooth for their children as they can. If not, the problems created by a divorce can remain with them into their adult lives.
I’ve listed some suggestions as to how you can help make this transition less stressful for your child:
1.If possible, tell your children of your decision to divorce along with your spouse. Try and let the children know what to expect in realistic and straightforward terms. Answer any questions simply and directly. You do not need to give them more information than requested and you do not have to answer questions that may be embarrassing or inappropriate.
2.Let them know that you will always love them and that no matter what, you will always be their parent. Children may have a fear of being abandoned and you need to let them know that you will be there for them.
3.Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Promises not kept are worse than not making plans at all. Let your love show through in actions and not in words.
4.Don’t attempt to buy your child’s love with money or gifts. A child knows when they are being bought off.
5.Remember birthdays, holidays, and other important events. These times are important to children and show them that you care and that you are there for them.
6.Don’t badmouth your spouse or anyone else in the family. You have to remember that your child is half of your spouse. By putting down your spouse, you are putting down a part of your child. Children need to know that it’s alright to love both parents without making anyone unhappy.
7.When you are angry with one another, do not take it out on the child.
8.Don’t compete for your child’s love and time. They want and deserve a healthy relationship with BOTH parents. This is their birthright. The better relationship they have with BOTH parents, the better adjusted the child will be.
9.Do not put children in the middle. Do not make them spies or mediators for you and your spouse. If you need to speak to your spouse, do so directly and do not expect your child to carry messages back and forth between the two of you.
10.Refrain from asking questions after visits with the other parent that may be taken as spying. For example “So, who is daddy dating now?” Do not try and obtain information on your ex-spouse through your child. If a child knows that they will have to make a report after each visit, they will not be able to enjoy the time they are spending with that parent and you’ve just created another stressful situation for your child.
11.Expect that your children may have feelings of anger and depression following the divorce. Allow them to share these feelings with you without criticism from you. Being able to discuss the changes in their life will be very helpful in the healing process for your child.
12.Accept that your marriage is over and proceed with your own life. The best thing you can do for you and your children is to move ahead with your life and find happiness.
One of the things I learned from this class is that so far, hubby and I have been doing things right. We both hope and pray that by putting our children first and by following the above advice, that our children will come through our divorce with as little pain and suffering as possible.
If you are also going through a divorce, I wish you luck and blessings.
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