NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! ~Or~ A Temper Tantrum In Progress
Aug 21 '01
The Bottom Line Every child is different. This is what works for my child.
I have reached a mothering milestone. First- there's the glory of pregnancy. Then there's the ordeal of childbirth, followed quickly by such mothering milestones as the first meal, the first holiday, the first roll over, and so on. Firsts do not pause with walking, and then continue again with the First Day Of School. No, there are numerous firsts for a mother. And I have reached one of them.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Any experienced mother who just read the subtitle here would immediately understand what I'm talking about. The infamous, (almost) ever present, TEMPER TANTRUM (dum da da dum dum). And yes, for us relatively inexperienced mothers, TEMPER TANTRUM is just that- in bold, italics, and all caps. More than just the willful repeating of the word NO!, TEMPER TANTRUMS also involve various contortions of little bodies thrown on the floor in agony.
Earlier today, I watched in disbelief as my seventeen month old just dropped to the ground beside me. I was holding his hand, and he wasn't pleased. So down he went, his little hand still attached to mine. I was in shock- here he is screaming, kicking his feet, and thrashing around- and I'm still holding his hand. Surely, that must have hurt his poor arm (I did let it go- I'm not that horrible a mommy). All because he didn't want to hold my hand.
As I sit here, pondering this review, I'm struck by flashbacks of my son's most recent tantrums. At seventeen months, I believe that my son is an expert at throwing fits. The funny thing is, I do believe that it's a natural talent. I can't think of anyone who would have taught my son has to contort his body just right, and still keep an eye on Mommy watching for a reaction- any reaction.
Frustration- On Both Sides
That's what a tantrum is about- frustration. Some say that it's about a spoiled child getting their way, but I have news for them. My child is not spoiled. And no, I will not let you look in his toy box for proof... Relax- that's a joke. I'm one of those people who believe that you can't spoil a child, as long as you are not giving gifts to replace your love, but because you love them. Besides, my son has more fun throwing rocks into puddles than he does with his cars and trucks (now, maybe if I let him throw them into a puddle... hmm).
But back to frustration. I've heard people say that puberty and adolescence are the hardest times in life. But imagine yourself as a toddler. You don't walk very well, and your little legs don't move very fast. To keep up with Mommy and Daddy, you are practically running, while they are walking at what seems like (to them) a snails pace. You're not allowed to do certain things that Mommy and Daddy do (like shave, or plug things in). You can't even pour yourself a glass of milk! And young toddlers often don't have the vocabulary to ask for help reaching high places. Who wouldn't be frustrated!
Toddlers are just starting to show independence. They are able to walk on their own- but not fast enough. They know what they want, but often can't have it because it's not good for them, safe for them, or meant for them. Sometimes, they lose their only child (or youngest child) status to a new baby brother or sister- another little person who takes Mommy and Daddy away from them.
Toddlers are self centered. They think that the world revolves around them. Take my son, for instance. He'll be playing happily in his room, and I'll go check email, switch laundry around, start dinner, whatever- and in five minutes, he's where ever I am at, pulling at my pant leg to get me to go play with him. This is even harder if there are other children in the home who need just as much love and attention from Mommy or Daddy.
All these things working against one very little person, who doesn't have many of the verbal skills required to justify an angry rant, often results in frustration. This frustration builds up and up and up- until the toddler blows up. Some toddlers handle frustration easily- they may not explode as often as others. Some can't handle it at all, and blow up often. Others seem to handle frustration well until bedtime. Eventually, you'll figure your child out, and know when they need help the most.
As a toddler's frustrations build, so can the parents' frustration. Your child may not speak clearly enough for you to understand them all the time. You may find yourself as I often do- running through all the possible yes and no questions that I can think of in order to figure out what my son wants (Do you want a drink? Are you hungry? Are you tired? Do you want Mommy to play with you?). And then- since you haven't figured out just what the child wants- you find yourself staring a tantrum right in it's glowing red eyes. Once the storm has passed, you notice your toddler is being as sweet as can be, at least until the next storm hits.
It's no wonder that lots of parents find themselves wanting to throw themselves on the floor and have a tantrum too.
Yeah, But What Can I Do To Stop Them?
If you read the books- there are tons of answers to this question. The problem is finding the solution that fits your family, your lifestyle, and most importantly- your child.
Avoiding The Tantrum
According to http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums_p3.html, "the best way to deal with temper tantrums is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible." Things to look for include your behavior and your child's behavior. Make sure that your child is getting enough attention, because even negative attention is better than no attention at all. Ways to check this out would be to keep a log of temper tantrums for a week, or even a few days. When does your child throw the tantrum? Where are you, and what are you doing when the tantrum starts? Let's say that you are sitting on the computer, either working or checking email, when the tantrum starts. Let's say that this occurs often within the next few days. A one time occurance doesn't mean much- but two or three days in a row means something. Maybe you need to rethink your computer time. Once you have an idea of when these tantrums occur, try to eliminate some of the lesser things, like email time while the child is awake. Keep track of the number of tantrums, and what times they occur, and then compare to the previous week's tantrums. Notice a positive change? Or do the tantrums still occur during the time you eliminated?
When wouldn't this work? You can't do much about this if you are involved in an activity that needs your full attention. If your child throws a tantrum while you are cooking- you can't very well just stop what you are doing and play with him or her. You could maybe buy some plastic pots and pans (or even give your child a real one to play with) and a play stove, and have them cook with you. If you work from home, you can't very well just stop a conference call because your child is throwing a tantrum.
What if this doesn't work? Have no fear- there are other options out there. Don't give up, you're only beginning on your quest to understand tantrums.
Other Ways To Avoid Tantrums: Give your child a small amount of control in their lives. This doesn't mean that you ask them when they want to go to bed- but whether or not they want to wear the pink jammies with the blue teddy bears, or the purple night gown with the flowers. Basically- don't give them a chance to say 'NO!' Believe me- even at seventeen months, they use this word whenever possible.
Another power struggle between parents and toddlers are those 'off limits' items, such as collectibles and the VCR. Most of my baby and toddler books recommended moving the things that meant the most to me out of the way for a few years, but leaving certain items with less value out- and within reach. This is supposed to teach the value of the word 'NO!' Unfortunately, my son has already learned that lesson. I made this mistake, as did my mother, and we have wound up being would be heroes to pieces of porcelain that were about to be thrown against a wall. And a toddler has no concept of 'monetary' or 'sentimental' value.
The word 'NO!' is an enticement to toddlers. They can't resist anything attached to that word (this is why my son wears a life jacket whenever we are outside at my grandfather's farm- we've used 'NO!' and the lake in the same sentence one too many times, and that's the first thing he heads for as soon as we get there). Before a tantrum begins, think about what the child wants. Is it unreasonable? Such as playing with a remote control to an item that isn't plugged in, or a telephone that has been unplugged from the wall (cordless works best for this- if you choose to use a corded phone, please remove all cords from the phone).
What To Do During A Tantrum
Okay, so you've tried tantrum prevention. But inevitably, you will come face to red, screaming face with one. What do you do? Call 911? Lock yourself in the bathroom? Fall on the floor and scream along with your child? Nope, nada, no way.
There are two types of tantrums, in my book, and different things work for each one.
The Private Tantrum
This tantrum takes place in the privacy of your own home, your backyard, or even the child's grandparents' home (In case the grandparents' are the 'don't make the baby cry type,' this falls under the second category of tantrums: Public Tantrums). Basically, the same rules apply for both Private and Public tantrums, it's just the way that you execute your game plan.
Game Plan One: Ignore the tantrum. That's right. Let your child scream their little heart out. As horrible as it sounds- it works pretty quick on my toddler. If he throws his tantrum, and I get up and go sit somewhere else (still in the same room), or keep on doing what I was doing before (still in the same room), he usually stops screaming, and stares at me until I look back at him. Sometimes, he'll start screaming again- but pretty soon he gets the idea that this screaming and kicking thing doesn't work on Mommy.
Game Plan Two: If your child has trouble calming down once a tantrum starts, do not ignore them! Remove all dangerous objects (hint: anything hard and easy to throw or knock off a table is dangerous) from your child's reach, and talk to them in a calm, soothing voice. My son usually has troubles calming himself down after a long hard day of throwing tantrums, so by the third one of the day, he can't stop screaming and crying. To me, this is a signal for comfort. Do your mommy thing, and pat their pat, talk to them in a calm soothing voice, explaining why they can't do or have what they want. Also try distraction. Give them their comfort object (if they have one), put on their favorite tape of kid's songs or favorite video, or even take them to their room (but don't leave them alone).
Important Notes: You might have noticed that I keep mentioning to not leave your child alone. A child who is throwing a tantrum is dangerous to himself, other people, pets, and objects. Some children throw items, others hit, punch, or bite. The thrashing that is often included in the tantrum could cause your child to knock something heavy off of a table- right on top of them. You need to do your mommy or daddy thing here, and make sure that they are safe. You also don't want to leave them alone during a tantrum- even in a padded room (kidding), because this can bring on a sense of abandonment. What's the worst thing that could happen to a child, from their point of view? Losing Mommy and Daddy. This is a very real fear in their eyes. If you stay nearby, your child can still see you, see that you're not going to leave, and may have an easier time calming down. Also- if you are nearby, this welcomes the best thing about toddlerhood in general: hugs, kisses, and cuddletime!
The Public Tantrum
Much like the Private Tantrum, Public Tantrums are inevitable. These can take place anywhere you take your toddler: the store, the park, the grandparents' house (Note: This is included here because some grandparents tend to spoil a child, and may give the child what they want after Mom and Dad say 'NO!' It's annoying, and it is also the start of numerous Public Tantrums at Grandma's house).
Game Plan One: Ignoring a public tantrum is not easy, but it is possible. The trick is to not ignore it at first. This means that you do whatever you need in order to get the child away from prying eyes. I know a mother who takes her toddler to the restroom to let them scream. Another takes the child outside the store, possibly as far as the car. Some 'experts' recommend leaving the store without what you came for- this isn't possible for those of us who are expected to do the shopping as the only adult among a gaggle of kids (even one toddler can seem like a gaggle of kids). Most store employees are happy to help if you ask them to watch your cart while you take your toddler to the bathroom, or outside. At places such as Wal-mart, restrooms are located either by the Layaway Department, or by the Customer Service desk- in each case, you can ask the employee there to watch your cart. If you are taking your child outside, leave the cart with a greeter at the door. Employees will see that you are having a hard time, and should be more than helpful when it comes to this.
If at the park, move your child to either the car, or an open area- then ignore them and anyone who happens to be staring at you. Sit next to your child and calmly wait the tantrum out. Again, do not leave the child unattended- especially in public!
Things are a little different at Grandma's house. You can move the child to another room, and stay with them there, but you can count on Grandma being in the room to try and 'help' you through this. Just ignore her help, tell her that you have it under control (a polite way of saying- Bug Off), and that you can handle it on your own (after all, you are a mommy yourself now!).
Game Plan Two: If your child is having trouble calming down from the tantrum- don't ignore them. This is the only time that I advocate leaving the store, or Grandma's. If removing your child to the bathroom, or to the car doesn't work, leave- without your purchases. If you are in the bathroom, and decide to leave, inform the store employees that they can return your perishable items back to the shelves, or ask that they hold the non food items until the next day, or even a few hours later, when you can come back to get them- without the child. Explain to Grandma that today just really isn't a good day for junior, and tell her that you'll call later when your child is sleeping, or visit again in a few days.
Important Notes: Public tantrums are the worst kind. You feel as though everyone in the store or park is staring at you, thinking that you are the worst Mommy of all, and wondering why you won't let your child have whatever it is that they want. Just remember- you are the Mommy. Not them. You raise your children the way that you want- and ignore what the others are telling you with their eyes.
Avoiding The Public Tantrum: The best way to avoid a Public Tantrum is to pick your battles. If you have no problem letting your child have candy bar- then buy the candy bar. If you don't mind, and can afford, spending the extra five dollars on the toy that they just saw- go for it. If you can't afford the five dollars (and Lord knows, some people can't), maybe there is something that you can afford. Young children love bubbles- even the grocery stores carry them, and one bottle costs around a dollar or two. Hot wheels cars cost about ninety two cents at Wal-mart, and little boys love them. Maybe something as simple as a punch balloon will appease your child. Again, offer choices- but be prepared if they don't work, or backfire on you. If you don't want your child to have a candy bar, don't offer it to them!
Punishment As Tantrum Cures
Call me crazy, but I do not believe that spanking a child for having a temper tantrum is a sane solution. Why make the child scream louder? In a way, it's could almost be seen as cruel and unusal punishment. Your child wants something- you say no- they disagree- you spank. By throwing a temper tantrum, your toddler isn't doing anything wrong. They are going through a very normal process known as growing up. Why shouldn't they be able to voice their own opinions?
In my eyes, punishment, no matter which one you choose (time outs, spanking, taking privileges away) can only backfire, when used to 'cure' temper tantrums. They could, instead, make the tantrum worse. And to add insult to injury, young toddler don't understand why Mommy won't let them play with their trucks. Take their trucks away- they ask for their trucks- you say 'NO!'- they have another tantrum, and the cycle starts all over again. Doesn't sound like a good cure to me.
Tantrums As Medical Clues
While rare, a tantrum can be a sign of something wrong with your child. If you notice that the tantrums are increasing in frequency, duration and intensity- consistently- talk to your child's doctor. Temper tantrums can signal, although very rare, physical problems, such as hearing or vision problems, chronic illness, or even a learning disability. Your doctor will probably tell you that there's nothing wrong with your child, and that what they are going through is normal.*
What If This Doesn't Work For My Child?
I'm going to be straight forward here, and tell you my experiences with these so called tantrum cures. I've only found one that works- and works well. The others don't do anything to help my child, but I'm listing them so that you can decide on your own. Each child is different, so what works with one may not work with another.
Distract
Except when used for a toddler who can't calm down, this worked a grand total of one time with my child. I try to distract my son with a toy, a song, a video- and in a few seconds he's back to doing what he was doing before the tantrum- and we're on our way to tantrum number two. Why doesn't this work? Because toddlers have memories folks. That's right- they aren't likely to forget where they were five minutes before. They know what they were doing, and what they wanted to do, and have selective memories on what they were told ('NO!'). Distracting my son was easy at first- until I discovered that I was spending my day saying things like 'No, try this.' 'No, let's read this book,' or (my personal favorite), 'No, let's go outside and play.' With each NO!, my son would back doing what he wanted with a vengence. Even after taking him outside to play for a few hours, as soon as we were inside again- he'd be back pulling my outlet plugs from the wall, or begging for the desert for supper.
Remove
This only worked for us in public. I have never once had this work while at home. I've tried taking my son to his room- he throws another fit (his room isn't as 'fun' as the living room), I've tried our room, the bathroom, the kitchen, you name it, I've tried it. Instead of calming down, we just keep going- this time in a different room.
Hold
And my question is, what if your child hits, bites, or kicks you? Guess what- you try holding that squirming body, and you are in for a world of hurt. It's also hard to hold a child who is thrashing around like that. This is also the perfect Mommy guilt moment for your child. Why? Because they have every oppurtunity to push you away. They are mad at you, and they don't want your hugs and kisses now. They want you to leave them alone.
Calm, Cool, and Collected
After a tantrum, it's best to provide for some much needed cuddle time. While being held safely in your arms, you can explain to your child (as best as they can understand) that what they wanted to do was dangerous, or unhealthy, or whatever your reasoning is. Your child, because they are being held close, sees that you love them still, and that even though they lost control, you're not holding that against them.
A side note: Be careful what you say in front of your child, especially when talking about tantrums. Believe it or not, even a child as young as a year understands some of what we say- and they understand tone of voice too. Imagine coming home to find your husband on the phone talking about you. Now put yourself in your child's shoes. It's not a very nice thing to do. Let them hear the positive in your voice ('Even though Susie had a break down today, she was so good about picking up her toys this afternoon...) and words, and don't blame them for the tantrum. It's not always their fault. After all, toddlerhood may actually be the biggest time of upheaval in a person's life.
Final Thoughts
My first reaction to a tantrum is to laugh. Don't. This only encourages the behavior. Don't go with what I say works- just try different approaches, and find what works best with your child. Be prepared to switch gears for siblings- each toddler is different and will react differently to different approaches.
*If they tell you this, but you still feel that something is wrong- get a second opinion.
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fallyn96
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Member: Tracey
Location: Illinois
Reviews written: 263
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About Me:
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
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