Top 10 Movies Ever if You Really Like Crappy Movies

Aug 21, 2001

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The Bottom Line Hey, my review is really in-depth and I took a lot of time to write it. I even spelled checked it!! Damn, I'm good...

...Top 10 Movies Ever if You Really Like Crappy Movies...

Hey, it's the Top 10 crappiest movies ever. You knew this was coming from me. If you've read my Taco Bell or McDonald's review then you know I love to make fun of bad products. Now having said that, this is the hardest review I've had to write so far. Why? Well, if it isn't obvious, there are so many crappy movies out there. I mean, it's mind boggling, really. For every blockbuster hit there are 6 or 7 horribly bland movies. Movies I donít want to touch with a 10 foot, no 20, no 30, no 40 foot pole. Well read on, youíve paid the admission price. I am one shiny penny richer. My God, the power, itís flowing through me. Soon Iíll have upwards of $4 or $5 in my epinions account!

NOTE: The movies are not in any order of crappyness, sorry. Feel free to comment on my movies and blab on and on about what movie is crappier. I will read all comments, no really...

Biodome Ė Hey itís a Pauly Shore movie, so what do you expect. When I watched this movie it was slightly amusing but in retrospect it really sucks. Itís a movie about a group of people who are included in a project to be trapped in a dome for 1 year. Nothing gets in or out of the dome, so they have to grow their own food and create their own ecosystem. This by itself is not such a bad plot, but then comes Pauly Shore. He makes no sense, I just donít understand. Instead of doing a good job at acting, like most actors do, he makes weird sound effects and rants on about absolute nothingness. Since he is the main character, and since all the other characters regularly interact and revolve around him, it ruins the movie very quickly. He has the most annoying voice EVER. Ok, so Jury Duty wasnít that bad, but Biodome definitely is.

Shadow of a Vampire Ė I really had high expectations for this movie. Halfway through the movie I was realizing that this was just a mediocre film, and by the end of the movie I just hated it above other crappy movies. The movie is about a production company filming the movie Nosferatu, and they recruit an actor to act as a vampire. He turns out to actually be a vampire. Sorry, I tried to like this movie, but it just sucks (little vampire pun). Hey, people who say puns deserved to be punished (Ok, Iíll stop). The movie was rated R but it had no violence whatsoever. Iím serious, the worst it got was the vampire kind of pushing an actor and twisting his neck (looked very fake). This movie was so weird. You should watch it just to see what Iím talking about. After watching the movie you just say to yourself ďOk, what was that? Why did I choose to spend the last hour and a half watching this movie.Ē

Dude, Whereís My Car? Ė Hey, this movie sucked. A movie about a lost car, ok enough said. You know what, Iíll just stop there.

Freddy Got Fingered Ė Yuck, blegh, arrgghh... I have a milk dud stuck in my mouth. Now, about the movie... Yuck, blegh, arrgghh, it sucks. It literally hurt me watching this movie. I felt genuine pain staring at Tom Green on the silver screen. This ďmovieĒ is just an extra long ďThe Tom Green Show.Ē If you donít know, his show just features stunts and sick skits. Itís fairly entertaining, but the movie is just horrible. Instead of using lethal injections to kill inmates, we should just show them this movie while they are strapped down to a chair. Ok, if you still donít get the message, you see Tom Green masturbating a cow and making it ejaculate in the movie. Why, why was I programmed to feel pain, nyaahhhhh!! This movie is just pure evil. Tom Green needs to be exterminated and his wife, the lovely Drew Berrymore, auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Youíve got mail Ė This movie stars Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, and is about them meeting online and e-mailing each other. After that, Tom Hanks opens a large book chain across the street from Meg Ryanís small book shop. They get into fights because she thinks he is trying to put her out of business, even though she never realizes he is the person she met online. This movie is such a chick flick that I had to put it on my list. Ok, itís kinda fun to watch the first time, but after that (if youíre a guy) you feel really bad you did watch it. Itís really a pointless movie and not worth watching.

Kazaam Ė Shaq, the famous basketball player, stars as a magical genie who is brought out of captivity after 5000 years to serve a little boy. Now, before I continue, letís get a few things straight: Shaq cannot A) act in a movie and B) rap. However he tries doing both in this movie, which is not usually a good combination (trying to do two things you horribly sucks at, at once). A little side-note: If youíve ever seen Roger Ebert on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno or The Late Show with Conan OíBrian or read his review of Kazaam, then you know he thought the movie was unrealistic. He always blabs on and on, like a broken record, about how the 5000 year old genie gives the kid M&Mís and other candy (the point being, how would the genie know about this candy, wouldnít he try to give the kid figs, since heís 5000 years old?) I always laugh when Ebert brings this up, as if thatís the only fake thing about the movie. I can just here the producers saying if they took Ebertís advice ďWell, everything looks realistic in this movie about a flying, black, rapping genie... Wait a minute, is that M&Mís? Oh no no no, weíre gonna have to replace that.Ē

Final Destination Ė Well, this movie wasnít that bad, you might be saying. Why am I calling it one of the ten worst ever? Well, very simply, the ending sucked. It completely ruined the whole film. The movie is about a group of kids who escaped death on a crashing airplane, and are then destined to die one by one in order of who would have died first to last if they had died on the plane. One after another dies in horrible freak accidents while the main characters, who coincidentally are the last to die, try to figure out how to stop fate from killing them. I loved the innovative storyline and everything was very creepy and entertaining to watch, except the movie abruptly ends when there is 3 kids in the group (that is destined to die) still alive. I expected to see them either stop fate or get out of getting killed, or have them all die. But the movie just ends leaving you to wonder what happened to them. Did they all die later like they were supposed to or did they finally escape their fate? I had to put this on the top 10, because it would have been a very good movie had it only finished the story, but instead the writers just stopped writing and took a long vacation.

The Emperorís New Groove Ė Talk about Disney just needing something, anything, to sell to young impressionable kids. The movie, which I was forced to watch as part of an art & animation class, is bland and pointless. It is absolutely pointless, trust me. Itís just another Disney animated movie that adds nothing new to anything, Iím serious. What is it?? I donít know, oh my God, I donít even know!! Unlike the Lion King that progressed animation quality and contained morals and entertainment, or Aladdin which had cool action sequences and mystery and intrigue, or most other Disney animated movies which have some rhyme or reason, this movie is just there. It just sits there filling space on Disneyís timeline of movies created. It just fills a gap in the timeline. The sad part is it introduces nothing new to animated movies (such as funnier jokes, lessons or morals, better animation, better soundtrack, more realistic characters, etc.), it just is bland and boring. This is a true story, the only reason that Disney made the movie is because it didnít have any movie to release during the holiday season. I swear, thatís true, they didnít have any other movies or stories planned and were pressured to create something, anything. But you probably could have guessed this just by knowing the movie is called ďThe Emperorís New GrooveĒ...

Small Soldiers Ė This movie is about special action figures that are programmed to come to life with stunning artificial intelligence. The reason I didnít like this movie is because they took a great innovative concept and did nothing with it. Maybe my expectations were high, but I was expecting more from the movie. There is just so much you can do with a movie about alive toys, but this movie does so little. In direct contrast there is Toy Story, it is sharp, witty, and full exploits the potential of living, breathing toys. Small Soldiers, however, just didnít cut it....

Being John Malkovich Ė Ok ok, so I did like Small Soldiers. It wasnít bad at all, in fact, I recommend that you all see it. Being John Malkovich, on the other hand... hmm, er, well... ok, this movie wasnít that bad either... Ok, this is awkward. It seems I could only find 8 movies I really hated. Blame it on my kind heart, but I just hate criticizing bad products (despite what I clearly stated earlier). But donít tell me you donít see the irony in this... what, you donít? You clicked on this article expecting to read about 10 bad movies but only got 8 movies, how disappointing. You were totally let down, you feel like you didnít get what you paid for. This article started strong but the ending was weak. Get it, just like these bad movies I was discussing! Hmmm... yes, yes thatíll work...perfect, itís all falling to place. Yes, I only found 8 movies... on purpose. To, uhh, give you a taste of these horrible movies by disappointing you... yesssss, thatíll work...

As always, comments are encouraged. No, even more than that, they are expected damn it! You better send me your comment, and donít be nice about telling me this article sucked. Unless, of course, you really liked it, in which case... nah, that would never happen.

P.S. can you count how many ellipsis (...) I have in this article? I bet you canít count them all...


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