The author owes a debt of gratitude to Cornelia's essay "Campbell's Cream of Mushroom: Bane of my WASP Existence" which served in part as the inspiration for her own review, and would, if she could, present Cornelia a Soup Pulitzer for her use of the phrase "stucco-colored porridges," among others. But the author didn't need to look far for her grocery inspiration, as her own condensed soup analysis qualifications are unmatched. She was fed Cream of Mushroom soup in such enormous quantities in her formative years that fully 37% of her genome is Cream of Mushroom soup genome, and if she ever needed a bone marrow transplant or quick plasma infusion she could just be hooked up to a mushroom soup IV. How else can you explain her creamy epidermis, quivering uvula, and faint yet intoxicating fungal odor?


I learned a lot of shocking new information while doing research for this review. First, Campbell's Soup owns the luxury chocolate brand Godiva! Second, "pumpernickel" means "goblin that breaks wind" in Old German, making me wish I had chosen pumpernickel as my grocery item. Third, Farrah Fawcett shat on someone's lawn in front of onlookers during a Hollywood party when she found all the bathrooms occupied. Fourth, an average male fart equals almost half a cup of gas, while an average female fart is a third of a cup. Fifth, exercising reduces farting by helping the colon absorb gases, thereby dissipating them by the time they reach Uranus. Sixth, the Campbell's Soup website sells a $27 chrome plated business card case, a $120 white ceiling fan, a $175 Tiffany style hanging glass lamp, all smeared with soup can logos, and a $1,750 limited edition tomato soup can replica evening bag bedecked with Austrian crystals! Seventh, James Carville refused to change his underwear in the final week of a campaign in order not to hurt his candidate's momentum. As Mary Matalin rightly described her future husband, "He looks to have been sired from a love scene in Deliverance." But I digress.

The grocery item I have chosen is that sine qua non of every middle class pantry, Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup or, as we didn't call it in my family, Suppe Porcini Cremora di Campbell. I use the term "middle" advisedly here, knowing that some of you may consider yourselves of the middling class, yet eschew what you may consider to be a "lowbrow" line of condensed soups. I ask you to consider the provenance of Campbell's condensed soups, which reached their zenith in the heyday of a whole passel of things that one associates with middle class America: Mamie Eisenhower's bangs, Levittown, the Cold War, the Barcalounger, the TV tray, the two car garage, Doris Day's milky thighs, the yo-yo. Andy Warhol transformed the tomato soup can into an icon in order to capture something quintessentially American and middle class. If he had been looking for something lowbrow, don't you think he would have chosen LBJ's jock strap ?

We all know people who would sooner open a can of snot than a can of condensed soup. The only thing I would say to those people is that Campbell's has tested condensed soups in their test kitchens for decades and has found them to be superior to snot in recipe usage in the areas of taste, color, texture, and viscosity. Please, I beg of you, put down your can of snot and read on.


Some Treasured Family Recipes

Poulet avec la crème de la sauce au jus de champignon (Baked Chicken with Mushroom Gravy)

Place one chicken in a Pyrex baking dish. Open can of Cream of Mushroom Soup, use a wrench or the handle of a heavy screwdriver to tap the soup out so that it surrounds the chicken. Spread evenly with a small garden trowel or bonsai rake. Cover with aluminum foil, bake in oven at whatever temperature chicken is supposed to be baked for one hour (if using EasyBake Oven, eleven hours).

Cocotte en terre de Champignon de Thon (Tuna Mushroom Casserole)

In casserole dish, alternate layers of flaked tuna, French cut green beans, and Cream of Mushroom Soup. Top with crumbled Ripples potato chips. Sprinkle on a little dioxin that you are missing from not using fresh tuna. Bake as above. Serve in the nude.

Shottes de Champignon (Mushroom Shots)

Make soup according to can directions, substituting grain alcohol for the water or milk. Cool. Fill shot glasses.

My Great-Grandma, thinking the shots were some kind of cloudy tincture of iodine, downed seven of these hearty elixirs one afternoon and before we knew what was happening she was in a liplock with the census taker. Pulling her off him was like solving one of those Mensa interlocking pieces brain teasers and may explain why the government now thinks we are Aleutian Islanders with no indoor plumbing.

In my family we also made Cream of Mushroom Flan. We often cleansed our palates with Cream of Mushroom Sorbet. I have used it as a vegetable dip, right out of the can! It can be incorporated into milkshakes and salad dressings, or stirred into Campbell's Tomato Soup for a subtle yet uncompromising barbeque sauce. Added to any hot coffee beverage as a "depth charge," it acts as a kind of non-dairy creamer, except with malty, woody, toasty undertones. Truly, you can fashion an entire dinner menu using this wondrous Ur-victual as your inspiration !

Sometimes, for laughs, we would rub soup onto the cat and watch her lick it off for hours! Then we would shut her in the closet for awhile because when she finally came out she was so happy to see us she would purr and purr. It was like a feline Stockholm Syndrome, a little furry hostage falling in love with her captors. We would celebrate her safe release with a magnum of the cheapest champagne and a Flourless Cream of Mushroom Torte.


Non-Edible Uses

Many of you may already be aware of Cream of Mushroom Soup's usefulness in the linen closet, bathroom, and medicine cabinet too. It works ridiculously well as a furniture polish, is breathtakingly soothing as a hemorrhoid cream, takes the ouch out of sunburn, and can be substituted in the shower for your expensive conditioner. If you find yourself "bedridden" and out of KY Jelly at an inopportune moment, yet have an open can on the bedside table, Cream of Mushroom Soup also makes a more than adequate lubricant. And I have it on good authority (Sloucho's granny) that many frugal Americans used it as a spermicide and douche during the Depression (although Sloucho seems to be evidence that Sloucho's parents were born, suggesting it wasn't 100% effective) when supplies of Summer's Eve Mushroom Scent were scanty.

I am trying to adapt it as an air freshener, although this is still in the experimental stages. It involves filling an old aerosol can with the soup and spraying throughout the room. So far all I have to show for it is a $200 dry cleaning bill for my sofa, but I am nothing if not determined. I think if I just add some alcohol and dispersants I'll be able to file for a patent shortly. That fresh fungal scent will make guests think I've been sauteeing all afternoon.

I have already filed a patent application for Cream of Mushroom soup-filled breast implants, but I can't really discuss them due to pending litigation with the Campbell company. Let's just say they want a large piece of my breasts, like everyone else.

Something I like to do for a very special pick-me-up is fill my jacuzzi with the stuff, light about 40,000 shiitake scented candles, fire up the jets, and dive right in. Condensed soup already has some momentum of its own, if you will, and a gentle breeze will set it a-quiver like a fat man's belly. So you can imagine the souped-up action you'll get when the jacuzzi really gets going. To paraphrase, "when the mushroom soup jacuzzi's rockin', don't come a-knockin.' "


Postscript

Finally, how can you not throw your support behind a foodstuff that yields the following anagrams:

A foul crap rumbles; mopes smooch.
Slobs creep up from momma, Sloucho!
Sloucho, female bosoms cramp rump.
Pompous flame charms cruel bosom.
Macabre homo lumps foul compress.
Sloucho, mumbo cramps; lepers foam.
Foul mamma clubs proper smooches.
Hmm….fabulous commerce proposals.
Fool rump smooches macabre lumps.
Fool blames pompous scum charmer.
Arch-foe calms bosom lump supremo.
Blasphemous commas of cruel romp.
Scum romp famous, cool blasphemer.
Culpable chromosomes; foam rumps.
Scum propose arch-foe, small mumbo.
Crap, Sloucho! Flames embosom rump!
Culpable oomph farms Romeo's scum.
Foul proposals scum macho member.
Blameful commas shoo proper scum.
Blameful scam smooches poor rump.
Sloucho: Plump before cross mamma.
Cumbersome flash or pompous calm?
Fool hammer accurses plump bosom.
Chromosomes cramp, soup blameful.
Fearsome romps bump scum alcohol.
Crap! Fearsome mumbo lumps school.
Much scum of memorable proposals.
Arch-foe sperm as cool mumbo lumps.
Arch-foe lumps embosom polar scum.
Hocus-pocus! Memorable palm forms.
Crap! Floor scum, blasphemous memo.
Fool as cumbersome or plump chasm.
Cumbersome lumps of amoral chops.
Coarse charms embosom plump foul.
Cool surfaces embosom plump harm.
Plump scum or macho, fearsome slob!
Collapse of mumbo charms supremo.
Harmful slob as pompous commerce.
Foul morals compress cheap mumbo.
Cumbersome, sharp, cool foam lumps.
Arch-foe mumbo samples cool rumps.
Hmm…compress fabulous, cool rape.
So, charmless mumbo from populace.



Lobstergirl does not endorse the inhaling, freebasing or mainlining of condensed soups.

Other deranged shoppers in line with Lobstergirl at Piggledy Wiggledy were AggieBrett, Elvisdo, Hard_to_Please, JKKelley, Jsaunt, Kellydeal, Nathsmom, PrfStars, Repulsemonkey, Sloucho, Sordid-1, Sundogg99, Tlimjoco, and 29th Candidate. Or, for EasyLinks™ to each review, go to

http://www.melissium.com/writeoff.html



Recommended: Yes